15 months

Mommy is so sorry that I don't write much anymore. I think to and then the words get lost. I try so hard to live in the moment and enjoy your precious gift. It is always an uphill climb, baby.I was listening to our theme song-The Climb. The words-I can almost see it that dream I'm dreaming-but there's a voice inside my head saying you'll never reach it Every step I'm takin every move I make feels lost with no direction My faith is shaking but I gotta keep trying Gotta keep my head held high... While pregnant with Hope I first heard that song, I knew you were saying to me that I had to have faith. I could see the dream of having Hope alive in my arms, but was so scared it wouldn't happen. I cried everytime i heard that song because it said exactly what i was feeling. When I listened to it today, I cried tears of joy because baby you made that dream happen for mommy. No matter how loud that voice was screaming that Hope wouldn't make it- you shut it up and calmed me. She is here and I have no doubt that you carried her here in your angel wings and gently placed her into my arms living and looking into my eyes. Oh but baby girl, the one thing you can not do is bring you to me. I'm sorry that I'm so selfish to still be begging for you. I look at you still and can't believe that you will never be in my arms again. I tried so hard to have a joyful Thanksgiving without you. I tried but holding back the tears brought the anger and frustration. i had to leave and go to take you flowers. You calmed me and daddy, and we apologized to each other. You gave us a new reason to be thankful this year. She doesn't take away the pain, but we all smile and are so thankful to have her.I took pictures of your sweet gift(Hope) and she is so cute and sweet and she makes my days brighter. I want to live the way i envisioned it to be with her here. I think i do mostly. i want to honor you by loving and cherishing her. You try so hard to make me happy. I just can't handle the constant struggle to be happy. It is never complete. I hate it. Every day I look at you -some days I smile and hold back the tears- some days I just cry -some days I cry and smile too-I always look to you and say thanks. i'm trying to settle into what I know will be my forever. Last year after losing you- it was all about getting Hope here safely, so this year feels like my first holiday without you because it is not foggy or confusing- it is a harsh reality. i have a full sense of you not being here. I was writing our Christmas list. As I listed the kids I put you fourth-your special place. You will always be fourth,but to the world Hope looks fourth. Well, I will teach her what to say to the knownothings of this world. As i was making the list I hated to once again list momento items for you. i want so much to be buying you a new toy. Lots of toys. 15 months you would be, but instead it is 15 months without you. Instead of happily saying my baby is -months, i will forever be saying - months without my baby Faith. I will cry tonight as tomorrow approaches(the 1st), the day of the month you passed. Each month as it approaches my heart gets so heavy and i replay what I was doing. The week will be hard, but you as usual will lift me up to live for you and your brother and sisters. I am so thankful that I have Hope. I love and miss you so much. You have given us the best present ever. We have laughter in the house again. Grace takes her big sister role to you and Hope so seriously. She will keep you alive. i catch her whispering to Hope about baby Faith and how you are an angel and how she is our gift from you. I have no doubt that you will never be forgotten. Hold me close tonight baby girl.