13 months without you

October 3, 2009
We all went to lunch, and as I was holding Hope I was watching a one year old baby boy sitting in his hi-chair across from us. I wanted so badly to pull his hi-chair over to our table ,and it be you sitting there with us, eating your wagon wheels or cereal with sweet potatoes. Who knows you could be like Krista that yelled at us for a slice of pizza at 6 months. lol Faith it is moments like those that make my deep wounds split wide open. Baby girl as much as those times hurt me, I have to focus on what you have done for me by sending your little sister here. She is so precious. Right after you passed, i signed up for your picture to be retouched by a place online. I had forgotten I did that until a few days ago when your two pictures came in the mail. You look even more beautiful. I was holding Hope, while i looked and cried over them. I glanced down at your little sister, and she stared up at your picture and smiled. I find so much peace knowing that you sent her and she knows you. I just can't believe it's been so long without you. That your little sister is 12 weeks. Time goes by so fast. A year later I still ache, mourn, yearn, and beg for you to be here, but it also brings me the desire to live for you too-To do things that will make you proud. I can no longer sit and watch life pass me by. i can no longer allow people in my life to watch life pass them by. I hope I'm not putting too much pressure on your brother and sisters. I hope that by asking them to put forth a little more effort in what they do in your honor will make them strong and loving people. Nash had to write a paper and daddy was left in charge to oversee him. Well, you know how that went. There was no way he would be allowed to hand that paper in, and Nash knew that. Mommy gave him a long speach last night about you not being here and how he could do so much with the gifts that God has given him. I'm sure you're happy that you are spared from my speeches.lol I know I am very winded, but I hope at least half of what I say sticks. I know that they are young and need to be kids, but they are special because they have you. I want so much for them to make a difference and feel like they lived life to its fullest. If I need to back off, just let me know. Help daddy lighten up a bit. It makes mommy so mad that he lets the little things bother him so much. I say- "STOP COMPLAINING!" Could you say that to him somehow then maybe he would get it. He is so disappointed in himself. Help him make changes. Help me be patient with him while he tries. I know I sometimes have to high of expectations for people. Oh, one more request- PLEASE help me have patience with Mema. I know she can't hear or see, but my patience is so thin with her.She can't hear and will argue over a conversation she can't even hear. She used sand paper on my oven racks. Am I crazy for getting a little upset? She uses all of the clorox to clean out the outside garbage can. She collected all of the hickory nuts in the yard- put them in the planter on the porch and wonders why we have squirrels on the porch! lol i know these are petty things,but she does things like that daily. I swear we should have a reality show. I feel like i live in an insane asylum. I love you baby girl. Mommy will write(complain) again soon. until then you are in my every thought.