Wednesday, August 4, 2010

When I lost Faith, the nurse asked if she could take some photos of her for us. My first reaction was a sense of confusion. Why? When we think of photos especially of our babies' first photo, we certainly don't think of them being forever sleeping. I don't know how she convinced us to let her, but I am so grateful- indebted to her for giving me the the most priceless possession I have. When you are a mom of an angel, you can't watch them as they race through life accomplishing milestones like their first bath, first smile, first Christmas, first steps, first day of school...All we have is their first and last moment they will ever have on this Earth.
I have to admit I was very guarded with Faith's pictures in the beginning, only sharing them with my closest friends and family. Of course, she looked beautiful to me, but I wondered what they looked like to others. Did they see death or did they see the beauty that I see when I look at them? We find ourselves learning to become a proud mother to an angel- finding the strength and courage to proudly show off our precious children to anyone that will look. The fact is we carry them for 9 months and in the end we have the post pregnancy body, milk flowing, hormones raging, and no reward to show off to the world. We don't have a baby in our arms for people to ooo and ahh over. Where is our proud possession? Where is the proof that we carried this beautiful child for 9 months? Our proof is our pictures. Without them the world would never have to acknowledge that they existed. the truth is the closest of our friends and family won't even say their name. Most of the time the only time our children's names are said is inside their mother's head. BECAUSE we learn quickly within a few months into our grieving that people don't like us to say their name. As mothers we need to hear their names said. We will never call our child's name across a room full of children and have a child turn and answer, "yes, mommy?" We will never have them holding our hand in the store as we see an old friend that will then comment on how much they have grown. ALL we have is their photo to share. ALL we have are the memories of the first and last moments locked inside our heads. The fact is I have to surround myself with Faith's pictures in order to survive this hell life has dealt me. If her photo brings anyone heartache- I am so sorry that you can't see the beauty that I see. If you think me showing her photos is prolonging my "healing" process, sorry to break this to you, but you don't heal from losing a child. You learn to live again with a huge gapping hole in your heart. I was so hurt to find out that what I often think is some people's opinion is true- they think I am strange for posting a pic of my baby girl on FB. A person that I thought was a friend asked a friend why I felt the need to post Faith's picture all the time...She thinks that haivng her picture out would make it harder for me. To me that is her way of saying that she doesn't like the constant reminder of my dead child. Well, hop inside my head for a few hours and take a ride on the grief train...You can't jump off when you are tired of the ride. It takes you where it wants you to go, so posting pictures or not posting pictures will not lessen my pain. It might lessen your discomfort from my constant reminding you of my dead child, but I don't care. Maybe it would help you to learn to appreciate that you don't have the pain of not having one of your children in your life. I can't stand the selfishness of the people in this world. Please, know you are not immune to losing a child. If you lost a child at 5, would I think you were strange for having a picture of them posted- no...It just so happens that I wasn't lucky enough to have Faith living; therefore, I am only blessed with pictures of her forever sleeping. I did not lose a pregnancy, I lost a child. A forever sleeping child that is beautiful, and I will continue to share her with the world.

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

23 months- we've come so far baby girl

Faith, these last few days have been hard. Each month that goes by without you I feel like the hole in my heart for you gets deeper, but somehow I am getting stronger in this world. I still find that I fall hard on days like today, but all of your gifts pull me out of that dark place. It is you baby girl, you have made me stronger. Losing you didn't do it like some think. All that you have given me has made me who I am. The death of you broke me, and you rebuilt me. I was very down the last few days, so I made myself revisit my old journals. I needed to see and feel those old emotions to realize that I am doing good. Yes, I will always crash sometimes because the reality of living without one of your children in this world would make anyone crash. Many times I still feel the same as I did in that journal.Although, my life is forever missing a very important part of it because you are gone, I am finding the comfort I need in you. You amaze me in so many ways. I love you and miss you so very much. Hope truly does fly on the wings of Faith. xoxoxo

February 3, 2009
Where is my 5 month old?
Why aren't you here? The pain overshadows everything in my life. Nothing is truly happiness without you. Five months has past. How can this be? I can imagine your laugh -your smile- the crinkle in your nose. I miss your sweet face. How would it have changed? It will never change. I don't want to imagine you- I want you. No one understands. No one wants to understand my pain. I want someone to care. Some want me to be me. Others look at me like I'm broken. The rest don't know of you, I'm just another person. You were here- now you're gone. Why do I have to live in a world that isn't changed after losing you? With people that want me to pretend like I'm happy. With people that want to treat me like I'm not hurt. I hate this world that remains the same without you. I'm swirling in my pain- they all pass me by. I can't ever let you go; I'm sorry beautiful angel. I love you. I miss you. I want you. I will forever yearn for the impossible. This is my life. It will never be full.

That is where we were, Faith. I have to be thankful for where we are now.

June 29, 2010

Well, I have a lot going on. I need to release some of it into words. I have so much to be happy about right now and I am loving it. Of course outside issues have to try to knock me back a few steps. The scare with Grace really had my stomach in knots. I don't know how she went from having every symptom of Appendicitis to having none- completely healed. The dr said that often kids will have their white count go up at the onset of a virus. I knew this, but... I just don't believe that a kid would have a stomach bug that caused their white count to go up to 22, 000, a fever of 102, stomach cramps wothout throwing up or coming out the other end. Then the fact that no one else has gotten it. I thought Nash did but his symptoms have been completely different, sore throat, throwing up... Baby girl I am sure you saw how distraught your Mommy was and had a talk with the head honcho about fixing my Monkey. While watching her get poked at in the hospital and feeling so helpless, I flashed to the night before when I was watching her dance. While she was dancing I was thinking of how she wanted to dance with you so bad. I told her that she had to teach baby Hope how to dance soon. Your gift is already rocking her bootie back and forth when music is playing. Anyway, I started to think what if I will never see my Monkey do her "exotic" moves anymore. You know how she moves. I can't imagine not having her here and never seeing her dance again. Well last night it was so good to sit and watch her shake that bootay again. lol My Monkey, your big sister is one of a kind. Well, all of you are very much individuals. You are my angel, but I know you are a very strong stubborn one since you are my child.

Each month on the 1st-3rd I have a hard time because it marks another month without you. This month baby girl you will be proud that the sadness will at least be delayed. i am sure many tears will be shed as I watch Hope blow out her first candle on her first cake. It has gone by way too fast!!! I want a do over. Anyway, we are having a bug theme for Buggy's party. I am having the cutest dress made for her. I ordered the cake that is the shape of a #1 with flowers and bugs on it.She is here this year so i won't have to freeze this cake because she is late. ;) There will be lots of balloons and a jumping castle. We are having it in the Fourth so we are having a cookout and fireworks. She was supposed to be here last year by the 4th, but Party Girl had plans to hitch a ride with me a bit longer. She can't hide from me this year. :) AND the most most exciting part of the entire celebration is that PIA and ANDREW are coming to celebrate with us. I can't wait for Pia to hold my rainbow in her arms. To Mommy it is like she represents all my DS sisters that cheered on baby Hope to make it here safely. I couldn't have made it through any of this without them and you baby girl. As cheated as I feel without you here to hold, Mommy is starting to feel blessed again- not cursed. Thanks for always leading the way and taking such good care of us all. I am sure some tears will be shed that I won't be able to look into your eyes and see the pride and you see the pride in mine as we watch your gift smash into her first cake. I know that eveything I do you do with me, but I sure wish I just once see you with us all. I feel you I just wish I could see you and touch your sweet face. Okay I will stop before I have to add sadness to the title of this journal. You will be 22 months just before your sister turns 1. We will be preparing for your 2nd birthday soon.... Love!!

June 4, 2010

It has been 21 months, and I miss you so much. As you know Mommy has her up and down days, but you always give me the strength to stand up and live. i was doing pretty good coming out of my last slump, and then it happened. On Sunday, a friend's husband from church announced that she would be delivering on Tuesday by scheduled c-section and that her birthday would be the following week, so she wouldn't be coming. Most of the time normal pregnant women get on my nerves, but Julie never did. i could see in her eyes the appreciation and excitement. We were never close, mommy never liked sticking around to mingle at church since you went away. She and Agmed always looked Mommy and Daddy in the eyes with sincere sympathy. I could tell that somehow they knew without knowing that you never get over losing a child. when he announced their baby's pending arrival and Julie's birthday, I thought their life sounds so perfect please don't let it be ruined. I actually felt something drawing me to them on Sunday. I wanted so badly to tell her to do kickcounts and not to ignore her instincts. Daddy and i stuck around because the man that is a lawyer and is running for a House seat was there. He had told our friend Jodie that he would love to help us in our fight for a CBRS, and I wanted to take him up on his offer. In hindsight, we weren't compelled to stay for that reason were we baby girl? You and Luke needed your parents to exchange words even if they are words that haunt Daddy. He told them the forbidden words in our world, Congrats,early... He feels so bad for saying those words. As we were leaving i stopped in the parking lot and asked Daddy if I should go back and at least tell her to do kickcounts. We stood there for a second and said no we don't want to scare her. Although logically,I feel like i couldn't have stopped her from losing, in my heart I wonder could the meeting have been devine intervention from you in hopes that her baby could stay here with his family. I want to believe that Luke was already with you in heaven and you two wanted us to have some kind of meeting before the worst day of their lives happened leading to them needing us for guidance. i still can't help but wonder if i could have stopped it...Well, of course when something difficult happens your Daddy is out of town. i am thinking i need to get me a traveling career to be able to escape. ;) I got a phone call from Marie, it was so surreal listening to her message. Before she even said it I was thinking, please don't let her say that couple lost their baby, but she did. Baby girl i fell to my knees and i was back to the day you left. i have been there since. I went and sat with Julie and tried to give her as much comfort and guidance as I could and would have wanted for myself. I found it hard not to ramble of all to come, but i had to pull back because I can't tell her that you think it is bad but the game has just begun. i want to stay with her and guide her and prevent her from having to hurt as bad as it hurts, but i can't save her from reality. Looking at Julie and Agmed, I saw mommy and Daddy. they were laughing one minute and sobbing the next. You think it is the worst you can feel, but it is no where close. She had to have a c-section, so although she didn't have the agonizing hours of waiting to meet Luke like i did with you, she has a long recovery to remind her of what has been robbed from her. My heart aches for their little Anna who is seven and has been waiting for a baby brother or sister for a long time. Julie had a miscarriage last summer after trying for a few years. She was so excited when she got the positive that she told Anna, then miscarried. Like all of us moms she just knew this time Anna would be holding her baby brother so proudly today instead of holding him for a few moments and saying goodbye with the only kiss they will ever share. They asked me about anger and guilt. Of course we all have our bouts with both, but nothing angers me more than knowing you and your siblings will never have a relationship the way they have with each other in person. It is so sweet to listen to them say i love you as they fall asleep, or think of you when they see a butterfly, but there is always the moments when tears will well up in their innocent eyes from just wanting to share some of the dreams they had for you. i hate that another little girl has lost her innocence. I hate that another mommy and daddy know our forever pain. I just hope that we can be their guiding light and that you and little Luke stay close by. I haven't been seeing many butterflies, I need them as a physical sign that you are close, so as your mother I demand you send some to your butterfly garden. ;) You know i did plant it for that reason!! I love you so very much. Help me get out of this funk I have been feeling since I found out about Luke. I can't be feeling sick physically and emotionally, if i am going to be helping them. Thank you for your love my sweet sweet Faith.

May 29, 2010

I don't even know what to write about. I am in one of those moods where you feel disconnected from everything. I guess I am just tired of keeping up the fight to be happy and positive. I hate the quiet and its stillness. I use to love the quiet. I loved being alone to just think and dream, but now the quiet is a haunting reminder of what isn't. I feel like I have to keep life loud and busy so that I am not reminded of what is missing. I am tired... I just want to be happy without a but. At the beginning of all this, feelings were new and with each journal I felt like it was a release to write those feelings down like I was making progress, but now I feel like... damn that feeling is back again. I feel like I am running in one big circle of emotions and when one leaves I am waiting for it to return and bracing myself for the next to appear. As unpredictable as grief is at sneaking up on you and the not knowing which emotion it will bring; it is also constant and dull and draining.

Faith, I am so sorry that I am not so good at living the life I promised to you. I try so hard, I just can't be strong all the time. The weight is pulling mommy down. I will be looking for your hand in the dark- your next sign of hope to get me through this moment. Please know that I am not tired from being your mommy I am just so tired of being without you here. I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you...

Drown in sorrow or let your love give me fuel for this journey

May 2, 2010
I choose your love baby girl. Everyday, I get up because of your love. Sometimes, I cry, I yearn, I fall, but when its all over your love lifts me up. Tomorrow you will be 20 months old. Thinking of all you would be doing and how beautiful you would be, STINGS my soul. I always have to remind myself that it will always sting and I can not change reality. You will not be here and I will always hurt because of that, BUT I will not allow it to stop me from living. What good would it be if I wasted my life, A life you could be living and that I would gladly give up for you. I can not do that, so I will make sure I live my life to the fullest for you. I was looking for quotes and I found this one- "We must embrace pain and burn it as fuel for our journey." At first glance it kind of bothered me. I thought this person couldn't have lost a child to say that. After reading it again, it is so true. The pain of losing you is so intertwined with the love I have for you. The pain is so great because I love you so much. Sometimes I think they are one in the same. Just like Fr Mckenna saying "Grieve, but do not grieve without hope," bothered me at first, I realized that hope and faith in you were going to be the only things that would keep my soul from withering away.

My second Mother's Day without you is approaching quickly as is your second birthday, I feel stronger. I don't like the fact that I am missing one of my babies to celebrate the one thing that means most to me. BUT I have the gift of your love, a love that is so strong and vibrant in my life. I celebrate your love and in your memory, the only gift Mommy wanted this year is a Butterfly Garden. Mommy and Daddy spent three days planting flowers that attract butterflies. I can't wait until all the flowers grow tall and butterflies flutter by to say hello. A few days ago Grace ran inside yelling," Faith is coming, Faith is coming, Mommy!!!" Oh, the smile on her face. We have all become better becasue of you. I have seen the relationship between Nash and Krista; and between Krista and Grace.Yes, they were both excited to become a big brother and big sister, but Grace has an appreciation for you and Hope that is so beautiful. She is so gentle and loving. She never gets irritated. She has so much pride in being your and Hope's big sister. To see a butterfly and be so excited, I can only imagine if she got to see your beautiful face. When I am in heaven with you, and the day comes(I pray a very long time from now) when she is welcomed by us, I will love to see her smile and cry "happy tears" when she sees you. I hate seeing her cry for you. One day she will have everything she dreamed of with you when you were in my belly. We all will. I love you and miss you everyday.

How beautiful is it that all these rainbow babies are arriving safely? Sadly, another mommy lost her second. I will never understand the WHYS of any loss. Please rally with your friends to keep rainbows safe. Lily and Nicholas' mommies are still waiting for rainbows love. Help them send their mommies a rainbow. The hope in a rainbow helps so much. Thank you for my rainbow. She is beautiful, and I see so much of you in her. Thank you!!! Love!!
April 1, 2010
I have to begin with a thank you, baby girl because the other night was one of those nights where mommy just can't see past the reality of not having you. I might sound strange to some for thinking/knowing that you send me signs to help me through this journey, but those signs are what sustain me. I know you are here, in every butterlfy that i see,every smile and giggle exchanged between Hope and Grace, with every random thing like the penny that fell from my pocket that had 2008 on it, with every hug i receive from a fellow angel mom on a bad day, with every laugh I get from Buggy when she sees me crying for you, with every thank you that we get for giving the baskets, when I saw that the hospital gift shop sells your lambs, when we are led to the "right" people in our new fight for a CBRS, when I like your Daddy now lol, and with every song of yours that comes on the radio just when i need you. Thank you for being there for me always baby girl. Back to my thanking you for the other night. Once again after a long cry, I was given something to bring me back to being thankful. Daddy, yelled for me to come and I thought something was wrong. He came racing downstairs and said ok Buggy do it again-do it again. Then she said it, Da Da!! It was as if we had never heard a baby say those words before. Everything she does brings us joy and brings us forward. Your gift ties us all together. She brings the past- the pain into the present and it is engulfed with your love and her love. She makes it where i can remember the happiness of when your brother and sisters were babies. After you went away i couldn't think of those times without hurting so bad that I wouldn't share that with you. I still have times that knowing that makes me fall to my knees and feel as if i won't be able to snap out of the darkness again. BUT as usual you give me reason. You give me reason through your brother and sisters. I know it is you. I know that by loving them and seeing your light shining through them that i will be able to make it through this life.Last night I felt crippled by the fact that if i am blessed to live 50 more years and watch your brother and sisters fullfill their dreams and hopefully give me lots of grandchildren and greatgrandchildren that would still mean 50 years until I see you again. I can't let myself dwell in that for long. if I do I will not make it. If I do on the otherhand focus on the fact that you are always guiding me and loving me and sending me those little signs to confirm that you are here then maybe just maybe I will be ok. I will be a good mom to your brother and sisters and to YOU. Stephanie brought that to my attention a few journals ago. I might not be mothering you the way I want, but I am your mother and I do mother you. I do this by fighting for you to receive a CBRS. I do this by loving your brother and sisters. I do this by giving baskets to moms that are just beginning this journey. I do this by including you always.I do this by acknowledging your gifts and signs and allowing them to lift me from the darkness.

Thank you for all the joy you have given me that always washes the pain away. Even if the grief will always surface I know that you will be here to shine through the darkness. You live up to your name very well.:) Please keep showing the way to make all my dreams in your memory come true- CBRS, non-profit, book, angel mom retreat,and many more. I know that I can do anything with you by my side. Please keep me strong enough to not fail.

It has been a long 19 months since I held you in my arms, but I can still remember your little fingers wrapped around mine, your sweet newborn smell, kissing your button nose, and whispering I love you into your ear until I couldn't say it anymore. That day was the worst and best day of my life, please help me to always be able to go back to that day. Keep watching over us and keep your brother and sisters safe- here in my arms. Keep me strong the next three days as I remember you leaving, you arriving, then saying goodbye. Have a Happy Easter with your friends and I hope you like your decorations. Love.

March 7, 2010

Faith, I'm sorry I haven't written your 18 month journal until now. It was a very hard week for mommy in so may ways. A lot of feelings were trying to surface that i try to steer clear from. I think that is my mountain right now- not wanting to completely feel. I feel like if I stand still and actually think I will die inside, so I am constantly doing something to keep my mind off of what it means for you to be gone. I do stop and cry. The other night I got in the car and drove for a good hour and just cried as I listened to your songs. I updated your CD, which went from 16 songs to 37. I guess that was enough to bring anyone down. haha I have to do that sometimes though or I will explode. There aren't many times that I have time or let myself just feel. At the beginning, when I read about finding ways to help you cry when you can't find the tears, I thought how will I ever need help to cry over you. Now I know. I try so hard to not break down that when I actually feel the need to cry I have to be alone and listen to music that makes me think of you. At the beginning it was so hard for me to rebound from one of those crying sessions. Now throughout the crying for you I struggle with the part of me that wants you and misses you and the part that is totally thankful for what you have done for me. The blessings you have given me bring me out of the darkness to a place where I can look around and see the beauty that still remains in this world. Beauty that once seemed to have died with you. Mommy has always been a dreamer and someone that stopped to smell the roses. You leaving made me feel like the world was gray. Your blessings are bringing color back to my world. They don't kill the ache, but they make me get up everyday and appreciate the blessings that were mine before you left. I am able to parent your brother and sisters because I know that you light my way. I know that every sign from you every blessing from you is really you saying Mommy LIVE. LIVE But then there are times I find myself unknowingly in places that I went to while pregnant with you and I flashback without warning. Mommy and Daddy went to eat at a mexican restaurant that was new when I was pregnant with you. Daddy was out of town and never got to try it. We went last week, and it hit me full force. We were sitting across from where i sat with the kids with you in my big "torpedo" belly.(that is what we nicknamed my belly) The emotions of how I use to be came flooding in. I wanted to jump back in time to be able to feel like that again. I guess your blessings will be what picks me up when I fall into darkness like that. I have come to terms with the fact that this is my life. I will always struggle with working for happiness-that it will not fall into my lap like it seems to for some. Like Mommy's 2nd mom said," We all have our cross to bear in life." Mommy has the blessing of being able to "see" all the beauty that life has to offer without the unimportant things getting in the way like it does for some. You have blessed mommy in so many ways. Tomorrow your sweet gift is 8 months old. WOW-she is growing too fast. I'm happy to see her growing, but I wish i could watch her in slow motion. lol Thank you for always picking mommy up when I'm down. Your love- your spirit is bright in my life. Keep shining brightly in our world baby girl. I will never stop missing what could have been, but you will carry me through this life until we meet again. Love.

17 months

February 3, 2009
Faith I miss you so much. I know you were watching Mommy sit and cry as I looked at your picture. Rubbing my finger across your little arm and forehead hoping and wishing that for a moment I could really feel your skin and smell you sweet newborn smell. It doesn't take much to put me back in that moment- the worst and best day of my life. How could meeting an angel not be the best moment ever, yet not be the worst? I am so blessed to have had 9 mos with you growing beautifully inside of me until it was your time to become our guardian. I have often thought- why let me stay pregnant for 9 mos just to have you go away? Now I realize that if you left at 11 weeks like our first, then I wouldn't have enjoyed those ballerina kicks while your sisters danced for you at night. I have often gotten sad that you will not play in the sand on the beach with us, but you did go to the beach. You sat with me while your sister made sand castles. You loved laying in the sun with me. You played in my belly while Grace and I waded in the pool at the water park. You enjoyed all of your favorite foods that you made my favorites. You were with me when I bought your first outfit that you passed on to your sister. You were there when I bought your diaper bag that had slots on the front for your picture. I kept forgetting to get your name put on it. I debated for a long time to put your sister's name on it. I ended up putting both your names on it and a picture of you on the front with hers. People have commented on how beautiful you are-not knowing that you are forever sleeping. You and Mommy got to do so much while you hitched a ride in my belly. While I was crying and caressing your picture I was focusing on all of those things and they brought me sadness because I saw only the lost moments with you instead of focusing on all that I did get to do with you. I logged on to DS to write my journal and saw a beautiful entry written by a very inspiring friend-Tori. I will cry for you tonight because I do miss you so very much, but like always I will get back up and live. I will live for you and do for you in honor of you. Thank you Tori for being the beautiful person that you are.Thank you Faith for always reaching your hand out to me in the dark. I love you very much baby girl. You go back to palying with all you friends. While you are at it, I know, but I have to say it again. I'm your mommy and must nag.;) Tell Sam. Lily, Nicholas, and Tommy to help get their baby bro/sis into their mommys' tummies. Love.

Krista's friend afraid of Faith

January 31, 2010
Last night I had a sleepover for Krista's 9th birthday. Two of her friends from 1st grade came. I was pregnant with Faith that year and was very active in Krista's class. I remember Krista going to school telling all her friends that I was expecting when I was only 6 wks. Thinking back on how I use to be so carefree-I got the pink lines and was guaranteed my fourth baby in my arms. i didn't know that she would be sleeping. I had no idea that could happen. Looking at how much they have grown and how much I have missed with Faith was weighing heavy on me. There were four girls and all knew about Faith. Krista talks about her all the time at school. I love that she is so proud to include Faith all the time. First a little girl asked what was I going to name my little girl that died. I told her that her name is Faith. She said I have a cousin named Faith. It always kills me to hear of a little girl named Faith living and playing and being enjoyed by her mommy. I made it through that question. Earlier I was telling her mom about Faith and she said she knows two people that have lost. I am so tired of trying to accept this "rare" thing in my life and hear so often about another mom hurting from this "rare" thing too. Later the girls were telling ghost stories, which is expected at a nine year old's sleepover. Well, then Faith became part of that. It made me angry when they acted as if she were making the balloon move, but then I thought I am always saying that Faith is with us. Maybe that is how my kids process it. I explained that she isn't here moving things around that she is happy playing in heaven. I said that she watches over us and comforts us when we are in need. It is so hard to explain to children, especially ones that have not lost. Then one tells Krista that she was supposed to be a triplet. She said that she had a brother and a sister. I don't know how far along her mom was. It makes me so sad that so many babies are gone too soon. My girls came to get their stuffed Faith angel dolls to sleep with. i was proud that they want everyone to know about our beautiful angel. When i went down to get Hope to sleep they were very loud, so I called Krista and of course everyone Her best friend Katie looked at Faith's picture and said she is so beautiful. I had to use all my strength not to burst into tears. How beautiful is that. What a sweet child. She is my favorite Later one of the little girls from her 1st grade class asked to go home at 11:15 because them talking about Faith scared her. I think because the other girls were saying that Faith was making the balloon move. They thought because it kept hitting my "Faith" sign that she was doing it. lol I have my house full of "Faith" stuff as you can imagine, so the chances of it touching something with faith on it is very big. Anyway, it made me sad and a little angry that the thought of my baby girl scared her enough to go home. And my kids know death so well. I wish that they could still be that naive.

I felt bad for her mom that had to get her other kids out of bed in the cold to get here by midnight. I don't know if I should call her or not. I wonder what the conversation was on the car ride home. I don't even like the question- how many kids do you have let alone calling someone to bring up Faith myself. I think her mom does know about Faith. We went on field trips together while i was pregnant. I think I will let it go for now and see what she says at school tomorrow. Tomorrow will be 17 months since Faith died. It was also a monday, so this weekend i was thinking of the saturday night that she moved so frantically. I thought it was funny. I remember saying that she is out of room,and wants out. I hate months like this that the days fall into the order.

17 mos without you. I just can't wrap my mind around it. I was thinking of how you should be so excited to play with all those big girls. How tired you would have been but fighting your sleep. That you should be walking around sticky with cake icing all over you. Now that your gift is 7 mos in a week, time is my enemy more than ever. I not only hate that it is taking me so far away from the only day I held you, but it is making Hope's infancy fly by. Stay with us always baby. Hold mommy close. Help me figure out these dreams I ahave been having. I love you so very much. i miss you every moment without you. Keep us all safe and HEALTHY!!! Make sure these breathing treatments work quickly for baby Hope. Love.

Flashing back

January 9, 2010
Only we can go from laughing our asses off while watching Hangover to sobbing uncontrollably in the shower minutes after. I hate this, I hate this... I flashed back to being pregnant with Faith. I try not to- I don't want to. Remembering makes it so much harder to walk through this life. I have been feeling really down off and on the last few weeks especially since the monthly bitch is back in my life. I was saying to Kevin it feels really shitty if this is how it is always going to be. I don't get a break. As the beginning of the month approaches I feel a since of doom because Faith passed on the 1st and was born on the 3rd and buried on the 6th. Those days- those numbers always get me.Then as I start to pick myself up and regain my balance the lovely bitch starts to screw with me. Well tonight Kevin and I watched Hangover, which I must say was hilarious. Why can't i just have a hilarious day without remembering. BECAUSE if I don't remember then I'm not remembering my daughter. I don't want her to always be the but of the statement- I'm happy but... BUT sometimes she is because losing her destroyed life as I knew it. Some positive things came from it BUT those things can't override what was destroyed. I stood in the shower crying because this time- man I can't even say last year anymore. This time two years ago, I was starting to obsessively take pregnancy tests too soon for a baby that I had fought for over a year to have. When you want something so bad something so beautiful and the person you love doesn't want the same-it really hurts you to the core of your being. Well two years ago we were finally on the same page to have baby #4-our big finale. Two years ago I was so excited to see that pink plus sign so excited that i was testing a week after trying-just to be able to pee on that stick-just because I was in the baby making mode. Almost 2 weeks later I got that beautiful pink plus sign over and over again at my best friends house. I showed it to everyone in my second family. My second mom, Evelyn was so happy. I couldn't stop grinning. Kevin looked as if he was pretending to be happy.Because then we were normal. I wanted another baby and he caved in. He was a normal guy that only worried about how a fourth would affect our life financially. Neither of us knew two years ago just how much that beautiful pink plus sign was going to change our life in so many beautiful and horrible ways. again tonight flashing through my mind another moment pregnant with Faith-me sitting on my neighbors couch still grinning as I stared at her as she held her newborn daughter and thinking Oh I can't wait to be holding my baby nuzzled against my neck listening to him/her breathe and feeling the warmth of him/her breath against my neck. Flashing to the day you went away. Why does my mind do this to me? Taking a nap with Grace who had just had a tantrum from being so tired from all the excitement of all the company. I was thinking about how she was my baby for just a little while longer. Every pregnancy I have so many tearful days because I feel like i am taking away the baby role of the one before. I woke from that nap feeling sick. I don't remember you moving that day. You never moved that much during the day because mommy was always busy.The night before Mommy and Daddy went to Sara's and you moved frantically as if you were flipping. We all laughed as they watched my belly rolling from across the room. Sara's MIL said as she was leaving-I guess the next time I see you I'll be meeting Faith. I said I hope so. By the next night I had cleaned so much that I could barely walk up the stairs to get some water to take to bed. I came down so exhausted but so happy that our wall was finished and now our floors were complete. I could barely walk but i had to mop your nook in our room. I had to put your furniture back in place. I was talking to you. I said I'm sorry that I was making us so tired that you hadn't moved. I said I promise that after i finish mopping we will go to bed and your sisters can dance for you. By the time i finished and showered they were asleep. That was the first sign of our life gradually becoming the worst time of our lives. I laid down and said ok I'm done you can move. Nothing nothing nothing.I thought of waking your sisters because I just knew their voice would do the trick, but something-maybe you stopped me. I woke all night off and on. Each time with an upset stomach. I thought maybe I'm in labor and that's why you won't move. Everytime panic would set in something maybe you would lull me back to sleep. Finally, I got up and went to read the What to Expect book. It said to eat and didn't really make a big deal of it. I went upstairs ate some doughnuts. Nothing. I was begging you to move. I pushed on my side and felt your little elbow or knee. I still didn't call the dr-it was Labor Day and i didn't want to wake them. I think I was in shock-I don't know, but I went back to bed and agian lulled back to sleep. I woke in a panic a few hours later. I called the drs they said come on in. I thought a quick heartbeat check and I'll be able to laugh this off. I called Kevin on the way. He reassured me that you were ok. I even wrote in my pregnancy calendar Faith not moving... hoping to finish with a joke. No joke- no heartbeat-you were gone-what does that mean-How-Why-fix it-babies don't die-bring her back. ALONE-the beginning of hell...

16 months

January 3, 2010
16 months since I held you in my arms. I try not to go to that day. If I do, I am there wholeheartedly and physically, and I just can't handle it. Every month Faith I feel the weight of grief rolling in to remind me of my reality. That's not to say that I don't think of you every second of the day because if I find the quiet, you are there. If I look at the beauty of God's creation, you are there. If I fight with your Daddy, you are there. If I laugh with your Daddy, you are there.If I look into the eyes of your gift, you are there. When I watch your siblings playing, I can envision you there. Your spirit is strong, so strong that I feel you with me. So strong that I want to reach up and grab ahold of it-just to feel you.I feel you, but I can't touch you. That is the torture of this reality. A mother's instinct cannot be fulfilled, I want to nurture you. Instead I find that you are my nurturer. You are my strength. You are my light. You are my angel. I don't want an angel, but am so blessed to have one. Some days I feel so much more blessed than my "normal" friends to have the insight- the appreciation that comes with having an angel. I am a chosen mother to have the privilege to have an angel.On the other hand, most of the time I feel cheated and unlucky. Our relationship is so connected-connected in such a way that no one can come between our bond. It is a bond that does not have a physical connection since you grew in my womb, but a spiritual connection. With a spiritual connection, it is not seen, it is by Faith. A physical connection can be taken away at any time, but not one of faith. BUT I still feel cheated. i often feel guilty because I wish we could give up all the blessings and knowledge that have come from you being an angel-all the friendships- the renewed relationships-all the appreciations- all the insight just to be naive and selfish with you in my arms. Watching you grow and learn and love and hurt-watching you LIVE. The guilt comes from knowing what I have now because of you, but still I have the desire to give it all up to have you here. I am torn because of course not included in that is Hope. I of course could not part with your baby sister. That is another blessing from you being an angel, she is a new reason to live and fight for happiness. Life with an angel and a rainbow baby is so complex, but a complexity that I am so grateful for. 16 months ago I was engulfed in grief with no way out. No light. I could only see what was missing around me. Today when I look around there is happiness, even though laced with a sadness that will always be there. I look at your sweet face and I can do what I hoped for-smile while I cry. At times when I cry I do still feel paralyzed by the grief,the whys, the should haves, but I look at how far you have carried me my beautiful daughter, and I can't help but feel special to be a mommy to an angel. I know that no matter how far I fall into the depths of grief that the hand of my Faith will reach out into the darkness and guide me to the light of the living. I am so proud to call you my daughter. THANK YOU my daughter, my angel. Love.

2nd Christmas without you

December 24, 2009
Faith this year feels far more sad than last. Maybe it was the newness of the giref last year. Maybe I was still in shock over your loss and couldn't feel completely the pain of you gone. Maybe because after a year of doing things in honor of you instead of with you has taken its toll on me. I am so tired of releasing balloons, decorating trees, taking pictures of your grave after I decorate it, making a photoalbum of your first year that includes pictures of your funeral, I just want you back.We visited you today, I sat in the pouring rain today with the wind blowing trying my hardest to get your tree to stand up-sobing- wondering why -wishing you could be at home waiting for Santa. I have learned so much this year without you. I have found that you can have hope and happiness, but sadness will always remain. My heart is forever broken without you. If I can't mother you, I can never be whole. I love you my beautiful daughter. Always know that you are in my heart. Merry Christmas baby-enjoy your friends-enjoy Jesus. Give mommy the strength to make it through tomorrow and to give your baby sister a beautiful first Christmas and Nash, Krista, and Grace a happy day they all deserve. Everyone has been sick except me and Hope. Please, keep her well at least for her first Christmas.We will be delivering your first memorial basket in your honor tomorrow to the hospital. My biggest fear is that tomorrow it will be needed. Please band will all angels to keep babies safe for Christmas. I wish that you could prevent this from ever happening again, but sadly I know you can't. I can ask that you watch over all the rainbow babies.I love you always, Mommy.

Counting to five

December 5, 2009
You can't count to five by skipping four. You might say where is four-isn't that four? That is five not four. Then where is four? Four began as a dream to have just one more than three. Instead we have five without four. How did we get to five and not have four? We had four; we don't get to keep four. Four is still there just not seen. Four is in every thought-every tear-every smile-every rainbow-every yellow butterfly- every reason that I go on. Four is the reason we count to five.

15 months

Mommy is so sorry that I don't write much anymore. I think to and then the words get lost. I try so hard to live in the moment and enjoy your precious gift. It is always an uphill climb, baby.I was listening to our theme song-The Climb. The words-I can almost see it that dream I'm dreaming-but there's a voice inside my head saying you'll never reach it Every step I'm takin every move I make feels lost with no direction My faith is shaking but I gotta keep trying Gotta keep my head held high... While pregnant with Hope I first heard that song, I knew you were saying to me that I had to have faith. I could see the dream of having Hope alive in my arms, but was so scared it wouldn't happen. I cried everytime i heard that song because it said exactly what i was feeling. When I listened to it today, I cried tears of joy because baby you made that dream happen for mommy. No matter how loud that voice was screaming that Hope wouldn't make it- you shut it up and calmed me. She is here and I have no doubt that you carried her here in your angel wings and gently placed her into my arms living and looking into my eyes. Oh but baby girl, the one thing you can not do is bring you to me. I'm sorry that I'm so selfish to still be begging for you. I look at you still and can't believe that you will never be in my arms again. I tried so hard to have a joyful Thanksgiving without you. I tried but holding back the tears brought the anger and frustration. i had to leave and go to take you flowers. You calmed me and daddy, and we apologized to each other. You gave us a new reason to be thankful this year. She doesn't take away the pain, but we all smile and are so thankful to have her.I took pictures of your sweet gift(Hope) and she is so cute and sweet and she makes my days brighter. I want to live the way i envisioned it to be with her here. I think i do mostly. i want to honor you by loving and cherishing her. You try so hard to make me happy. I just can't handle the constant struggle to be happy. It is never complete. I hate it. Every day I look at you -some days I smile and hold back the tears- some days I just cry -some days I cry and smile too-I always look to you and say thanks. i'm trying to settle into what I know will be my forever. Last year after losing you- it was all about getting Hope here safely, so this year feels like my first holiday without you because it is not foggy or confusing- it is a harsh reality. i have a full sense of you not being here. I was writing our Christmas list. As I listed the kids I put you fourth-your special place. You will always be fourth,but to the world Hope looks fourth. Well, I will teach her what to say to the knownothings of this world. As i was making the list I hated to once again list momento items for you. i want so much to be buying you a new toy. Lots of toys. 15 months you would be, but instead it is 15 months without you. Instead of happily saying my baby is -months, i will forever be saying - months without my baby Faith. I will cry tonight as tomorrow approaches(the 1st), the day of the month you passed. Each month as it approaches my heart gets so heavy and i replay what I was doing. The week will be hard, but you as usual will lift me up to live for you and your brother and sisters. I am so thankful that I have Hope. I love and miss you so much. You have given us the best present ever. We have laughter in the house again. Grace takes her big sister role to you and Hope so seriously. She will keep you alive. i catch her whispering to Hope about baby Faith and how you are an angel and how she is our gift from you. I have no doubt that you will never be forgotten. Hold me close tonight baby girl.

Love times two

November 2, 2009
I have been so down. I know the weather, time change,and other things that go along with this time of year that even brings "normal" people down has a lot to do with it. I lost Faith in Sept- just as the happiness of Summer comes to an end. It starts getting dreary with leaves falling off the trees and days getting shorter and nights getting colder. Right now I wake up every morning with that feeling of my heart in my gut. Reality snatches it out and crushes it. Tomorrow it will be the 14th month without my sweet angel. Yet my mind is reliving it as if it were yesterday. One big difference from last year is that I'm no longer crippled by my grief. I might feel the same feelings, but I can face them head on. I allow them to do what they want with me.Those feelings are not in control. I am. I am so sad, yet I am so proud that I can say that I am in control. I can't control when grief wants to attack,but I am in control of dealing with it. Last year I didn't know what to do with any emotion. Now if I'm down I give myself time to feel sad, mad, vulnerable...I think that means I am doing good. For now I will accept this feeling of control because I like We all know how quickly grief can knock you to your knees. But for some reason I feel a sense of power like i will overcome whatever it sends my way. I still hate it with a passion. It's still not fair. BUT it will not defeat me.

This all comes from me thinking about all that I'm missing with Faith. Then I realized while I'm consumed with these thoughts, memories that can be made with my living children are being missed. My pain is horrible like all that have lost,but I have the blessing of living children. That does not protect me from yearning for my Faith or lessen my heartache, but it is still a blessing that I must appreciate for my sake, theirs,Faith's and yours that do not have the comfort of a living child's hugs and kisses.I hate they know this pain, but I am blessed that they are here. So when I was so sad the other day wishing and yearning for Faith-I thought right now in this moment of sadness Nash, Krista, Grace, and Hope are all doing something that I can appreciate in honor of Faith. They are living. They might be screaming at each other, crying, laughing, dancing,or just being, but they are doing something that Faith wants me to enjoy. I believe that she wants me to enjoy them and love them times two. I'll never have a twelve year old Faith here with me, but I have a twelve year old Nash here that needs me, an eight year old Krista, a four year old Grace, and a four month old Hope. I will love every moment with them as if it is a moment with Faith. I put her on a pedestal. Before I act I will try to treat them as if they are Faith. That might be bad because they might not ever get in trouble again.;)I will enjoy Nash's teenage attitude, Krista's drama, Grace's stubborness, and Hope's sweetness. I will love all their hugs and kisses as if they are also Faith's hugs and kisses.Losing Faith had already made me appreciate them more, but realizing that I should see Faith in them has put a whole new perspective on things. When I look at Faith's picture I see pieces of them in her. They embody her. She is a part of all of us and we should appreciate that in each other.She is here living in her mother, father, brother, and sisters.When I love them, I will love them for them and for Faith. i will always yearn for Faith, miss her, love her and have days when grief tries real hard to kick my ass, but for her in honor of her I will fight to live not just be.So there grief- I'm learning to live after a stillbirth.

Faith I want you to be proud of me. That is my life goal. Since I lost you, the important things in life become even more clear than they already were. I knew before you were gone that your brother and sisters were the most important, but life sometimes got in the way of that. Not now, baby. Love you- Love you- Love you...

October 30, 2009

I'm just so sick of the pain. The feeling like my chest is caving in from the pain of not having you. I love you and want you so bad Faith. You are so precious-you should be here. I hate this time of year. I wake up every morning and feel just like I did last year. I wake up and realize you are gone and my heart will ache for you always.

A sign from Faith

October 15, 2009
I'm in Awe right now. The last few days I've really been down missing Faith. This morning Grace was drawing a picture of a heart with angel wings to show she can draw like Krista. She said see I put specks on it too. We thought nothing of it until now. We had to go to Target for a few things and I saw a shirt that said Faith on it. I had to buy it for the girls. When we got home I had Grace try it on. She was so proud to have a shirt with her sister's name on it. I said let me see what else is on the shirt because I only saw Faith and bought it. I looked at it- Faith's name is written on a heart with angel wings that has specks of glitter on it. How beautiful is that. I know you're are with me Faith, but I love the signs proving that you are all around us baby girl.

Sorrow looks back, worry looks around, Faith looks up

October 9, 2009
Just a little update on Hope and my pychosis. Everytime I think that I am doing fine and enjoying Hope, I find worry and my mind spirals out of control. I become convinced that somehow she will be taken from me. I need to avoid the internet. Simple symptoms can be symptoms of serious things. I convinced myself that Hope has cystic fibrosis. It all stems from that crazy pediatrician saying that she thought Hope needed to be tested for downs when she had no symptoms of it. She was very tired and calm after birth so that concerned her. Then Hope was slow at gaining weight, which is the first flag for CF. Even though now she gains the right amount, I still can't relax. Today, I took her to the drs because I knew that Dr Anagnos would calm me down. She is so mellow. She said that she thought that because I was so stressed that it affected my milk supply at the beginning and that Hope checked out beautifully. She did say that the only definitive answer would be testing for it. I can't bring myself to do the test. I am so paranoid that it would somehow be false. I am trying to go with her not being concerned. I am trying to let go and enjoy my baby. So many friends are yearning to have another. I just can't seem to relax. I feel in my heart that Faith wouldn't send my gift just to have me return her. I for some reason can't let my guard down in fear that something will happen. After the appt we went to the store to get the kids some clothes. When we were getting out of the car, I said to Kevin I just need to have faith in Faith, God, and in Hope. She is a little fighter. I said that Faith handpicked her so I should feel safe that she will protect her. We went inside and straight to the baby clothes. I looked up at a little Carter's outfit that had cute little flowers on it and it said "HANDPICKED." I can't help but smile. My poor angel and poor little Hope. Faith constantly tries to assure me that everything will be ok. Hope is so good. She is the perfect baby. Of course, I don't put her down long enough for her to be any different, but she is so sweet. She sleeps at night. I hope I can let go of this and learn to savor the moment because the moments are flying by. I want to enjoy her times two. Every breath, every smile, every cry, I want to enjoy for her and for Faith. Thank you my angel for your constant love. You are in my every thought. Love

13 months without you

October 3, 2009
We all went to lunch, and as I was holding Hope I was watching a one year old baby boy sitting in his hi-chair across from us. I wanted so badly to pull his hi-chair over to our table ,and it be you sitting there with us, eating your wagon wheels or cereal with sweet potatoes. Who knows you could be like Krista that yelled at us for a slice of pizza at 6 months. lol Faith it is moments like those that make my deep wounds split wide open. Baby girl as much as those times hurt me, I have to focus on what you have done for me by sending your little sister here. She is so precious. Right after you passed, i signed up for your picture to be retouched by a place online. I had forgotten I did that until a few days ago when your two pictures came in the mail. You look even more beautiful. I was holding Hope, while i looked and cried over them. I glanced down at your little sister, and she stared up at your picture and smiled. I find so much peace knowing that you sent her and she knows you. I just can't believe it's been so long without you. That your little sister is 12 weeks. Time goes by so fast. A year later I still ache, mourn, yearn, and beg for you to be here, but it also brings me the desire to live for you too-To do things that will make you proud. I can no longer sit and watch life pass me by. i can no longer allow people in my life to watch life pass them by. I hope I'm not putting too much pressure on your brother and sisters. I hope that by asking them to put forth a little more effort in what they do in your honor will make them strong and loving people. Nash had to write a paper and daddy was left in charge to oversee him. Well, you know how that went. There was no way he would be allowed to hand that paper in, and Nash knew that. Mommy gave him a long speach last night about you not being here and how he could do so much with the gifts that God has given him. I'm sure you're happy that you are spared from my I know I am very winded, but I hope at least half of what I say sticks. I know that they are young and need to be kids, but they are special because they have you. I want so much for them to make a difference and feel like they lived life to its fullest. If I need to back off, just let me know. Help daddy lighten up a bit. It makes mommy so mad that he lets the little things bother him so much. I say- "STOP COMPLAINING!" Could you say that to him somehow then maybe he would get it. He is so disappointed in himself. Help him make changes. Help me be patient with him while he tries. I know I sometimes have to high of expectations for people. Oh, one more request- PLEASE help me have patience with Mema. I know she can't hear or see, but my patience is so thin with her.She can't hear and will argue over a conversation she can't even hear. She used sand paper on my oven racks. Am I crazy for getting a little upset? She uses all of the clorox to clean out the outside garbage can. She collected all of the hickory nuts in the yard- put them in the planter on the porch and wonders why we have squirrels on the porch! lol i know these are petty things,but she does things like that daily. I swear we should have a reality show. I feel like i live in an insane asylum. I love you baby girl. Mommy will write(complain) again soon. until then you are in my every thought.

What do I do with all this stuff?

September 20, 2009
I like to keep things to remember special times like birthdays and holidays. I do this for myself, but mostly for my kids. My mom did the same for me. She kept cards I made for her, drawings from school, pictures from special times,etc. I love getting them out and being brought back to that time as a child and seeing what i was like. I keep a lot of things for my kids more than my mom did because what it has meant to me being able to have my childhood memorabilia. Many times in the last year without Faith at the end of a special occasion I will for a moment think i need to keep this because Faith will enjoy having it when she is older or has kids of her own. No matter how many times i remind myself that she is gone, I always find myslef doing stuff like that. After her birthday, I put away an envelope that a butterfly was in that even says In memory of Georgianna Faith- I still thought Faith will like to have this. I took pictures of her cake because I want my kids to be able to see what birthdays are like at different ages and what I did for them. I'm left with the question- who am I saving this stuff for? i know the immediate answer is me. For me to look back at each miserable year without her. i want to be positive by saying to remember each celebration in her memory, but right now I'm just sad about it not being for her to remember her life- for her kids to see what she was like. For one that might be artistic like her. Would she have been artistic? Krista loves seeing that I was good at drawing because she likes art so much. Nash loves seeing all my A's in math because he is also good in math. They like seeing and i like seeing how we are the same. Who was Faith going to be like which of her kids would have been like her? I know that when I get to be with her I will get to have the life I missed with her, but what about the life she missed. I know she will never want or hurt, but maybe I want her to want. No mother wants their child to hurt. I have hurt and it has made me who I am. I want her to be able to get to that place in life where you look back and see your accomplishments and are proud of how you got to where you are.It has gradually been getting to me more and more the last few weeks since her birthday. It just hurts but I guess I'm thankful she doesn't understand the hurt I'm feeling. She doesn't know what she is missing.I'm proud of myself that I made that day a day of celebration. Her life needs to be celebrated not just mourned. The mourning is for me for my heartache. She is happy and I was not going to be a party pooper on my daughters 1st birthday. I can only imagine the fun she was having with all her friends in heaven. I hate when the grief rolls in. After a year it is very sneaky and malicious. It never gives you warning other than a constant feeling of frustation leading to its takeover. It likes to come and go now. It presents itself in the little things. Like Kevin calling the kids to our room to talk about what family movie to watch. He calls-Nash, Krista,Grace as I'm holding Hope. As he is calling I lightly say "and Faith" wishing it could be true. An outsider looking in would think look at that beautiful family. She is so blessed, and i am. So many little blessings I have, but I am not complete.I will never be complete without the one missing. My heart aches for you my baby girl. I fight everyday to live for your pride in me and my pride in you. I want to be completely happy just because i have four beautiful living children, but there is forever a big but -someone can never be completely happy with one missing.

A little angry rant!!

September 14, 2009
Just a little no a lot pissed. It started when it was announced that the Duggar lady is having her 19th. What the crap? Now, I have respect for people that love children and are bringing life into this world. She is on her 19th and never a loss. I hate having that feeling let alone write it. As I think it and write it I'm praying this baby is born screaming. I am just having an angry day without Faith here. I look over on my bedside table at her picture in the new frame I got for her. It says Mommy's Angel- it's yellow with yellow butterflies on it. I know that she led me to it. I just think of moms that have never lost going into the same baby store and seeing the same frame and saying AWW this is so cute. They are the old me, so i know what they are thinking. Buying baby stuff is so sweet and fun not terrifying like it was for me when buying for Hope or my friends that are still waiting to have their babies. Buying stuff felt like a jinx like I was setting myself up for another fall. These women don't know that there are women like us that buy a frame that says Mommy's Angel becaause we have a real angel. Those things started my anger. The worst was when i was stupid enough to watch 16 and pregnant. I guess I wanted to see if I was "normal" because I have Hope,but I as you all know or will know having another doesn't get rid of the pain that we will always have from living a life without our angels. We will gain new happiness and new pain, but they will all be separate from our loss.

So now back to the 16 and pregnant-

This girl I admire because she was placing her baby girl up for adoption. Something I could never have the strength to do, but something I am so thankful for. Without adoption i would not have my brother or sister. Even before losing Faith, I have cried many times for my brothers birthmother because he refuses to find her. I think of a woman dreaming of what her son has become. What he looks like. How he laughs. Does he have her smile or her eyes. i used to think of this not knowing that one day not by choice i would be doing the same wondering about my daughter. Not knowing my wondering would be worse than what I was crying over for a stranger because at least she knows that my brother has life. Well, back to the show-the part that tore me up was of course the birth. She and the boyfriend were covering their eyes and asking when the nurses were going to take the baby girl away because they couldn't listen to her cry. The cry was making their decision too hard. That moment threw me back into the delivery room with Faith. The cry that i was begging for was the very cry that made them cringe. i remember looking at the most beautiful baby that Kevin and I have ever created with our love. I am thrown back into that room with all the smells and silence. i can smell your little head. I want to kiss that button nose so bad. Open your eyes-please let this be a nightmare. I wanted to be able to remember everything knowing that my memories would fade. I am so thankful for her and what her little life has blessed my life with. BUT damn I miss her so much.

What am i feeling?

September 11, 2009
Lost for words again. I'm so excited for all my DS friends that are expecting. Still praying for the ones still in the game. Hoping for a touchdown. I feel the grief but can't address it. This worries me that i might crash hard soon. Life hasn't given me time to deal with it. I don't miss dealing with it, but I have the constant ache or lump in my throat feeling. Even when I truly feel happy, it's there.I just look at Hope who is already 2 months old. Time flies with every child but i especially don't want it to this time. She is my gift from Faith. i don't want to focus on the grief. It takes away from living. But it is part of my living, so it can't be ignored the way i want. This shit is so confusing. Our lives- our minds are so confusing. It's hard to know if what we are feeling is normal if we are on track. Is it always one step forward two steps back?If we are feeling good, is that ignoring the grief?Then no one wants us to acknowledge our loss. They want us to be happy and forget. That doesn't help knowing what to feel.No one brought Faith up before Hope, and they certainly don't now. I posted on facebook the pic where Tamberly wrote "Hope flies on the wings of Faith" in the sand. A nonDS friend commented Wow- you are so blessed. Now coming from one of you guys that would be acceptable. But coming from a nonDSer it irritates me. Will it always be that way? I am blessed so much, but feel cheated too.

I feel like everything is a distraction from my feelings. My biggest fear is that when Hope is no longer a baby that's when the worst part of the grief will fall upon me. i know that mothers have a hard time when children leave the nest. How hard will it be when ours do?i know I'm jumping too far ahead and that i need to live in the moment. Lately I feel like I'm thinking too much and can't focus on one thought or feeling. I just want to be able to enjoy like i use to. I always told Kevin to not worry and to have faith and to believe that everything will be ok. Now i find myself worrying. Losing a child makes you see beyond the surface. Superficial is so unimportant to us. Losing a child also makes you a worrier. Hope is my fifth. I have three other living children, yet i was in a panic for her to get shots yesterday. I have always been a germ phob, but had gotten over it while pregnant with Faith. i said i would not let fear rule my life. Now I am consumed with the fear that Hope can still be taken. So fear, grief, worry does not leave even when you are happy. Boy that's grim. i might feel that now but i will fight it always. I will not accept that they will always consume me. I am happy to even feel happiness tainted with these things. i have hope that the happiness will overshadow them one day. until then I push forward. Faith this is the mother you have made me. You make me strong and proud. You are a super angel little one. i might be scared but because of you i know i will make it. Love you sweet butterfly.

My sweet Faith Happy 1st birthday

September 3, 2009
Hi my baby. today is coming to an end and things are calming down around here. We were running around today for your birthday. I hope you and your buddies enjoyed watching the balloons. I hope you liked your butterflies- twelve for each month without you. Those little suckers were quick not like the ones you send. We didn't get any pictures of them flying. After the balloon release we came home without you and lit the candles on your beautiful cake. We began to sing happy birthday, and i had been okay all day until then. My little girl named Faith wasn't sitting in a hi-chair ready to smear cake everywhere. Mommy lost it then. i stopped myself. i know I need to let the sad feelings out, but I will save that for the day after. Today and tonight i want to celebrate you- i don't want to be your party pooper. I hope you are having a grand time with Jesus. i hope you are eating some cake. I love you and miss you so much. Before I start writing about how sad i am without you I will go for now. Love always beautiful angel.

Balloon and butterfly release

September 3, 2009
Today has been a good day. I wrote all the babies names on strips of paper. We finished and realized that we had to get them into the balloons. Time consuming but it worked. I was really proud of Krista and Grace. They colored little pictures for each baby on the strips of paper. I was watching them so happy asking about each baby. Krista had Silas' name and I said he sends dragonflies to his mommy. She drew a dragonfly for him. So sweet. I had Krista draw Sam a pink hippo from Hope, Pia. Grace had Nicholas' and I told her about his big sister Mikayla(hope i sp that right) hoping for a chance to have a baby bro/sis. She said she would pray for one. She said she's my friend. She started coloring on his paper and messed up. She started crying. i said it's ok the angels think all their pictures are pretty. For friends that are pregnant I asked your angels to keep your babies safe. For those of you ttc, i asked them to send you a little gift. I took pictures of all the strips of paper and I will post them. I hope I got the dates correct. I had to look up a bunch of you guys that I'm close to that didn't see the post in time, so if I talk to you often you will find your babies name on the pics. I also wrote all the names on one piece of paper in case i left someone out.Some of the balloons(babies) were stubborn and wouldn't fly away. We had a few extra balloons and helium with us and tried again. They finally flew away. Kevin joked that it was like getting a hundred kids to do the same thing at once.;) The ones we couldn't do at her grave we did at home, which is ok because this is Faith's home. I'm so happy Faith had so many friends to celebrate her 1st birthday. Thank you for all the hugs and Happy Birthdays. I hope that my special requests for some of you come true. We will see.:) I have to go for now. When things calm down here and in-laws leave i will be able to let the feelings out. Love you guys. Faith your birthday journal will be tonight. I love you sweet girl.

Birthday plans

September 2, 2009
Faith I'm so excited to celebrate you tomorrow. I feel like I'm finally doing something for you. You have given mommy so much. You inspire me to be a better person. You leaving crushed my world, but your love has rebuilt it piece by piece. I still feel incomplete without you, but the warmth of your love gives me enough energy to keep going. I do everything now because of you. I live because you would want me to. I mother your brother and sisters because you want me to. I like your daddy because you want me to. lol Yesterday when he was trying to bother me( in a joking way) and I was yelling at him out of nowhere in the middle of traffic there came the butterfly from you. I know you want me to be a little easier on him. I try, but my God when do they grow up? ;) Your daddy and i will be okay. Sadly, you leaving opened our eyes to the importance of our love surviving. It was a love that was smothered by so much insignificant things. We let this world pollute it. You my angel stripped us back to the layer of our love that we began with. Don't get me wrong he annoys the crap out of me, but that's also what i love. We are that old couple that Fr. Mckenna talks about- the one that can be so hateful to each other but you better not dare talk about one of them because they will come back fighting. We are each others rock. I'm his And he is my comfort. He holds me up. Okay sweetie I can't be any nicer in case daddy reads this because he will use it in his favor forever. :)

Now on to your birthday. Many ladies have done balloon releases. When I first joined DS I read of someone doing it I said that will definitely be part of your birthday. It made me think of one of Nash's favorite books named Where do Balloons Go? I think I should read that tonight to them. I ordered your cake. I hope you think it's beautiful. It has as many yellow butterflies as they could fit on the cake and your sweet name and birthday. We couldn't think of something to say, so we put Forever remembered, Always Cherished. I kinda wish I had put daddy's saying- Hope flies on the wings of Faith.i hope that you have one just like it in heaven with all your friends. I looked up most of my friends angels names to put in the balloons. If I missed one of your friends please guide their mommy to leave me their name. Who knows you might be friends with a mommy I don't know yet. I'm so happy that we were able to get the butterflies to release. I envisioned hundreds of butterflies to send to you, as many as I have received from you, but they cost too much. Then I thought why not just twelve little butterflies representing each month we have been without you. Maybe next year 24. If I continue that tradition, I don't know what we will do when you are like 30. So baby girl I'm can't wait to do these things for you. I know that for the very first time I will be crying while I sing Happy Birthday. I long for you always. Never stop saying hello. I do need one thing from you. I need you to let me know what 9:11 means. Daddy saw this time almost daily when he looked at the clock when i was pregnant with you. I was scared you were going to be premature- funny how i thought that could be the worst thing that could happen. We saw it all during Hope's pregnancy and even now. I use to think it was something we started to look for, but it happens even when we don't think about it. It gives me an uneasy feeling. I made Hope's 2 month check at her last one. i said she could give me whatever appt around her 2month. Hope was crying, so when I got in the car I looked at the date. It was 9/11. Now I'm scared to get all those shots that day. Should mommy reschedule? I wish something wonderful would happen on that day. Please send me peace. Mommy loves you. I'll try to be happy for you tomorrow. Your little gift stares at your picture all the time. Thank you. Love

I know you were with me

August 31, 2009
Faith mommy is sitting here listening to your CD. The songs have carried me through this year. This time I'm holding your gift to us. Our sweet Hope. She is sleeping soundly in my arms. Who knew that such sad songs would be her lullabies. It is s strange to be holding a baby in my arms the very day a year later that you went away. My worst day and best day.The best because you graced our lives and the worst because you couldn't stay. We said hello at the same time we said goodbye. The first song daddy and I found was called Smallest Wingless. It says- Sadness is just love wasted without a heart to place inside. I miss you so much. One of my favorite songs to you is playing Will You Remember Me by Sarah Mclaughlin. Will you? I hope my beliefs are true. The lyrics-I'm so tired but I can't sleep standing on the edge of something much too deep. It's funny how we feel so much but cannot say a word Though we are screaming inside... Clinging to a past that doesn't let me choose. Faith mommy and every mommy here is screaming inside and no one hears. Pray for us. Thank you for leading me to this support group.Strangely the CD has a song that was popular during my pregnancy that I would turn up as loud as I could and sing with your sisters-Tattoo. I never really listened to the words until it came on the radio after you flew away sweet girl. You're still a part of everything I do You're on my heart just like a tattoo. No matter what they say about love I keep coming back for more. No matter what they say about life I learn everytime i bleed. The truth is a stranger my soul is in danger...If I live every moment won't change any moment it still a part of me and you- I will never regret you- still the memory of you marks everything I do. Those are my pity party songs. Crying seems nothing like it use to. It use to heal my broken heart. I would let every tear flow and feel such peace. Whatever the problem a good cry seemed to fix it. Not now Faith. The crying is neverending and does not fix this gaping hole you left. All i hav eleft is hope that my beliefs are true that though my faith might be tested I will spend eternity with you. That when I am hopefully old and have met my grandchildren that I will come to mother you the way i dream of. I can only imagine and pray and hope and have Faith.

Tonight is a little different. i know you had something to do with that. Daddy got to come home early from his trip. I am not alone.Thank you. i know that I will wake often and remember begging you to move. I hope that replaying these days will bring some healing and that even though your birthdays will always have sadness i hope they will become something to celebrate. Because Faith the gift that you are outweighs the loss. Holding you I've held everything.

I'm going to go baby and listen to the song that lifts me up. Footprints in the sand.

I promise you I'm always there when you heart is filled with sorrow and despair I'll carry you when you need a friend you'll find my footprints in the sand.

I can feel you my butterfly. I know you are there. That's what will carry me. I hope it's not too late to order your cake. Do your magic. Love

Faith's 1st birthday is coming

August 16, 2009
On Sept 3rd Faith will be turning one. I hope to think of something special to celebrate. I wanted to do a butterfly release, but I found through researching that apparantly people like to do that for weddings, so now like everthing for weddings it is expensive. I know I will have a cake made for her at our favorite bakery. I will have her #1 shaped cake to put on her grave. The other day my girls were running around chasing each other. I was sitting in my bed and they ran past. For a brief moment I had a flash of seeing Faith sitting in front of me as a one year old watching them run past and she was laughing and watching with pride. I'm sure that these kind of moments will happen at every important stage I miss with her. I can never see her face during these moments. I want to see it change.

On Sept 6th last year Faith was buried. It's the day before my mom's birthday. Needless to say she didn't have much to celebrate last year. This year we have Hope. I've decided to have Hope baptized on Sept 6th. I have struggled over this. Did I want to take away from Faith's day by having Hope's celebration on the same day? Did I want Hope's celebration clouded by such a sad day? Well, I think I need to celebrate Faith by making it into a happy day, and thank her for sending Hope. Besides it will be a full circle moment in a way. It represents from death to life for me. Faith doesn't want me to stay focused on her death. I know she wants our family to celebrate Hope's life. I will celebrate them both.

Also, while doing some research I found that not only is there a National Pregnancy and Infant loss Remembrance Day(Oct 15th), but there is a National Stillbirth Remembrance Day on Sept 6th. didn't know last year that the day I buried Faith is Stillbirth Remembrance Day. I will be lighting a candle for Faith and for all our angels this year.

Next month will be hectic and emotional. I feel its heaviness approaching. I'm going to face it head on. I hope to not fall down. If I do, I know Faith that you will pick mommy up.I love everything you represent little one.

Feeling good and blessed

August 14, 2009
I was talking to Kevin after my last entry. I told him how good I felt after writing. i knew that a lot of my sadness was compounded with the fact that I couldn't find the words to express my feelings. I have to say that today is a good day. I am so blessed to have you guys in my life. Of course, I'd rather hve something else in common like scrapbooking. lol Before today, I could look at Hope and feel joy, pride, and love. BUT it was dulled with the sadness of not having Faith. Today, I have felt true happiness with her. I think the fog might be lifting. I know that I will forever miss Faith- want Faith. I love her so much and would do anything to have her,knowing that is not possible makes this so much harder to deal with. Today it hit me how close her birthday is. (Sept. 3rd)I have dreaded it approaching. Then I realized I will be planning Hope's baptism. How beautiful is that- to be blessed to have a new life to celebrate exactly a year after the worst time in my life. It's crazy to feel so blessed after feeling so damned. This is what I wished for after losing Faith, and i have been blessed with it. I knew having Hope would not change anything but add. It would not change the bad, but make it bearable. It would add a future of Hope. Thank you all for bringing me back. Love you guys.


August 12, 2009
I have been in a fog. I have always had "baby blues" to some degree. I thought that I might be immune to them after going through something as hard as losing Faith. I guess I was wrong.I've been trying to sort through all the emotions and thoughts to best explain what I'm feeling after having Hope. Like I've said before, there are moments of elation and moments of sadness. I love Hope so much, but fear that she will be taken at any moment. That is one feeling that I didn't ever think of when I imagined how it would be. I knew that I would have the grief along with joy. I only thought that the sad feelings would be about Faith and that only feelings of joy would go along with my experience with Hope. I was wrong. I thought that after I had her I would be over the fear of losing her. When that dr said she wanted her tested for downs fear crept in and has not left. Then she wasn't gaining weight so i feared she had some horrible disease. Her dr assured me that she is ok. Will I always be looking for something to be wrong with her? I hope and pray not. I want to enjoy her every breath. I'm hoping that she will start to grow chunkier and I will be convinced that she is ok. The fear is taking away from my precious beginning with her. I hate this. That brings me to the grief, which I'm sure plays a huge roll in my feelings. I've realized that as much as we think we are working through every emotion that it gives us; when we are ttc or pregnant, we can't address our grief fully. At least that is true for me. When ttc I was focused on the goal of being pregnant. When pregnant, I could only think about getting Hope here safely. I thought i was dealing with my grief because i was crying, journaling, talking, etc. I think I must have been dealing with just the surface- with what was spilling over. I hope I'm making sense. I don't want to be discouraging. I just want to put everything out there for my friends so that there aren't any unexpected feelings for them. We all feel different at different times, but for the most part we end up having the same feelings sooner or later. Now that Hope is here hormones, lack of sleep and grief are all stirring in the same pot. I can say that grief with joy added does make it easier because I am holding this precious gift in my arms named Hope. She does give me Hope that I will be ok. Having her also makes it all so real that Faith is never going to be in my arms again. Before Hope, Faith was the present. Now she is part of the past. That makes me so sad. I know I carry her with me, but not having any physical sense of her makes it so real and so far away. I hope that the craziness of these emotions will settle down and the joy will outweigh the sadness. I look at Faith and dream of what should of been. I look at Hope and see a future. Please don't be scared of having another child because of what I wrote. It is all so worth it. I just didn't think that I would be this crazy once Hope came. lol I'm sure that the emotions will have to calm and of course the grief will forever remain, but I have this sweet gift to cherish and love. Thank you Faith. You remain in our hearts, thoughts, and in the gift you sent to us.

11 months ago was the last time you were alive inside of me

August 1, 2009
Faith, my sweet protector, where has the time gone? I don't want to remember that last day, today. I want to remember everything good. I want to only remember the things about us when I was "normal" and expecting my fourth baby. That is impossible. All the happiness of my time with you makes me cry because there will never be more. I loved when people asked me if this was my first. I loved their reaction when I said fourth. Now I dread responding to that. It never gets easier. I remember finally deciding on your beautiful name. You were being named after your grandma and great grandma. Mema was so proud, but said that her name(Georgia) wasn't pretty enough for you. Georgianna Faith- I loved it. It represented my love for two strong and beautiful women in my life. You were to carry that on. Who knew just how much strength you would be to me- to our whole family. You have become our safety, our gaurdian angel. I just wanted a daughter. One day I wanted to yell the name Faith across a crowded park and see a little girl look my way. I wanted to hang your name on your bedroom wall. I wanted to be able to call the names Krista, Grace, and Faith and see my three beauties running towards me. When I introduce you as my daughter, I wish there was a child standing by my side smiling back at people instead of a picture of my angel baby in my hand. I always told daddy that I couldn't imagine yelling the name Faith in anger. I will never say your name in anger. Now I wish I could have the chance to get angry at something you've done. Faith I want you to know that my sadness is not because of you, but what I'm missing out on with you. I'm proud to call you my daughter. I'm so thankful to have been given the privilege to carry you in my womb- to call you my daughter. I'll never understand why you are not here.I will always smile and cry when I think of you. I'm sorry that I can't stop being sad because i know that you want me to be happy. I promise that I will strive to be as happy as I can. I'm fighting real hard for that right now. Next month with be so hard sweet girl. Your 1st birthday should be only happy. I want to try to make it a happy day for your brother and sisters. I want them to learn to celebrate you instead of just grieving you. I don't know how I can teach something I can't do. Grace still has such a hard time.When she gets hurt, she lets her pain out. She fell down two days ago and came to me crying. Baby Hope was in her swing. Grace looked over at her and said, "Mommy can we please call baby Hope baby Faith?" I said that wouldn't be fair for Faith or Hope. I said Baby Hope is our gift from our angel Faith. I said that you are always with us and you are always her sister too. She said I know I just want her to be real. Faith, I know that your presence is so real. BUT your four year old sister summed it up for all of us. We want to feel your breath, hear your heartbeat, and feel your arms around us. What I wouldn't do to have a kiss. My heart and love are with you and yours with me for eternity. Keep close to me, I need your strength. Love always, Mommy

July 24, 2009

I'm so happy yet so full of sadness. How can someone feel two extremes at the same time? I have journaled every step of my pregnancy with Hope. It ended with the joy I hoped for- my baby living in my arms sent by my beautiful angel. I knew that all sorts of emotions would rush in after I had her. I have been thinking all week about if I wanted to journal about the feelings I'm having. I didn't want to come off as not being appreciative for my sweet little blessing. I came to the conclusion that i had to write about these feelings because they are part of this journey. It doesn't end with a living baby in your arms and the pain erased. I never thought it would erase the pain of not having Faith here, but hoped for some happiness to help me through. Hope is so wonderful and sweet. i find myself missing Faith even more. This is so strange. I have times when I'm enjoying Hope and then i remember my reality. I hate that no matter how happy we become we will always come back to our reality. I hold Hope and smile, then I look over at the picture of Faith's sweet face and sink into my sadness again. I feel guilty for still yearning so badly for her, when I have Hope in my arms. People just want me to be normal again because I have been blessed again. They will never know or understand that having a new little girl doesn't replace the little girl I lost. I do hope that Faith sent a piece of her with Hope when she chose her. I'm scared that Faith will leave me now because Hope is here. I haven't seen many signs from her lately. Please don't go Faith.

Hope is one week old

July 15, 2009
The days crept towards her arrival and just as I knew once she arrived the time has flown by. I can't express completely how I feel. I can't get enough of her. It's as if I'm trying to absorb everything of her and what I missed with Faith. I look at her and only want to feel the elation I have for having her in my life.The want for Faith will always be in my heart. It hurts. We went to Faith's grave to take one of Hope's balloons and "It's a girl cigar." It felt good, but leaving killed me. I know that Faith is always with me- God knows after going through my pregnancy that I know she is my strength.But leaving the grave reminded me that I will always be leaving one of my girls behind. I will always feel her in every special family moment, but she will never be in any photos looking back at me with her own special smile. I talk to Hope about Faith all the time and the other day she smiled- I know that she knows who came before her.Iguess with all the hormones, relief that she is here, and missing Faith that my mind is everywhere. What a journey! I can't wait for all of you to exprience these emotions. Having Hope definitely makes the heartache a little less piercing. All my heartache for Faith floods in, but I can look at Hope and know how special she is to have been kissed and chosen by my angel. Every child is a gift and chosen for us, but Hope came from Faith. So no matter how sad i get, it ends with a smile of gratitude.The trick is being able to balance the joy and grief. I assume that will be a forever process.

Such a beautiful day

Well, I have been joking about Hope making her own plans. I thought wouldn't it be neat if I went into labor on my own. I have always been induced UNTIL this time. :))) It felt so amazing to know that I wasn't going to be given pitocin. Hope decided that she would make it happen. WE had Faith's picture on our bedside table. I felt her there with us the whole time. IT was an amazing day filled with joy. It has been a rollercoaster of emotions wanting Faith and being blessed with Hope at the same time. Everyone that came into our room commented on the pictures. Sherry made some of Hope, so we had one out and also our favorite of Faith. Everyone thought they were the same baby. It brought joy to my heart to be able to proudly talk about Faith and explain that those are two different children. One is our angel and the other our gift from her. The best part of it all was being able to see smiles and tears of joy coming from our kids. Thank you guys for walking with me through this pregnancy. I hope to be doing the same for all of you. We all deserve hope for our future. God Bless!!


I arrived at the hospital at 3:00 pm on tues. The dr started the cervix rippening medicine at 6:30 pm. I was already 3 cm then. Well, that's all it took. I had her at 4:21 am. They were going to start pitocin at 5 am. I guess I was ready to push for about an hour before they realized it because my little bug was so bruised and swollen from being so low for so long. She came out gulping amniotic fluid, so she had to stay in nursery for 7 hrs before they brought her to me. Talk about torture. Well, that was just the beginning of the fear. Because she had such a quick and rough delivery she was very sluggish. Kevin stayed with her in the nursery. The pediatrician on call for mine came in to check her out.Kevin said thank God she is here ok and we don't have to worry anymore. He commented on her being sluggish and asked the dr if anything could be wrong with her. She said she would go with him to talk to me. While the women( I will not refer to her as a dr anymore because she doesn't deserve it!) was talking to me I could tell that she was leading up to something big. She said because of Hope's tone that she needed to be tested for downs even though she didn't have any of the physical markers. It would not matter to me if Hope had downs or not, but you do not give that kind of label unless you have reason to back it up. I went into total shock and could not deal with coming down from such an emotional pregnancy and birth just to be thrown into this fear. She called my pediatrician to come take a look herself. Our dr said that when she saw Hope she would not even have downs enter her mind. I said me too, but after what I've been through it's hard for me to trust. Why would a dr do that and sit there and cry with me about it? I could choke that woman. You don't do that to people. She knew what we had been through to get to this joyous day. Then she brings something like that up. I really don't even know how to describe the horror of what she did. She admitted that Hope showed no indication of having downs except for being sluggish. Hello, she was ready to be pushed out for over an hour and she had the cord around her neck once. Of course she would be sluggish. SO that's why we have been able to update. WE have been waiting on test results for something we knew was negative, but couldn't get out of our head until we had results. Luckly our dr knows the head geneticist in our area and he came to look her over and get results in 24 hrs rather than the usual week.He laughed that there was ever a question. He said that he studies downs babies everyday and she shows no signs what so ever. We are finally home and all so happy. Our house has a new addition and she has brought so much joy to us. Thank you guys for your patience and your ongoing support.

Hope is here!!

July 8, 2009

Cynthia Hope born 7/08/09.
7lbs. 6oz. 19in. 4:21am.

My baby girl is 10 months old today

July 3, 2009
The days without you have been going by so fast. Each day there is something that brings me to that day. That day was the worst in my life. I never thought that I would say that about one of my children's birthdays. The silence replaced the joy of welcoming a new and perfect little addition to our family. That you were-perfect. Tears of sadness welcomed you and I hate that. We miss you so much. You and Grace would be playing so much by now. I remember Krista so excited for Grace to come, and then always asking when is she going to do something. Now Grace would feel so important because you would make her feel like a rockstar. Nash and Krista ignore her a lot. She gets so frustrated trying to be included. She is so headstrong and knows that her opinion matters, but they just won't listen.;) I know you listen sweet girl. i just wish she could see how you do think she is a rockstar. I can imagine your eyes lighting up when she enters a room. A few days ago, I was so upset your baby sister wasn't coming yet. You know because of the fear she'll leave too. Grace saw me crying and came to give me monkey hugs. She said I really want baby Hope's name to be baby Faith. She has waited 19 months to be a big sister. Hopefully she will be holding Hope in her arms soon. It will be a wonderful day for us all. BUT baby girl we all wish we could see you hold your baby sister. Grace misses you so much. Right now the family dynamic is each of them being annoyed by one another. lol I know that when i'm journaling about your first birthday I will be talking about how by then you would be getting into Grace's toys and she would be leaving you out. I would love to have you go through all the changes with them. I would love to see how your personality fits in. Would there be screaming matches between you and Grace because you are headstrong like mommy too? Or would you be an angel on earth too and try to calm Grace. Would you be daddy's girl? Would he finally have one that takes his side? Probably not because he gets so tickled at all of us gaining up on him. I know for sure you would completely have his heart. he carries his "Faith stone" everywhere. You know this is special because he loses or breaks everything. he gets so concerned when he leaves it at home. Why can't you just be here?I want you to be a part of this crazy life with us. Now I talk to you and have a bond with you that most mothers never have with a child. Our bond is stronger than any bond I'll ever have with my living children. But I don't want it. I want to have a normal mother daughter bond with you. I want to tell you like I tell Grace- NO you can't wear a bathing suit to the store. I want to be able to have joy with you. I want to yell at you when you do something wrong. Although i told Kevin I can't imagine yelling the name Faith in anger. Well, i never will because you will forever be our safekeeper -our guiding light- in this messed up world. i wish I could feel all the love you pour over us everyday. I feel your love, but i know that love from an angel is greater than I can ever imagine it to be. One day, I'm hoping a long time from now for your brother and sisters sake, I will feel every ounce of that love rush over me when we meet again. Until then I will forever miss you- my heart will always ache- I will always feel pride to call you mine. My heart will cry and smile for you forever. You are my hero. Your are my little girl. I want to hold you. You're time in my arms didn't last long enough. Your memory lasts forever. Mommy loves you sweet cheeks.