December 24, 2009
Faith this year feels far more sad than last. Maybe it was the newness of the giref last year. Maybe I was still in shock over your loss and couldn't feel completely the pain of you gone. Maybe because after a year of doing things in honor of you instead of with you has taken its toll on me. I am so tired of releasing balloons, decorating trees, taking pictures of your grave after I decorate it, making a photoalbum of your first year that includes pictures of your funeral, I just want you back.We visited you today, I sat in the pouring rain today with the wind blowing trying my hardest to get your tree to stand up-sobing- wondering why -wishing you could be at home waiting for Santa. I have learned so much this year without you. I have found that you can have hope and happiness, but sadness will always remain. My heart is forever broken without you. If I can't mother you, I can never be whole. I love you my beautiful daughter. Always know that you are in my heart. Merry Christmas baby-enjoy your friends-enjoy Jesus. Give mommy the strength to make it through tomorrow and to give your baby sister a beautiful first Christmas and Nash, Krista, and Grace a happy day they all deserve. Everyone has been sick except me and Hope. Please, keep her well at least for her first Christmas.We will be delivering your first memorial basket in your honor tomorrow to the hospital. My biggest fear is that tomorrow it will be needed. Please band will all angels to keep babies safe for Christmas. I wish that you could prevent this from ever happening again, but sadly I know you can't. I can ask that you watch over all the rainbow babies.I love you always, Mommy.
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