Sorrow looks back, worry looks around, Faith looks up

October 9, 2009
Just a little update on Hope and my pychosis. Everytime I think that I am doing fine and enjoying Hope, I find worry and my mind spirals out of control. I become convinced that somehow she will be taken from me. I need to avoid the internet. Simple symptoms can be symptoms of serious things. I convinced myself that Hope has cystic fibrosis. It all stems from that crazy pediatrician saying that she thought Hope needed to be tested for downs when she had no symptoms of it. She was very tired and calm after birth so that concerned her. Then Hope was slow at gaining weight, which is the first flag for CF. Even though now she gains the right amount, I still can't relax. Today, I took her to the drs because I knew that Dr Anagnos would calm me down. She is so mellow. She said that she thought that because I was so stressed that it affected my milk supply at the beginning and that Hope checked out beautifully. She did say that the only definitive answer would be testing for it. I can't bring myself to do the test. I am so paranoid that it would somehow be false. I am trying to go with her not being concerned. I am trying to let go and enjoy my baby. So many friends are yearning to have another. I just can't seem to relax. I feel in my heart that Faith wouldn't send my gift just to have me return her. I for some reason can't let my guard down in fear that something will happen. After the appt we went to the store to get the kids some clothes. When we were getting out of the car, I said to Kevin I just need to have faith in Faith, God, and in Hope. She is a little fighter. I said that Faith handpicked her so I should feel safe that she will protect her. We went inside and straight to the baby clothes. I looked up at a little Carter's outfit that had cute little flowers on it and it said "HANDPICKED." I can't help but smile. My poor angel and poor little Hope. Faith constantly tries to assure me that everything will be ok. Hope is so good. She is the perfect baby. Of course, I don't put her down long enough for her to be any different, but she is so sweet. She sleeps at night. I hope I can let go of this and learn to savor the moment because the moments are flying by. I want to enjoy her times two. Every breath, every smile, every cry, I want to enjoy for her and for Faith. Thank you my angel for your constant love. You are in my every thought. Love