June 4, 2010

It has been 21 months, and I miss you so much. As you know Mommy has her up and down days, but you always give me the strength to stand up and live. i was doing pretty good coming out of my last slump, and then it happened. On Sunday, a friend's husband from church announced that she would be delivering on Tuesday by scheduled c-section and that her birthday would be the following week, so she wouldn't be coming. Most of the time normal pregnant women get on my nerves, but Julie never did. i could see in her eyes the appreciation and excitement. We were never close, mommy never liked sticking around to mingle at church since you went away. She and Agmed always looked Mommy and Daddy in the eyes with sincere sympathy. I could tell that somehow they knew without knowing that you never get over losing a child. when he announced their baby's pending arrival and Julie's birthday, I thought their life sounds so perfect please don't let it be ruined. I actually felt something drawing me to them on Sunday. I wanted so badly to tell her to do kickcounts and not to ignore her instincts. Daddy and i stuck around because the man that is a lawyer and is running for a House seat was there. He had told our friend Jodie that he would love to help us in our fight for a CBRS, and I wanted to take him up on his offer. In hindsight, we weren't compelled to stay for that reason were we baby girl? You and Luke needed your parents to exchange words even if they are words that haunt Daddy. He told them the forbidden words in our world, Congrats,early... He feels so bad for saying those words. As we were leaving i stopped in the parking lot and asked Daddy if I should go back and at least tell her to do kickcounts. We stood there for a second and said no we don't want to scare her. Although logically,I feel like i couldn't have stopped her from losing, in my heart I wonder could the meeting have been devine intervention from you in hopes that her baby could stay here with his family. I want to believe that Luke was already with you in heaven and you two wanted us to have some kind of meeting before the worst day of their lives happened leading to them needing us for guidance. i still can't help but wonder if i could have stopped it...Well, of course when something difficult happens your Daddy is out of town. i am thinking i need to get me a traveling career to be able to escape. ;) I got a phone call from Marie, it was so surreal listening to her message. Before she even said it I was thinking, please don't let her say that couple lost their baby, but she did. Baby girl i fell to my knees and i was back to the day you left. i have been there since. I went and sat with Julie and tried to give her as much comfort and guidance as I could and would have wanted for myself. I found it hard not to ramble of all to come, but i had to pull back because I can't tell her that you think it is bad but the game has just begun. i want to stay with her and guide her and prevent her from having to hurt as bad as it hurts, but i can't save her from reality. Looking at Julie and Agmed, I saw mommy and Daddy. they were laughing one minute and sobbing the next. You think it is the worst you can feel, but it is no where close. She had to have a c-section, so although she didn't have the agonizing hours of waiting to meet Luke like i did with you, she has a long recovery to remind her of what has been robbed from her. My heart aches for their little Anna who is seven and has been waiting for a baby brother or sister for a long time. Julie had a miscarriage last summer after trying for a few years. She was so excited when she got the positive that she told Anna, then miscarried. Like all of us moms she just knew this time Anna would be holding her baby brother so proudly today instead of holding him for a few moments and saying goodbye with the only kiss they will ever share. They asked me about anger and guilt. Of course we all have our bouts with both, but nothing angers me more than knowing you and your siblings will never have a relationship the way they have with each other in person. It is so sweet to listen to them say i love you as they fall asleep, or think of you when they see a butterfly, but there is always the moments when tears will well up in their innocent eyes from just wanting to share some of the dreams they had for you. i hate that another little girl has lost her innocence. I hate that another mommy and daddy know our forever pain. I just hope that we can be their guiding light and that you and little Luke stay close by. I haven't been seeing many butterflies, I need them as a physical sign that you are close, so as your mother I demand you send some to your butterfly garden. ;) You know i did plant it for that reason!! I love you so very much. Help me get out of this funk I have been feeling since I found out about Luke. I can't be feeling sick physically and emotionally, if i am going to be helping them. Thank you for your love my sweet sweet Faith.