April 1, 2010
I have to begin with a thank you, baby girl because the other night was one of those nights where mommy just can't see past the reality of not having you. I might sound strange to some for thinking/knowing that you send me signs to help me through this journey, but those signs are what sustain me. I know you are here, in every butterlfy that i see,every smile and giggle exchanged between Hope and Grace, with every random thing like the penny that fell from my pocket that had 2008 on it, with every hug i receive from a fellow angel mom on a bad day, with every laugh I get from Buggy when she sees me crying for you, with every thank you that we get for giving the baskets, when I saw that the hospital gift shop sells your lambs, when we are led to the "right" people in our new fight for a CBRS, when I like your Daddy now lol, and with every song of yours that comes on the radio just when i need you. Thank you for being there for me always baby girl. Back to my thanking you for the other night. Once again after a long cry, I was given something to bring me back to being thankful. Daddy, yelled for me to come and I thought something was wrong. He came racing downstairs and said ok Buggy do it again-do it again. Then she said it, Da Da!! It was as if we had never heard a baby say those words before. Everything she does brings us joy and brings us forward. Your gift ties us all together. She brings the past- the pain into the present and it is engulfed with your love and her love. She makes it where i can remember the happiness of when your brother and sisters were babies. After you went away i couldn't think of those times without hurting so bad that I wouldn't share that with you. I still have times that knowing that makes me fall to my knees and feel as if i won't be able to snap out of the darkness again. BUT as usual you give me reason. You give me reason through your brother and sisters. I know it is you. I know that by loving them and seeing your light shining through them that i will be able to make it through this life.Last night I felt crippled by the fact that if i am blessed to live 50 more years and watch your brother and sisters fullfill their dreams and hopefully give me lots of grandchildren and greatgrandchildren that would still mean 50 years until I see you again. I can't let myself dwell in that for long. if I do I will not make it. If I do on the otherhand focus on the fact that you are always guiding me and loving me and sending me those little signs to confirm that you are here then maybe just maybe I will be ok. I will be a good mom to your brother and sisters and to YOU. Stephanie brought that to my attention a few journals ago. I might not be mothering you the way I want, but I am your mother and I do mother you. I do this by fighting for you to receive a CBRS. I do this by loving your brother and sisters. I do this by giving baskets to moms that are just beginning this journey. I do this by including you always.I do this by acknowledging your gifts and signs and allowing them to lift me from the darkness.

Thank you for all the joy you have given me that always washes the pain away. Even if the grief will always surface I know that you will be here to shine through the darkness. You live up to your name very well.:) Please keep showing the way to make all my dreams in your memory come true- CBRS, non-profit, book, angel mom retreat,and many more. I know that I can do anything with you by my side. Please keep me strong enough to not fail.

It has been a long 19 months since I held you in my arms, but I can still remember your little fingers wrapped around mine, your sweet newborn smell, kissing your button nose, and whispering I love you into your ear until I couldn't say it anymore. That day was the worst and best day of my life, please help me to always be able to go back to that day. Keep watching over us and keep your brother and sisters safe- here in my arms. Keep me strong the next three days as I remember you leaving, you arriving, then saying goodbye. Have a Happy Easter with your friends and I hope you like your decorations. Love.