August 1, 2009
Faith, my sweet protector, where has the time gone? I don't want to remember that last day, today. I want to remember everything good. I want to only remember the things about us when I was "normal" and expecting my fourth baby. That is impossible. All the happiness of my time with you makes me cry because there will never be more. I loved when people asked me if this was my first. I loved their reaction when I said fourth. Now I dread responding to that. It never gets easier. I remember finally deciding on your beautiful name. You were being named after your grandma and great grandma. Mema was so proud, but said that her name(Georgia) wasn't pretty enough for you. Georgianna Faith- I loved it. It represented my love for two strong and beautiful women in my life. You were to carry that on. Who knew just how much strength you would be to me- to our whole family. You have become our safety, our gaurdian angel. I just wanted a daughter. One day I wanted to yell the name Faith across a crowded park and see a little girl look my way. I wanted to hang your name on your bedroom wall. I wanted to be able to call the names Krista, Grace, and Faith and see my three beauties running towards me. When I introduce you as my daughter, I wish there was a child standing by my side smiling back at people instead of a picture of my angel baby in my hand. I always told daddy that I couldn't imagine yelling the name Faith in anger. I will never say your name in anger. Now I wish I could have the chance to get angry at something you've done. Faith I want you to know that my sadness is not because of you, but what I'm missing out on with you. I'm proud to call you my daughter. I'm so thankful to have been given the privilege to carry you in my womb- to call you my daughter. I'll never understand why you are not here.I will always smile and cry when I think of you. I'm sorry that I can't stop being sad because i know that you want me to be happy. I promise that I will strive to be as happy as I can. I'm fighting real hard for that right now. Next month with be so hard sweet girl. Your 1st birthday should be only happy. I want to try to make it a happy day for your brother and sisters. I want them to learn to celebrate you instead of just grieving you. I don't know how I can teach something I can't do. Grace still has such a hard time.When she gets hurt, she lets her pain out. She fell down two days ago and came to me crying. Baby Hope was in her swing. Grace looked over at her and said, "Mommy can we please call baby Hope baby Faith?" I said that wouldn't be fair for Faith or Hope. I said Baby Hope is our gift from our angel Faith. I said that you are always with us and you are always her sister too. She said I know I just want her to be real. Faith, I know that your presence is so real. BUT your four year old sister summed it up for all of us. We want to feel your breath, hear your heartbeat, and feel your arms around us. What I wouldn't do to have a kiss. My heart and love are with you and yours with me for eternity. Keep close to me, I need your strength. Love always, Mommy
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