4D ultrasound

May 13, 2009
We went for 4D ultrasound today. It was so bittersweet. Getting the 4D with Faith was the only time we saw her alive. I still haven't been able to watch the dvd of her 4D. I brought out the pictures from hers when we got home. Hope and Faith could pass as twins. It is crazy how much they look alike. I noticed this during the ultrasound but blocked it out because i had too much on my mind. The cord was in front of Hope's face the entire time. Kim( US tech) promised me that it was farther away from her face and neck than it appeared. She said that she felt so bad that I couldn't enjoy this pregnancy. i said thank you, but if she makes it here to me i will enjoy every minute of her. Seeing her little face, hands, toes, and booty makes me so excited to meet her and love her here with us. Because i'm so excited I'm becoming even more fearful that I'm somehow going to be the example that this can happen twice in a row. God, i can't lose this baby. I need her. As much as an infant needs us to survive, i probably need her more to survive. i have to live in the right now. And for now she is going strong. I miss you Faith- today brought back so many memories of my carefree life waiting on number four. Instead now i'm missing number four so badly that i can't allow all the feelings to surface. Now i'm waiting on number five with faith, hope, love, and the stupid fear wishing i could have you both. If anyone ever had the right to say life is not fair it is all of us. Even when you are blessed there is still an intense heartache of what should have been. I love you Faith thank you for watching over us all. Thank you God for Hope- please make sure i can have her here to love.