There is never a warning

January 11, 2009
The only difference from the beginning seems to be that as time goes on there's never a warning of when you will break down. At the beginning you just know that you are broken. You are always crying. Time tricks you into thinking that you are doing ok. Then when you least expect it, bam the tears. Something triggers it without warning. Today i mustered up the courage to go to family mass. I thought look at me i'm here and I'm fine. I didn't break down when they started singing Jesus Loves Me. (the lamb that came with flowers for Faith's funeral plays that song) Then the moment came that would break me. Krista said "Mom do hear a baby crying?" I said no. Then she said "I cover my ears when i hear them cry because it makes me sad." It was right before communion, so I proudfully held back the tears. After communion, I thought i could calmly say something to her. i didn't want to cry because one I was at church and wanted to seem as if i was doing ok. I knew some people would be wondering because we haven't seen them that often since Faith died. And two I just wanted to comfort my daughter without crying because i didn't want her to feel like she or her feelings made me ciry. I said that she should be happy when she hears babies cry. She looked up with those brown eyes and said why. I said that their crying is the sound of new life. Then i lost it. New life- we should have the sound of new life with us. WE should be trying to quiet those sounds in church. Well those sounds are forever quieted for Faith. I wish you were here baby girl forever loud with crying and laughter. You're not and that breaks me. I hate you time. You keep moving on and on without caring that i'm not ready to move on. I wish that you would rewind to the day i felt my baby move and stay there. We were all so happy awaiting our new baby. Grace was all smiles that Faith was coming and she would officially be BIG. How can time move on when the life we should be living is left behind?