June 8, 2009
The NST went well. Hope was so active again, I had to hold the monitor in place. I got a tentative amnio date. He is going to try to make it the 24th. I'll be a day shy of 36 weeks. He was so sweet that he offered 35 weeks because Faith passed at 35w4days. I would love to, if i could be promised that she would come home with me. I don't mind if she has to stay, but I know that would be hard. Since I can't predict how emotionally insane i will be, I don't want to risk her staying for days after i leave. I feel so guilty putting this on her for making her come out early.
On the way to the appt, I was listening to my Faith CD and chatting with my sweet girl. Usually, I can hold back the tears. Well, not today. They poured out. This just sucks- this unforgivable thing life has done to us. I can never get past the fact that this is a forever pain. It will never leave. It will change from day to day, but will never leave. Knowing that makes me have that trapped feeling. The no destination feeling. The no solution feeling.Forever unresolved. It will never be fixed. In life you expect hardship, but only the kind that is fixable with time. I don't care how much people want to try to spoon feed me the load of crap that time will make it better. What the F*c# ever. Time makes meaningless things better. I'm living and doing. I'm trying to have as good a life as possible, but it will forever be missing you, Faith. It will never be what it could have been. It will never be right. Mommy loves you, and I will always miss you sweet baby girl. Thank you for sending Hope to us. You picked a lively spirit. You knew she needed to be strong. ;)
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