September 20, 2009
I like to keep things to remember special times like birthdays and holidays. I do this for myself, but mostly for my kids. My mom did the same for me. She kept cards I made for her, drawings from school, pictures from special times,etc. I love getting them out and being brought back to that time as a child and seeing what i was like. I keep a lot of things for my kids more than my mom did because what it has meant to me being able to have my childhood memorabilia. Many times in the last year without Faith at the end of a special occasion I will for a moment think i need to keep this because Faith will enjoy having it when she is older or has kids of her own. No matter how many times i remind myself that she is gone, I always find myslef doing stuff like that. After her birthday, I put away an envelope that a butterfly was in that even says In memory of Georgianna Faith- I still thought Faith will like to have this. I took pictures of her cake because I want my kids to be able to see what birthdays are like at different ages and what I did for them. I'm left with the question- who am I saving this stuff for? i know the immediate answer is me. For me to look back at each miserable year without her. i want to be positive by saying to remember each celebration in her memory, but right now I'm just sad about it not being for her to remember her life- for her kids to see what she was like. For one that might be artistic like her. Would she have been artistic? Krista loves seeing that I was good at drawing because she likes art so much. Nash loves seeing all my A's in math because he is also good in math. They like seeing and i like seeing how we are the same. Who was Faith going to be like which of her kids would have been like her? I know that when I get to be with her I will get to have the life I missed with her, but what about the life she missed. I know she will never want or hurt, but maybe I want her to want. No mother wants their child to hurt. I have hurt and it has made me who I am. I want her to be able to get to that place in life where you look back and see your accomplishments and are proud of how you got to where you are.It has gradually been getting to me more and more the last few weeks since her birthday. It just hurts but I guess I'm thankful she doesn't understand the hurt I'm feeling. She doesn't know what she is missing.I'm proud of myself that I made that day a day of celebration. Her life needs to be celebrated not just mourned. The mourning is for me for my heartache. She is happy and I was not going to be a party pooper on my daughters 1st birthday. I can only imagine the fun she was having with all her friends in heaven. I hate when the grief rolls in. After a year it is very sneaky and malicious. It never gives you warning other than a constant feeling of frustation leading to its takeover. It likes to come and go now. It presents itself in the little things. Like Kevin calling the kids to our room to talk about what family movie to watch. He calls-Nash, Krista,Grace as I'm holding Hope. As he is calling I lightly say "and Faith" wishing it could be true. An outsider looking in would think look at that beautiful family. She is so blessed, and i am. So many little blessings I have, but I am not complete.I will never be complete without the one missing. My heart aches for you my baby girl. I fight everyday to live for your pride in me and my pride in you. I want to be completely happy just because i have four beautiful living children, but there is forever a big but -someone can never be completely happy with one missing.
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