16 months

January 3, 2010
16 months since I held you in my arms. I try not to go to that day. If I do, I am there wholeheartedly and physically, and I just can't handle it. Every month Faith I feel the weight of grief rolling in to remind me of my reality. That's not to say that I don't think of you every second of the day because if I find the quiet, you are there. If I look at the beauty of God's creation, you are there. If I fight with your Daddy, you are there. If I laugh with your Daddy, you are there.If I look into the eyes of your gift, you are there. When I watch your siblings playing, I can envision you there. Your spirit is strong, so strong that I feel you with me. So strong that I want to reach up and grab ahold of it-just to feel you.I feel you, but I can't touch you. That is the torture of this reality. A mother's instinct cannot be fulfilled, I want to nurture you. Instead I find that you are my nurturer. You are my strength. You are my light. You are my angel. I don't want an angel, but am so blessed to have one. Some days I feel so much more blessed than my "normal" friends to have the insight- the appreciation that comes with having an angel. I am a chosen mother to have the privilege to have an angel.On the other hand, most of the time I feel cheated and unlucky. Our relationship is so connected-connected in such a way that no one can come between our bond. It is a bond that does not have a physical connection since you grew in my womb, but a spiritual connection. With a spiritual connection, it is not seen, it is by Faith. A physical connection can be taken away at any time, but not one of faith. BUT I still feel cheated. i often feel guilty because I wish we could give up all the blessings and knowledge that have come from you being an angel-all the friendships- the renewed relationships-all the appreciations- all the insight just to be naive and selfish with you in my arms. Watching you grow and learn and love and hurt-watching you LIVE. The guilt comes from knowing what I have now because of you, but still I have the desire to give it all up to have you here. I am torn because of course not included in that is Hope. I of course could not part with your baby sister. That is another blessing from you being an angel, she is a new reason to live and fight for happiness. Life with an angel and a rainbow baby is so complex, but a complexity that I am so grateful for. 16 months ago I was engulfed in grief with no way out. No light. I could only see what was missing around me. Today when I look around there is happiness, even though laced with a sadness that will always be there. I look at your sweet face and I can do what I hoped for-smile while I cry. At times when I cry I do still feel paralyzed by the grief,the whys, the should haves, but I look at how far you have carried me my beautiful daughter, and I can't help but feel special to be a mommy to an angel. I know that no matter how far I fall into the depths of grief that the hand of my Faith will reach out into the darkness and guide me to the light of the living. I am so proud to call you my daughter. THANK YOU my daughter, my angel. Love.