June 6, 2009
They don't know what to say. They speak and i want to slap them. I know they are damned if they do and if they don't with me, but I don't feel sorry for them. Their life goes on unaffected. They get to live their superficial lives only caring about everyday meaningless crap. I know everyone has their struggles in life, but none compare to ours. Therefore, i can't seem to tolerate the smallest things. Yesterday, my husband had to go to his work's main office. He's popular with the ladies. lol You know the guy that really listens and talks to everyone. Whatever!lol Well, there is this girl that's due in August. He asked her how she is feeling. She of course started the list of pregnant women complaints blah blah blah. She asked how i was. He said well since I only took a month off and have pretty much been pregnant as long as an elephant that I'm pretty much done. I don't complain because this was my choice. Even if i waited I feel like I wouldn't care about all the aches and pains because the fear of not actually getting to bring her home is my biggest concern. She then asked about my due date. He said it's July 22nd, but I'm having an amnio early. She said OMG I had one. She said does she know it hurts worse than labor. No shit! Really? Could people for one moment think about our experience before they open their mouth. I would have said the pain is not worse than the eternal pain of losing my daughter. People are just unbelievable. They don't think. It's so frustrating. If I hear one more time that everthing is going to be ok this time, I'll scream. Oh, Kevin said that I don't care about the pain after losing Faith. She said did you find out what happened. he said yes a knot in her cord. She said well you know how rare that is and how unlikely it would happen again. I'm so glad- she better be glad I wasn't there. Well, miss know everything, it was rare when it happened before. So what does that do for me? I feel like making an instruction sheet on what to say and what not to say, and handing it out to everyone we have to have a conversation with. My father in law, who has always gotten on my nerves, but I love him to death. He has been so sweet checking on me, but he says the most well intentioned stupid things. He told me that it's going to be ok this time because the appts are going good. I speak honestly with him. I always knock down what he says. I told him that everything was good last time too. I hate to seem so mean, I'm just so over people not taking the one moment to put themselves in our shoes before they speak. i really think that is all it would take because the one second that they allowed themselves to picture one of their kids dying would be too much to bare.
I hate how everyone thinks I'm past Faith because I'm pregnant. i have to say that's the worst part of being pregnant again. I know for them it makes talking to me easier because they can focus on something besides my loss. For instance, after losing Faith a few people at church would say we are praying for you. Then there were the ones that give you that heartfelt "I'm sorry smile" or "poor you" smile. Other than that they avoided at all cost. Now it's- How's the pregnancy? When's your due date? i know that our society wants to avoid death at all cost. Especially when it's a child. It doesn't make it any easier for us. Don't we have enough of a burden. If I made a list of all the stupid comments made to me- you know I need to do that. Maybe that would be a good release.Anyway, I hope i can learn to ignore them and have tolerance for them because I know that they are living a life full of blissful ignorance. I'm just jealous. I know that as much as we hurt we are the blessed ones because we see life the way we are meant to see it- with an appreciation for everything it gives and takes.BUT I would love to be the one ignorant with Faith. Thanks for listening to more of my rambling.
No comments:
Post a Comment