Stuck

August 12, 2009
I have been in a fog. I have always had "baby blues" to some degree. I thought that I might be immune to them after going through something as hard as losing Faith. I guess I was wrong.I've been trying to sort through all the emotions and thoughts to best explain what I'm feeling after having Hope. Like I've said before, there are moments of elation and moments of sadness. I love Hope so much, but fear that she will be taken at any moment. That is one feeling that I didn't ever think of when I imagined how it would be. I knew that I would have the grief along with joy. I only thought that the sad feelings would be about Faith and that only feelings of joy would go along with my experience with Hope. I was wrong. I thought that after I had her I would be over the fear of losing her. When that dr said she wanted her tested for downs fear crept in and has not left. Then she wasn't gaining weight so i feared she had some horrible disease. Her dr assured me that she is ok. Will I always be looking for something to be wrong with her? I hope and pray not. I want to enjoy her every breath. I'm hoping that she will start to grow chunkier and I will be convinced that she is ok. The fear is taking away from my precious beginning with her. I hate this. That brings me to the grief, which I'm sure plays a huge roll in my feelings. I've realized that as much as we think we are working through every emotion that it gives us; when we are ttc or pregnant, we can't address our grief fully. At least that is true for me. When ttc I was focused on the goal of being pregnant. When pregnant, I could only think about getting Hope here safely. I thought i was dealing with my grief because i was crying, journaling, talking, etc. I think I must have been dealing with just the surface- with what was spilling over. I hope I'm making sense. I don't want to be discouraging. I just want to put everything out there for my friends so that there aren't any unexpected feelings for them. We all feel different at different times, but for the most part we end up having the same feelings sooner or later. Now that Hope is here hormones, lack of sleep and grief are all stirring in the same pot. I can say that grief with joy added does make it easier because I am holding this precious gift in my arms named Hope. She does give me Hope that I will be ok. Having her also makes it all so real that Faith is never going to be in my arms again. Before Hope, Faith was the present. Now she is part of the past. That makes me so sad. I know I carry her with me, but not having any physical sense of her makes it so real and so far away. I hope that the craziness of these emotions will settle down and the joy will outweigh the sadness. I look at Faith and dream of what should of been. I look at Hope and see a future. Please don't be scared of having another child because of what I wrote. It is all so worth it. I just didn't think that I would be this crazy once Hope came. lol I'm sure that the emotions will have to calm and of course the grief will forever remain, but I have this sweet gift to cherish and love. Thank you Faith. You remain in our hearts, thoughts, and in the gift you sent to us.