Tuesday, August 3, 2010
March 7, 2010
Faith, I'm sorry I haven't written your 18 month journal until now. It was a very hard week for mommy in so may ways. A lot of feelings were trying to surface that i try to steer clear from. I think that is my mountain right now- not wanting to completely feel. I feel like if I stand still and actually think I will die inside, so I am constantly doing something to keep my mind off of what it means for you to be gone. I do stop and cry. The other night I got in the car and drove for a good hour and just cried as I listened to your songs. I updated your CD, which went from 16 songs to 37. I guess that was enough to bring anyone down. haha I have to do that sometimes though or I will explode. There aren't many times that I have time or let myself just feel. At the beginning, when I read about finding ways to help you cry when you can't find the tears, I thought how will I ever need help to cry over you. Now I know. I try so hard to not break down that when I actually feel the need to cry I have to be alone and listen to music that makes me think of you. At the beginning it was so hard for me to rebound from one of those crying sessions. Now throughout the crying for you I struggle with the part of me that wants you and misses you and the part that is totally thankful for what you have done for me. The blessings you have given me bring me out of the darkness to a place where I can look around and see the beauty that still remains in this world. Beauty that once seemed to have died with you. Mommy has always been a dreamer and someone that stopped to smell the roses. You leaving made me feel like the world was gray. Your blessings are bringing color back to my world. They don't kill the ache, but they make me get up everyday and appreciate the blessings that were mine before you left. I am able to parent your brother and sisters because I know that you light my way. I know that every sign from you every blessing from you is really you saying Mommy LIVE. LIVE But then there are times I find myself unknowingly in places that I went to while pregnant with you and I flashback without warning. Mommy and Daddy went to eat at a mexican restaurant that was new when I was pregnant with you. Daddy was out of town and never got to try it. We went last week, and it hit me full force. We were sitting across from where i sat with the kids with you in my big "torpedo" belly.(that is what we nicknamed my belly) The emotions of how I use to be came flooding in. I wanted to jump back in time to be able to feel like that again. I guess your blessings will be what picks me up when I fall into darkness like that. I have come to terms with the fact that this is my life. I will always struggle with working for happiness-that it will not fall into my lap like it seems to for some. Like Mommy's 2nd mom said," We all have our cross to bear in life." Mommy has the blessing of being able to "see" all the beauty that life has to offer without the unimportant things getting in the way like it does for some. You have blessed mommy in so many ways. Tomorrow your sweet gift is 8 months old. WOW-she is growing too fast. I'm happy to see her growing, but I wish i could watch her in slow motion. lol Thank you for always picking mommy up when I'm down. Your love- your spirit is bright in my life. Keep shining brightly in our world baby girl. I will never stop missing what could have been, but you will carry me through this life until we meet again. Love.
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