July 24, 2009

I'm so happy yet so full of sadness. How can someone feel two extremes at the same time? I have journaled every step of my pregnancy with Hope. It ended with the joy I hoped for- my baby living in my arms sent by my beautiful angel. I knew that all sorts of emotions would rush in after I had her. I have been thinking all week about if I wanted to journal about the feelings I'm having. I didn't want to come off as not being appreciative for my sweet little blessing. I came to the conclusion that i had to write about these feelings because they are part of this journey. It doesn't end with a living baby in your arms and the pain erased. I never thought it would erase the pain of not having Faith here, but hoped for some happiness to help me through. Hope is so wonderful and sweet. i find myself missing Faith even more. This is so strange. I have times when I'm enjoying Hope and then i remember my reality. I hate that no matter how happy we become we will always come back to our reality. I hold Hope and smile, then I look over at the picture of Faith's sweet face and sink into my sadness again. I feel guilty for still yearning so badly for her, when I have Hope in my arms. People just want me to be normal again because I have been blessed again. They will never know or understand that having a new little girl doesn't replace the little girl I lost. I do hope that Faith sent a piece of her with Hope when she chose her. I'm scared that Faith will leave me now because Hope is here. I haven't seen many signs from her lately. Please don't go Faith.