May 2, 2010
I choose your love baby girl. Everyday, I get up because of your love. Sometimes, I cry, I yearn, I fall, but when its all over your love lifts me up. Tomorrow you will be 20 months old. Thinking of all you would be doing and how beautiful you would be, STINGS my soul. I always have to remind myself that it will always sting and I can not change reality. You will not be here and I will always hurt because of that, BUT I will not allow it to stop me from living. What good would it be if I wasted my life, A life you could be living and that I would gladly give up for you. I can not do that, so I will make sure I live my life to the fullest for you. I was looking for quotes and I found this one- "We must embrace pain and burn it as fuel for our journey." At first glance it kind of bothered me. I thought this person couldn't have lost a child to say that. After reading it again, it is so true. The pain of losing you is so intertwined with the love I have for you. The pain is so great because I love you so much. Sometimes I think they are one in the same. Just like Fr Mckenna saying "Grieve, but do not grieve without hope," bothered me at first, I realized that hope and faith in you were going to be the only things that would keep my soul from withering away.
My second Mother's Day without you is approaching quickly as is your second birthday, I feel stronger. I don't like the fact that I am missing one of my babies to celebrate the one thing that means most to me. BUT I have the gift of your love, a love that is so strong and vibrant in my life. I celebrate your love and in your memory, the only gift Mommy wanted this year is a Butterfly Garden. Mommy and Daddy spent three days planting flowers that attract butterflies. I can't wait until all the flowers grow tall and butterflies flutter by to say hello. A few days ago Grace ran inside yelling," Faith is coming, Faith is coming, Mommy!!!" Oh, the smile on her face. We have all become better becasue of you. I have seen the relationship between Nash and Krista; and between Krista and Grace.Yes, they were both excited to become a big brother and big sister, but Grace has an appreciation for you and Hope that is so beautiful. She is so gentle and loving. She never gets irritated. She has so much pride in being your and Hope's big sister. To see a butterfly and be so excited, I can only imagine if she got to see your beautiful face. When I am in heaven with you, and the day comes(I pray a very long time from now) when she is welcomed by us, I will love to see her smile and cry "happy tears" when she sees you. I hate seeing her cry for you. One day she will have everything she dreamed of with you when you were in my belly. We all will. I love you and miss you everyday.
How beautiful is it that all these rainbow babies are arriving safely? Sadly, another mommy lost her second. I will never understand the WHYS of any loss. Please rally with your friends to keep rainbows safe. Lily and Nicholas' mommies are still waiting for rainbows love. Help them send their mommies a rainbow. The hope in a rainbow helps so much. Thank you for my rainbow. She is beautiful, and I see so much of you in her. Thank you!!! Love!!
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