Faith, these last few days have been hard. Each month that goes by without you I feel like the hole in my heart for you gets deeper, but somehow I am getting stronger in this world. I still find that I fall hard on days like today, but all of your gifts pull me out of that dark place. It is you baby girl, you have made me stronger. Losing you didn't do it like some think. All that you have given me has made me who I am. The death of you broke me, and you rebuilt me. I was very down the last few days, so I made myself revisit my old journals. I needed to see and feel those old emotions to realize that I am doing good. Yes, I will always crash sometimes because the reality of living without one of your children in this world would make anyone crash. Many times I still feel the same as I did in that journal.Although, my life is forever missing a very important part of it because you are gone, I am finding the comfort I need in you. You amaze me in so many ways. I love you and miss you so very much. Hope truly does fly on the wings of Faith. xoxoxo
February 3, 2009
Where is my 5 month old?
Why aren't you here? The pain overshadows everything in my life. Nothing is truly happiness without you. Five months has past. How can this be? I can imagine your laugh -your smile- the crinkle in your nose. I miss your sweet face. How would it have changed? It will never change. I don't want to imagine you- I want you. No one understands. No one wants to understand my pain. I want someone to care. Some want me to be me. Others look at me like I'm broken. The rest don't know of you, I'm just another person. You were here- now you're gone. Why do I have to live in a world that isn't changed after losing you? With people that want me to pretend like I'm happy. With people that want to treat me like I'm not hurt. I hate this world that remains the same without you. I'm swirling in my pain- they all pass me by. I can't ever let you go; I'm sorry beautiful angel. I love you. I miss you. I want you. I will forever yearn for the impossible. This is my life. It will never be full.
That is where we were, Faith. I have to be thankful for where we are now.
No comments:
Post a Comment