Last days with Faith

June 18, 2009
I'm 35 wks today. Sitting and thinking about my last days with Faith.

Kevin and I have been together since I was 15, and we married when I was 22. We have grown up together. We had a miscarriage right before we got married. I felt so empty. i wanted nothing more than to be pregnant again, but I agreed to wait until we had our wedding the following summer. I became pregnant immediatly with my little man, Nash. Life was beautiful.We have always struggled financially, but i didn't care. It bothered Kevin more because of the provider instinct men have. I knew i wanted more kids, but I didn't want to take away from my little man. When he turned three, i decided i was ready. Here comes Krista. My carefree, loving, full of life little girl. Nash has always been silly but has a very serious side. Krista justs wants to enjoy every moment. I thought I was content with two, until Krista turned three. Once again we quickly became pregnant with my little Grace. She is Nash's twin in a cute little girl body. It baffles me how much they are alike. So here's Krista stuck in between two very head strong siblings. Bless her heart. She is sneaky like her daddy, so she knows how to get under their skin.She can hold her own. I still felt the desire to even out the dynamics of the house. Give Krista a chance to have someone similar to her. Also to give Grace the big sister role. That leads to Faith. Oh, my sweet Faith. I could tell from the beginning that she had the personality to just go with the flow. No matter how busy i was, she just went along for the ride and waited for bedtime to have her fun. I could tell she was going to be a lot like Krista.

Well, that weekend before she left us i was so excited that my BIL was coming to put my new floors in. Everything was finally falling into place. Kevin and i were no longer struggling financially. We didn't have much to spare, but we weren't wondering how we would get by like we did at the beginning of our marriage. We could actually save to get new floors. Now,I think of how excited I was for floors, and I think how silly. I'm a little crazy about germs. With new floors, I felt like Faith would be coming home to a clean house. Now I would keep that old nasty, dusty, dirty carpet for eternity, if i could have Faith. She would be almost 10 months old, i would love to see her roll around in that yucky carpet.

Last night i was thinking back to that weekend. I was the old me. The "normal" pregnant woman cleaning. Taking care of company, while my nesting list was being completed. I missed out on my last days with her. Why isn't there some warning? I would have rubbed my belly a little more. I could have taken a nice long bath to have a quiet talk with my daughter. I would have thanked her for being such a sweet little girl. I would have noticed her fading away. I would have begged her to stay. I would have begged God. I would have ripped the floor out. I would have torn down the walls we built for her. All these things to make a "perfect" home for our new arrival are stiil here, and the reason they were made is gone.

I should have known that she was too perfect for this world, but i would have tried to make this world perfect for her.

Now the weekend is approaching. I'm 35 weeks pregnant with a new little girl. I won't be cleaning, putting in new floors, building walls, or entertaining company. I will be begging God to let her stay. I will be rubbing my belly and talking with my daughter. Telling her how special she is and no matter if she looks into my eyes or is born sleeping that she too will always be cherished and loved. Believe me I will mostly be begging her to stay.