Grieving and Expecting

November 17, 2008
Being pregnant again is such a blessing. It's so weird too. I have had a miscarriage before, but after having three children in a row, it wasn't a concern for me. Now after losing Faith so late into my pregnancy,I don't have a safe zone. I got my What o Expect when You're Expecting book out and starting at the beginning which felt so bizarre. I knew that all the new emotions added to the grief would be difficult. I'm happy with my decision to get pregnant soon. I can only explain my feelings as the closest I'll ever be to insane. The happiness one minute and anxiety the next. Thanking God for the chance and still yearning for Faith. Planning for a new life like i just did when pregnant with Faith. These are probably all the reasons behind drs telling you to wait. With all these emotions, there is that glimmer of HOPE. That little light of HOPE overshadows all the negative. My main concern now is miscarriage. I know that if I'm blessed to make it through the 1st trimester, I will have new worries. I know that this will be the bravest thing I've ever done. The hardest is learning to live life without my lil Faith here to share. If I make it to the end of this pregnancy holding a new beautiful life in my arms, then this insanity of grieving and expecting at the same time will be for something besides healing. It will be for moving forward into life not being in idle with just my grief. I love you my sweet Faith. There is not a thought that does not have you in it or behind it. You are always with me.