What am i feeling?

September 11, 2009
Lost for words again. I'm so excited for all my DS friends that are expecting. Still praying for the ones still in the game. Hoping for a touchdown. I feel the grief but can't address it. This worries me that i might crash hard soon. Life hasn't given me time to deal with it. I don't miss dealing with it, but I have the constant ache or lump in my throat feeling. Even when I truly feel happy, it's there.I just look at Hope who is already 2 months old. Time flies with every child but i especially don't want it to this time. She is my gift from Faith. i don't want to focus on the grief. It takes away from living. But it is part of my living, so it can't be ignored the way i want. This shit is so confusing. Our lives- our minds are so confusing. It's hard to know if what we are feeling is normal if we are on track. Is it always one step forward two steps back?If we are feeling good, is that ignoring the grief?Then no one wants us to acknowledge our loss. They want us to be happy and forget. That doesn't help knowing what to feel.No one brought Faith up before Hope, and they certainly don't now. I posted on facebook the pic where Tamberly wrote "Hope flies on the wings of Faith" in the sand. A nonDS friend commented Wow- you are so blessed. Now coming from one of you guys that would be acceptable. But coming from a nonDSer it irritates me. Will it always be that way? I am blessed so much, but feel cheated too.


I feel like everything is a distraction from my feelings. My biggest fear is that when Hope is no longer a baby that's when the worst part of the grief will fall upon me. i know that mothers have a hard time when children leave the nest. How hard will it be when ours do?i know I'm jumping too far ahead and that i need to live in the moment. Lately I feel like I'm thinking too much and can't focus on one thought or feeling. I just want to be able to enjoy like i use to. I always told Kevin to not worry and to have faith and to believe that everything will be ok. Now i find myself worrying. Losing a child makes you see beyond the surface. Superficial is so unimportant to us. Losing a child also makes you a worrier. Hope is my fifth. I have three other living children, yet i was in a panic for her to get shots yesterday. I have always been a germ phob, but had gotten over it while pregnant with Faith. i said i would not let fear rule my life. Now I am consumed with the fear that Hope can still be taken. So fear, grief, worry does not leave even when you are happy. Boy that's grim. i might feel that now but i will fight it always. I will not accept that they will always consume me. I am happy to even feel happiness tainted with these things. i have hope that the happiness will overshadow them one day. until then I push forward. Faith this is the mother you have made me. You make me strong and proud. You are a super angel little one. i might be scared but because of you i know i will make it. Love you sweet butterfly.