January 31, 2010
Last night I had a sleepover for Krista's 9th birthday. Two of her friends from 1st grade came. I was pregnant with Faith that year and was very active in Krista's class. I remember Krista going to school telling all her friends that I was expecting when I was only 6 wks. Thinking back on how I use to be so carefree-I got the pink lines and was guaranteed my fourth baby in my arms. i didn't know that she would be sleeping. I had no idea that could happen. Looking at how much they have grown and how much I have missed with Faith was weighing heavy on me. There were four girls and all knew about Faith. Krista talks about her all the time at school. I love that she is so proud to include Faith all the time. First a little girl asked what was I going to name my little girl that died. I told her that her name is Faith. She said I have a cousin named Faith. It always kills me to hear of a little girl named Faith living and playing and being enjoyed by her mommy. I made it through that question. Earlier I was telling her mom about Faith and she said she knows two people that have lost. I am so tired of trying to accept this "rare" thing in my life and hear so often about another mom hurting from this "rare" thing too. Later the girls were telling ghost stories, which is expected at a nine year old's sleepover. Well, then Faith became part of that. It made me angry when they acted as if she were making the balloon move, but then I thought I am always saying that Faith is with us. Maybe that is how my kids process it. I explained that she isn't here moving things around that she is happy playing in heaven. I said that she watches over us and comforts us when we are in need. It is so hard to explain to children, especially ones that have not lost. Then one tells Krista that she was supposed to be a triplet. She said that she had a brother and a sister. I don't know how far along her mom was. It makes me so sad that so many babies are gone too soon. My girls came to get their stuffed Faith angel dolls to sleep with. i was proud that they want everyone to know about our beautiful angel. When i went down to get Hope to sleep they were very loud, so I called Krista and of course everyone came.lol Her best friend Katie looked at Faith's picture and said she is so beautiful. I had to use all my strength not to burst into tears. How beautiful is that. What a sweet child. She is my favorite now.lol Later one of the little girls from her 1st grade class asked to go home at 11:15 because them talking about Faith scared her. I think because the other girls were saying that Faith was making the balloon move. They thought because it kept hitting my "Faith" sign that she was doing it. lol I have my house full of "Faith" stuff as you can imagine, so the chances of it touching something with faith on it is very big. Anyway, it made me sad and a little angry that the thought of my baby girl scared her enough to go home. And my kids know death so well. I wish that they could still be that naive.
I felt bad for her mom that had to get her other kids out of bed in the cold to get here by midnight. I don't know if I should call her or not. I wonder what the conversation was on the car ride home. I don't even like the question- how many kids do you have let alone calling someone to bring up Faith myself. I think her mom does know about Faith. We went on field trips together while i was pregnant. I think I will let it go for now and see what she says at school tomorrow. Tomorrow will be 17 months since Faith died. It was also a monday, so this weekend i was thinking of the saturday night that she moved so frantically. I thought it was funny. I remember saying that she is out of room,and wants out. I hate months like this that the days fall into the order.
17 mos without you. I just can't wrap my mind around it. I was thinking of how you should be so excited to play with all those big girls. How tired you would have been but fighting your sleep. That you should be walking around sticky with cake icing all over you. Now that your gift is 7 mos in a week, time is my enemy more than ever. I not only hate that it is taking me so far away from the only day I held you, but it is making Hope's infancy fly by. Stay with us always baby. Hold mommy close. Help me figure out these dreams I ahave been having. I love you so very much. i miss you every moment without you. Keep us all safe and HEALTHY!!! Make sure these breathing treatments work quickly for baby Hope. Love.
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