Flashing back

January 9, 2010
Only we can go from laughing our asses off while watching Hangover to sobbing uncontrollably in the shower minutes after. I hate this, I hate this... I flashed back to being pregnant with Faith. I try not to- I don't want to. Remembering makes it so much harder to walk through this life. I have been feeling really down off and on the last few weeks especially since the monthly bitch is back in my life. I was saying to Kevin it feels really shitty if this is how it is always going to be. I don't get a break. As the beginning of the month approaches I feel a since of doom because Faith passed on the 1st and was born on the 3rd and buried on the 6th. Those days- those numbers always get me.Then as I start to pick myself up and regain my balance the lovely bitch starts to screw with me. Well tonight Kevin and I watched Hangover, which I must say was hilarious. Why can't i just have a hilarious day without remembering. BECAUSE if I don't remember then I'm not remembering my daughter. I don't want her to always be the but of the statement- I'm happy but... BUT sometimes she is because losing her destroyed life as I knew it. Some positive things came from it BUT those things can't override what was destroyed. I stood in the shower crying because this time- man I can't even say last year anymore. This time two years ago, I was starting to obsessively take pregnancy tests too soon for a baby that I had fought for over a year to have. When you want something so bad something so beautiful and the person you love doesn't want the same-it really hurts you to the core of your being. Well two years ago we were finally on the same page to have baby #4-our big finale. Two years ago I was so excited to see that pink plus sign so excited that i was testing a week after trying-just to be able to pee on that stick-just because I was in the baby making mode. Almost 2 weeks later I got that beautiful pink plus sign over and over again at my best friends house. I showed it to everyone in my second family. My second mom, Evelyn was so happy. I couldn't stop grinning. Kevin looked as if he was pretending to be happy.Because then we were normal. I wanted another baby and he caved in. He was a normal guy that only worried about how a fourth would affect our life financially. Neither of us knew two years ago just how much that beautiful pink plus sign was going to change our life in so many beautiful and horrible ways. again tonight flashing through my mind another moment pregnant with Faith-me sitting on my neighbors couch still grinning as I stared at her as she held her newborn daughter and thinking Oh I can't wait to be holding my baby nuzzled against my neck listening to him/her breathe and feeling the warmth of him/her breath against my neck. Flashing to the day you went away. Why does my mind do this to me? Taking a nap with Grace who had just had a tantrum from being so tired from all the excitement of all the company. I was thinking about how she was my baby for just a little while longer. Every pregnancy I have so many tearful days because I feel like i am taking away the baby role of the one before. I woke from that nap feeling sick. I don't remember you moving that day. You never moved that much during the day because mommy was always busy.The night before Mommy and Daddy went to Sara's and you moved frantically as if you were flipping. We all laughed as they watched my belly rolling from across the room. Sara's MIL said as she was leaving-I guess the next time I see you I'll be meeting Faith. I said I hope so. By the next night I had cleaned so much that I could barely walk up the stairs to get some water to take to bed. I came down so exhausted but so happy that our wall was finished and now our floors were complete. I could barely walk but i had to mop your nook in our room. I had to put your furniture back in place. I was talking to you. I said I'm sorry that I was making us so tired that you hadn't moved. I said I promise that after i finish mopping we will go to bed and your sisters can dance for you. By the time i finished and showered they were asleep. That was the first sign of our life gradually becoming the worst time of our lives. I laid down and said ok I'm done you can move. Nothing nothing nothing.I thought of waking your sisters because I just knew their voice would do the trick, but something-maybe you stopped me. I woke all night off and on. Each time with an upset stomach. I thought maybe I'm in labor and that's why you won't move. Everytime panic would set in something maybe you would lull me back to sleep. Finally, I got up and went to read the What to Expect book. It said to eat and didn't really make a big deal of it. I went upstairs ate some doughnuts. Nothing. I was begging you to move. I pushed on my side and felt your little elbow or knee. I still didn't call the dr-it was Labor Day and i didn't want to wake them. I think I was in shock-I don't know, but I went back to bed and agian lulled back to sleep. I woke in a panic a few hours later. I called the drs they said come on in. I thought a quick heartbeat check and I'll be able to laugh this off. I called Kevin on the way. He reassured me that you were ok. I even wrote in my pregnancy calendar Faith not moving... hoping to finish with a joke. No joke- no heartbeat-you were gone-what does that mean-How-Why-fix it-babies don't die-bring her back. ALONE-the beginning of hell...