8 months without you

May 3, 2009
Sunday was my 8 month mark without Faith. We celebrated Krista's 1st communion. So many emotions that day. I bought Krista a dress that will be passed down to each girl except Faith. I also have a baptism gown that Krista and Grace both used and was planning for Faith to also. Watching Krista receive communion and knowing that I will never celebrate that for Faith hurts. That brought me to when i will hopefully have the joy of baptizing Hope. I will be holding my newborn daughter in a dress that Faith should have been baptized in. We plan on baptizing Hope on the anniversary of Faith's funeral. So a year after laying one daughter to rest we will celebrate presenting our new daughter to the church. I don't know what else to say. A few months ago the words would flood out.I have the same aches and sadness, but can't find the words or new words. I'm really just tired of wanting something that will never happen. I want to mother my daughter not burden her with my want for her. How can she enjoy heaven and at the same time babysit her heartbroken mommy? Now i have so much joy, but a joy that feels like it has a cancer trying to eat it away. The joy sometimes keeps the pain hidden,but it's never forgotten. I don't know if the joy will ever be powerful enough to fight off the cancer. Will I ever remember Faith without the sadness? Will there always be sadness attached to every blessing given by her tiny short life. I love you Faith. You will never be forgotten, but always cherished.



I "attempted" to write a poem for Faith a few weeks ago-



Life is a struggle

Lose a child life becomes hell.

The darkness is still and quiet

while my mind screams for help.

I yearn for the impossible

for something that will not change.

A chance to hold you to mold you

would take away the pain.

One chance is all I ask.

One time to hear you to feel you

would calm my soul.

For a moment my life

would be whole.

The mother in me can not let you go!

I love you Faith with all my heart and soul.

Until we meet again my heart will not be whole.