Thanking our church community

February 8, 2009
Today at church I wanted to share our good news about being pregnant and to thank everyone for their prayers. I especially wanted to thank our priest for the inspiring words he said to me in the hospital. Grieve, but do not grieve without Hope. Those words have been the driving force to keep me going in this hell. I of course am the emotional one and asked Kevin to read my letter I had written. He didn't want to, but all these circumstances that were happening seem to be God saying this is the right time. DO IT! When we lost Faith i promised her and God that my Faith woud not be destroyed. We would give her siblings a good life. We said that we had to share our story someday so that people can see that through trying times you can still have faith, and He will see you through. Church was packed, the readings were about Job, just so much was screaming share your experience. So we shared this and said that we are pregnant and her name is Hope. I felt so much joy hearing how happy they are for us. The joy was overwhelming, but this grief thing likes to overshadow things. It was like feeling full elation with a sudden crash of guilt, sadness, and a feeling of not being able to feel. I went from being so happy to so sad I couldn't cry. I thought that i was going to have a truthfully full day of joy. I came home drained and fell asleep. i woke up still so sad and frustrated and finally thankfully the tears came. I never thought there would be a day I would be happy to be able to cry. Crying releases so much pressure. I just feel so much i can't explain. Missing Faith, wanting to celebrate Hope- I guess the two are so opposite that it overwhelms my mind. i want to celebrate Faith into our family with Hope, but I know I wouldn't have Hope without losing Faith. that just sucks. Who has to give up a child to know another. This child would never be without her death, and I'm suppose find joy in this. That brings so much guilt. If i celebrate Hope, then I'm celebrating Faith's death. I'm so thankful for this blessing. Why does it have to have sadness attached to happiness? i know i'm not making much sense, I'm so frustrated that i can't find the words. Faith,thanks for giving Daddy the strength to tell our story. I love you so much and my heart is full of your sweet love and yet so empty without you here with me. Keep your brother ad sisters safe. Hold your baby sister, Hope, in your hands until she can be safe in mommy's arms.