June 3, 2009
This week has been a little weird. Faith passed on labor day last year(Sept 1st). I went in on tues the 2nd to be given the worst news life can hit you with. On wed the 3rd I had my precious angel in my arms the first and last time. I guess this week seems strange because the dates have coincided. What really scared me was that yesterday I was going to lunch with a friend, and had nothing to wear. Unknowingly i picked out the maternity outfit i wore on that tues when I learned Faith was gone. I promised myself I wouldn't wear that outfit this time. Then we went to lunch at Jim n Nicks, which was where we ate the week before I found out Faith was gone. I remember that meal so well. I was in heaven- I don't know why because unless pregnant with Faith I hate BBQ. Anyway, I had ordered a little bit of everything and my friend was just watching and laughing. We were talking about bringing Faith with us the next time we came. These last few days have felt like I'm reliving it all over, but I haven't been able to cry. It's like I'm in shock. It's as if I'm someone else looking in. I randomly look at the clock and remember how I felt at that exact moment. Last night I remembered trying to sleep knowing that I would have my baby the next day and wishing and pretending that maybe they were wrong about her being gone. I remember trying to ignore my stomach. I remember waking up to Kevin not sleeping. We would turn our emotions on and off. I remember saying God only lets in a little at a time so you can handle it. i just keep having these flashes, but i keep stopping them. Maybe it's me not letting the thoughts stay in my head long enough to feel. Maybe it's the fact that I can't believe it's been 9 months. Writing this journal is making the feelings come- I realize I am trying to stop them. I don't want to feel. I miss you baby girl!!!!!!!!Love you forever.
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