July 3, 2009
The days without you have been going by so fast. Each day there is something that brings me to that day. That day was the worst in my life. I never thought that I would say that about one of my children's birthdays. The silence replaced the joy of welcoming a new and perfect little addition to our family. That you were-perfect. Tears of sadness welcomed you and I hate that. We miss you so much. You and Grace would be playing so much by now. I remember Krista so excited for Grace to come, and then always asking when is she going to do something. Now Grace would feel so important because you would make her feel like a rockstar. Nash and Krista ignore her a lot. She gets so frustrated trying to be included. She is so headstrong and knows that her opinion matters, but they just won't listen.;) I know you listen sweet girl. i just wish she could see how you do think she is a rockstar. I can imagine your eyes lighting up when she enters a room. A few days ago, I was so upset your baby sister wasn't coming yet. You know because of the fear she'll leave too. Grace saw me crying and came to give me monkey hugs. She said I really want baby Hope's name to be baby Faith. She has waited 19 months to be a big sister. Hopefully she will be holding Hope in her arms soon. It will be a wonderful day for us all. BUT baby girl we all wish we could see you hold your baby sister. Grace misses you so much. Right now the family dynamic is each of them being annoyed by one another. lol I know that when i'm journaling about your first birthday I will be talking about how by then you would be getting into Grace's toys and she would be leaving you out. I would love to have you go through all the changes with them. I would love to see how your personality fits in. Would there be screaming matches between you and Grace because you are headstrong like mommy too? Or would you be an angel on earth too and try to calm Grace. Would you be daddy's girl? Would he finally have one that takes his side? Probably not because he gets so tickled at all of us gaining up on him. I know for sure you would completely have his heart. he carries his "Faith stone" everywhere. You know this is special because he loses or breaks everything. he gets so concerned when he leaves it at home. Why can't you just be here?I want you to be a part of this crazy life with us. Now I talk to you and have a bond with you that most mothers never have with a child. Our bond is stronger than any bond I'll ever have with my living children. But I don't want it. I want to have a normal mother daughter bond with you. I want to tell you like I tell Grace- NO you can't wear a bathing suit to the store. I want to be able to have joy with you. I want to yell at you when you do something wrong. Although i told Kevin I can't imagine yelling the name Faith in anger. Well, i never will because you will forever be our safekeeper -our guiding light- in this messed up world. i wish I could feel all the love you pour over us everyday. I feel your love, but i know that love from an angel is greater than I can ever imagine it to be. One day, I'm hoping a long time from now for your brother and sisters sake, I will feel every ounce of that love rush over me when we meet again. Until then I will forever miss you- my heart will always ache- I will always feel pride to call you mine. My heart will cry and smile for you forever. You are my hero. Your are my little girl. I want to hold you. You're time in my arms didn't last long enough. Your memory lasts forever. Mommy loves you sweet cheeks.
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