January 7, 2009
I'm finally there-twelve weeks. I'm so afraid to say it out loud. I don't feel safe, but being twelve weeks I feel like maybe my body is saying it's safe. Well, we all know that no matter the statistics or how good things seem, there is no real safe. I'm so scared but can't complain. I have so much to be grateful for, and i'm trying not to include the "but" that follows. I want to begin remembering my Faith as she is- a miracle. Even though she is not here- she is not an incomplete miracle because she didn't live. She's my miracle angel. She deserves so much more than to be just grieved. She deserves credit for all the joy she brought to my life during my pregnancy. She gave me a new outlook on life. I lifted the financial fog from my eyes and began to live for my children. When she died a whole new fog has veiled my sight. It's hard to see through it and live for the good. This fog is thicker. I'm trying hard to see the joy the good the blessings. In her memory I think i might be able to do that. i want to give my sweet Faith the credit she deserves for all the blessings and signs she has sent my way to comfort me and help me through this last 4 months. it's not right for me to down play those things by saying it's not good enough because it doesn't bring her back. She and God are trying so hard to pick me up and help me live again. It's so easy to stay down. i want to try to do the hard and get up and live. I truly believe that this baby will help me do that. I know that puts a lot of pressure on an unborn child. It's what this baby symbolizes, HOPE. Thank you Lord and Faith for sending me my new hope. I love you sweet angel always and forever. Love, Mommy
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