My Christmas Angel

December 2, 2008
Last night I forced myself to decorate the house for Christmas. Inside a box of decorations was a poem called "My First Christmas in Heaven". I don't remember having this. I guess maybe someone gave it to my mom, when my aunt or uncle passed away a few years ago. I don't remember ever reading it. My mom doesn't even remember. Well, I cried the rest of the night. Having to put my kids' first Christmas ornaments on the tree was agonizing. I just sat in the rocking chair in Faith's room and cried. I know your happy my angel, but I'm not. I want to see your eyes staring at the lights. I wanted to hold you while your brother and sisters decorated the tree, which would have made me crazy because I couldn't control where they put them. Instead I was paralized with sadness, and watching them decorate and not caring where the ornaments ended up. Things were a little normal. The two bossy ones Nash,11 and Grace,3 were yelling at each other. They are so funny and frustrating at the same time. I really believe they are one in the same. I wonder if you would have been as head strong as them. Or were you going to be like my Krista, always wanting everyone to just be happy. She always cares for everyone. Grace has some of that added to the bossiness. She is such a character. Nash is my little old man. He can be so funny and turn so serious so quickly. I love knowing them inside and out. It hurts so much not knowing you beyond my womb and to only see your angelic face for a short time. I do know that you were always very patient, which none of us really are. No matter how busy I was, you patiently waited for our nightly talks with your sisters. I'm so glad I have those moments to remember. At the same time they make me so sad. They- We were so excited for your arrival. Well, I framed that poem and put it on a table underneath your picture. I have candles lit with angels all around it. I wish I could -whatever- what does it matter?Wishes don't count.