I can't breathe

Friday, March 27, 2009
When I was pregnant with Faith, I woke up all the time with this panicked suffocating feeling. I physically felt like I was under water and couldn't come up for air. I thought about it often, wondering if something was wrong because it wasn't the usual breathlessness of pregnancy. I never thought that something was wrong with Faith. After I lost her, I thought that maybe that was a sign or message that she couldn't breathe. It haunts me. Thinking that she couldn't get air. No matter how much my dr says that it was quick, I struggle letting go of this. No matter how quick, she had to at some point feel like she couldn't breathe. My baby girl I'm so sorry. I love you. I wish I could have helped you.



Last night I woke from a sound sleep with the same feeling. Suffocating - I wanted to scream and cry but I couldn't get enough air. I was having a panic attack because I felt trapped. I felt held down.Then of course my mind goes everywhere. Is this a sign that I will have the same thing happen? I was trying to talk myself down. Telling myself that I have so much more monitoring that Hope will be ok and will live here with me. Then I had this horrible thought that they will see a problem and refuse to deliver her because it would be too early. That my Hope would be trapped. Please somebody tell me, ensure me, promise me that I won't lose her. They can't. They rearrange words to make you feel better, but they can't promise. Why can't I breathe? Is this a sign? My mind is torture- there seems to be no true peace. I want to excuse this to the panic that grief brings, but I had the same feeling when I had no clue Faith would leave. Thanks for letting vent my madness.