August 31, 2009
Faith mommy is sitting here listening to your CD. The songs have carried me through this year. This time I'm holding your gift to us. Our sweet Hope. She is sleeping soundly in my arms. Who knew that such sad songs would be her lullabies. It is s strange to be holding a baby in my arms the very day a year later that you went away. My worst day and best day.The best because you graced our lives and the worst because you couldn't stay. We said hello at the same time we said goodbye. The first song daddy and I found was called Smallest Wingless. It says- Sadness is just love wasted without a heart to place inside. I miss you so much. One of my favorite songs to you is playing Will You Remember Me by Sarah Mclaughlin. Will you? I hope my beliefs are true. The lyrics-I'm so tired but I can't sleep standing on the edge of something much too deep. It's funny how we feel so much but cannot say a word Though we are screaming inside... Clinging to a past that doesn't let me choose. Faith mommy and every mommy here is screaming inside and no one hears. Pray for us. Thank you for leading me to this support group.Strangely the CD has a song that was popular during my pregnancy that I would turn up as loud as I could and sing with your sisters-Tattoo. I never really listened to the words until it came on the radio after you flew away sweet girl. You're still a part of everything I do You're on my heart just like a tattoo. No matter what they say about love I keep coming back for more. No matter what they say about life I learn everytime i bleed. The truth is a stranger my soul is in danger...If I live every moment won't change any moment it still a part of me and you- I will never regret you- still the memory of you marks everything I do. Those are my pity party songs. Crying seems nothing like it use to. It use to heal my broken heart. I would let every tear flow and feel such peace. Whatever the problem a good cry seemed to fix it. Not now Faith. The crying is neverending and does not fix this gaping hole you left. All i hav eleft is hope that my beliefs are true that though my faith might be tested I will spend eternity with you. That when I am hopefully old and have met my grandchildren that I will come to mother you the way i dream of. I can only imagine and pray and hope and have Faith.
Tonight is a little different. i know you had something to do with that. Daddy got to come home early from his trip. I am not alone.Thank you. i know that I will wake often and remember begging you to move. I hope that replaying these days will bring some healing and that even though your birthdays will always have sadness i hope they will become something to celebrate. Because Faith the gift that you are outweighs the loss. Holding you I've held everything.
I'm going to go baby and listen to the song that lifts me up. Footprints in the sand.
I promise you I'm always there when you heart is filled with sorrow and despair I'll carry you when you need a friend you'll find my footprints in the sand.
I can feel you my butterfly. I know you are there. That's what will carry me. I hope it's not too late to order your cake. Do your magic. Love
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