Heartbeat 118

Monday, December 1, 2008
I had my checkup today. Baby measured 6 wks 3 days. I go back Dec. 29th. My dr and his staff is being so supportive. Sitting in the waiting room was torture. There was a woman there for her six week checkup with of course her baby girl. This pregnancy is so bittersweet. Everytime I feel happy it's followed by overwhelming sadness that Faith will never be here. Then I feel guilty for this baby like it's being robbed of me enjoying it. Maybe as the days go by I will have longer moments of joy, especially when this one starts moving. I'm scared to even say that- what if this one doesn't make it past the first trimester. No matter how much faith and hope i have, it's so hard to be positive. All positive thoughts are followed by negative. Before this happened I had so much faith- untested faith. Now that Faith is gone, my faith can never be taken, but I find myself questioning everything. I know that God and my angel brought me to this point and will see me through. I'm just afraid to feel that with confidence. It's hard to have confidence when you can no longer walk through life naive. Reality is spoon fed to me everyday from the time I wake up. I know from experience that life is not always the way it should be. We have the curse and blessing of the truth. we appreciate more, but wish with all our hearts that we didn't learn to appreciate this way. I love you Faith and I love you little grain of rice with a heartbeat. You two are my hope.