March 20, 2009
Last night I as usual wasn't sleeping that well. I felt the baby moving frantically. I got up and listened to the heartbeat. It was normal, but I couldn't shake the anxiety. The movement felt the same as the last time i remember feeling Faith move. I went for another ultrasound, and Hope looked good but has moved from head down to head up. I can't get it out of my head that there could be a knot in the cord. I try to calm myself by thinking that I have never been able to watch my babies so closely with so many ultrasounds. i'm sure it's normal for them at 22 wks to flip around. It just terrifies me that I can't monitor the cord. This is so scary. My little Grace is becoming more and more attached to baby Hope. I know that losing another child would do me in, but the thought of what it would do to my children terrifies me even more. The next 15 wks or so are going to be slow, if I can't somehow learn to calm myself. I try to envision us all crying happily and holding our little Hope with all my friends and family by our side. I want a huge party for Hope in the delivery room. I can see Grace finally getting to hold a baby sister in her arms. I can see the pride on her face. The prideful look she lost the day I had to tell her that her baby Faith wasn't coming home from the hospital with me. My poor little girl looked so confused. I can sense her anxiety about Hope when she asks how much longer. I can't breathe at times, I talk to Faith and Hope. I beg Faith to teach Hope not to do whatever causes a cord knot. This is so hard. Trying to let my faith and hope in God guide me. Praying for a happy outcome in July. Until then I have to try to stay sane.
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