First Easter

April 13, 2009
I was so rushed in the morning getting ready for church that the sadness didn't hit until after. We bought beautiful roses for my sweet girl and were taking them after church. All through church that's what I thought of. I rarely go to the cemetery. That is Kevin's thing. He goes before every flight and takes flowers, so I feel like she is well taken care of with his visits. I guess that is my way of excusing myself from going. I hate going there. As much as living everyday without her is reality enough that I don't and won't have her, the cemetary still seems so final to me. We got there and I lost it- of course. I'm a clean freak and Kevin had put her stuffed animals in the dirt. All i could think of was that I would never let her play with those dirty things. Weeds were growing all around. The guilt set in. I'm her mommy and i don't come and take care of her things. I know that she has everything she will ever need, and those things don't really matter. They are for us -for us to feel connected, but I've neglected her grave. Dads don't think of cleaning and weeding. After cleaning I looked at my girls in their pretty white dresses, and it killed me that Faith isn't in a matching one. She should be with us in her matching dress on Easter visiting a grandparent or someone that lived a long beautiful life here. Instead I'm visiting my daughter that never lived a day here in my arms.

Thankfully we were invited to a friends for Easter dinner. The kids had an egg hunt. I feel free around them. I can talk about Faith freely. That's a great feeling to have- knowing that in their eyes she will always be included. It was all happy and sad watching the kids play. She has five. I will have five if I'm blessed with Hope's safe arrival, but Faith's presence will always be felt not seen. That hurts so bad. When we were leaving, Evelyn, my second mom gave me a hug. She held the tears the best she could and said "You do know that everything's going to be ok don't you?" I lost it and couldn't speak. When I got the crying under control- I said if you say so I know it will. I wish you all could know her. She is so angelic. Have you ever met someone that you just know is so connected to God? She is so peaceful and positive.
As sad as the day was I tried to focus on the good of the day. I had moments of being very moody and rude. I stopped myself and stole a hug from Kevin, who gets the worst of my moodiness. I cried and he said let's have fun for the kids that's what Faith would want. At the end of the day I have to always come back to that. My kids need me. Faith wants more than anything for her brother and sisters to be happy. so I have to do that for her and them. God Bless. He is risen. Rejoice.