Birthday plans

September 2, 2009
Faith I'm so excited to celebrate you tomorrow. I feel like I'm finally doing something for you. You have given mommy so much. You inspire me to be a better person. You leaving crushed my world, but your love has rebuilt it piece by piece. I still feel incomplete without you, but the warmth of your love gives me enough energy to keep going. I do everything now because of you. I live because you would want me to. I mother your brother and sisters because you want me to. I like your daddy because you want me to. lol Yesterday when he was trying to bother me( in a joking way) and I was yelling at him out of nowhere in the middle of traffic there came the butterfly from you. I know you want me to be a little easier on him. I try, but my God when do they grow up? ;) Your daddy and i will be okay. Sadly, you leaving opened our eyes to the importance of our love surviving. It was a love that was smothered by so much insignificant things. We let this world pollute it. You my angel stripped us back to the layer of our love that we began with. Don't get me wrong he annoys the crap out of me, but that's also what i love. We are that old couple that Fr. Mckenna talks about- the one that can be so hateful to each other but you better not dare talk about one of them because they will come back fighting. We are each others rock. I'm his brain.lol And he is my comfort. He holds me up. Okay sweetie I can't be any nicer in case daddy reads this because he will use it in his favor forever. :)

Now on to your birthday. Many ladies have done balloon releases. When I first joined DS I read of someone doing it I said that will definitely be part of your birthday. It made me think of one of Nash's favorite books named Where do Balloons Go? I think I should read that tonight to them. I ordered your cake. I hope you think it's beautiful. It has as many yellow butterflies as they could fit on the cake and your sweet name and birthday. We couldn't think of something to say, so we put Forever remembered, Always Cherished. I kinda wish I had put daddy's saying- Hope flies on the wings of Faith.i hope that you have one just like it in heaven with all your friends. I looked up most of my friends angels names to put in the balloons. If I missed one of your friends please guide their mommy to leave me their name. Who knows you might be friends with a mommy I don't know yet. I'm so happy that we were able to get the butterflies to release. I envisioned hundreds of butterflies to send to you, as many as I have received from you, but they cost too much. Then I thought why not just twelve little butterflies representing each month we have been without you. Maybe next year 24. If I continue that tradition, I don't know what we will do when you are like 30. So baby girl I'm can't wait to do these things for you. I know that for the very first time I will be crying while I sing Happy Birthday. I long for you always. Never stop saying hello. I do need one thing from you. I need you to let me know what 9:11 means. Daddy saw this time almost daily when he looked at the clock when i was pregnant with you. I was scared you were going to be premature- funny how i thought that could be the worst thing that could happen. We saw it all during Hope's pregnancy and even now. I use to think it was something we started to look for, but it happens even when we don't think about it. It gives me an uneasy feeling. I made Hope's 2 month check at her last one. i said she could give me whatever appt around her 2month. Hope was crying, so when I got in the car I looked at the date. It was 9/11. Now I'm scared to get all those shots that day. Should mommy reschedule? I wish something wonderful would happen on that day. Please send me peace. Mommy loves you. I'll try to be happy for you tomorrow. Your little gift stares at your picture all the time. Thank you. Love