4 months

January 4, 2008
It's so weird how your mind knows even before you realize. Yesterday, I had a lot to do so I didn't realize that it was the third until last night when I completely broke down. I sat in my car listening to my Faith cd. Then I realized it's been 4 months today. I understood why I had been extra testy and sad the whole day. I can't believe that it has been that long. I can close my eyes and feel her in my arms. I can smell her. I can feel my lips touching her little nose. Oh, what I wouldn't give to kiss that nose again. Faith you had the prettiest nose in the family. I want you back. These days that's all I can come up with. I just want you back. I begged God to let me wake up last night. To let this be a nightmare. Thinking of how it might be 50 years before I hold her again brings me such anxiety. I don't want to be eighty something when I hold my daughter. Will she be a baby? Or is everyone the same age in heaven? How long does this gnawing pain in my soul last? Is this the part that is forever? This helplessness of knowing I'll never have you. I say that and it feels like it shouldn't be real. Never- you will never be here. Why should a mother ever have to say those words? When someone close to you dies, you find comfort knowing that one day you will meet again. On a good day that does bring me comfort, but on days like this it seems so far away. I can't get the feeling that I'm caught between two worlds to go away. Living children here- Faith there. I can't be completely a part of either. I always wanted to be a mother. What a cruel joke to take my daughter from me. It has left me paralized. Of course I can have my ok days where I can push it to the back of my thoughts. Then I lose it. I don't want my children to suffer. I feel like they don't have the strong mother they were so use to having. I'm damaged. I just feel like I'm in a fog that I can't see through. It's so frustrating. I just want you back my angel. The anxiety of knowing that this will never be over is overwhelming. How can you get through something that can never be fixed? I'm so thankful for all that i'm blessed with-My angel, Nash Krista, Grace, this baby, your daddy, family and friends, but I can't enjoy those blessings fully without you. There is this huge black hole in my soul without you here. How long must I carry sorrow in my soul, grief in my heart day after day?