I visited Faith's grave alone

June 11, 2009
I have never been to Faith's grave alone. I even try to avoid going with my husband. Somehow that has become his "job". He goes before he flies. To him it makes him feel good and safe before trips. For me, I like to focus on our spiritual connection at home. When i go to the grave I want her body out. To me the focus there is completely on her death not her living on with us. I know that everywhere I go, she's there.I was talking to her all the way there saying Faith I coming, but I don't want to. i want you here. I don't want to visit a grave. I got there and as always i stay focused on cleaning, so I don't have to think. Then I was finished and just sat and cried. Thanking her for being my little angel. Thanking her for sending us Hope. I told her I had to go that I couldn't stay. After putting fresh flowers in her vase, I realized i left the water in the van. When i got back and was pouring the water in, a bug flew up. If you knew me you'd know very well my hatred for insects especially flying ones.;) Except for butterflies. I always say Faith sends them to me. I believe that with all my heart, but sometimes think that it's just my thing that gives me comfort that it's not really from her. well. today that bug was a yellow butterfly that came and sat on top of her flowers. Today i know that Faith was saying hello. It sat for a few seconds and flew away. I know Faith was saying: see mommy i'm where ever you go. i live within you; our souls are one. A mother and daughter can never be separated by death. I'm so proud that i went and had the courage to go alone. i also realize that it's ok to not go there because i've been right all along- i carry her with me in my heart and soul. Just as her death took a part of me with her, a part of her was left to stay with me too. Oh, baby girl. Those cheeks-that nose- and those sweet little toes, I wish those were left with me. I promise I'll try not to focus on what's not here even though i will always ache for them. i will try to focus on you being a part of me and me a part of you.