Suffocating

April 25, 2009
I feel like this world is suffocating me. I don't want to be everything to everyone. I want to scream for them to get the hell away from me so I can finish dying inside. My own family doesn't ask about how life is without Faith. My own mom lives with us and does she ever ask-NOOOOOOO! She talks about how sad it is that her great nephew decided to have a court house wedding because his new wife couldn't stand having a church wedding after her grandmother's death. But I want to do everything I do every day when my daugher died. NO! I know death hurts, but I can't have sympathy anymore over the death of someone that had a long life that is leaving a lifetime of memories behind. I understand what our priest has always meant about celebrating death that our loved ones have accomplished what we are all striving for- eternal life. But when he says this about my infant daughter I get a little ticked. We don't have a lifetime of memories to help u through the pain. We just have should haves. My husband cares - but still doesn't see that I can't be the everything. I have gone back to doing everything Cynthia has always done, but I feel like the walls are closing in. I don't want to pay bills, pack lunches, drive people to the drs and school, clean,or think for anyone. Simple things that keep life going irritate me most because they don't seem to be worth doing. Why do I have to do things that make people around me have a normal life while I have an empty shell of one?to everyone around me as long as I act like the old me their life is good. Well, mine isn't. I guess to some Hope is a replacement that I can't hurt about Faith now. She was never here I guess! Why don't people understand that while this pregnancy does bring joy and hope, it has also made it harder not easier. Trying to constantly have hope for new life and worry about Hope has made me push back feelings that I need to deal with over losing Faith. I would not change my decision about getting pregnant quickly because I know that it was the best decision for me. i know that I'm the type of person that has to always be moving towards a goal. Faith's death made me feel like I was going backwards and standing still at the same time. I needed the positive that goes with the subsequent pregnancy. I understand what others said about needing time to only grieve the loss. I couldn't imagine doing that.To be living only in the grief process.Yes that would have probably been the sensible thing to do. As hard as it is dealing with a new pregnancy at the same time I'm trying to grieve Faith, I really believe that for me only grieving would have killed me. So now that I know that i was trying in some ways run from the grief, what does that mean? Will I crash after I have Hope? Will my plan to have joy along for the ride with grief work?I don't know but right now I just want to crawl in a hole and hide. i don't want to be anything for anyone, when I've always been everything for everyone. It hurts to know that as long as I look the same and act the same, people in my life are satisfied. They ignore my pain so that their life goes on. They don't mind leaving the grieving mother behind letting her suffocate in pain. I love you Faith. Your death is the reason I hurt. Your life is the reason I go on because I want you to be proud of me. God calm my soul.