Confused

May 20, 2009
My learning to live again after Stillbirth goal has become confusing because I feel like we learn to live two lives after stillbirth. We learn to cope with it. We learn to laugh and smile, when we are crying on the inside. We walk through our daily routines and manage to keep our pain hidden. Is this living again and is this the way it will always be? I know that our really bad days of grief become farther apart because I have seen this with my own grieving process. Even on the "good" days sadness is waiting to emerge. I am thankful as I have always been for my blessings. I see joy that's to come. BUT I do no trust even what seems definite. I know this is where faith comes in. I have faith that's the reason I named my daughter Faith.I have hope that's why I'm naming my daughter Hope. I believe in His love and my not understanding this journey does not lessen my love and faith in Him. I don't believe in or trust this world. I hope and pray that we can all learn to live after stillbirth with His guidance. I've always trusted that no matter how bad it seems God will make it right and i still believe this. I also believed that if you don't get what you want that means He has something better in His plan. This belief has always been proven true in my life. No matter how sad or bad. I never had a dad around, as much as it hurt,i found the positive.If my dad was around then I wouldn't have been as close to my older brother who is a father figure to me. I wouldn't have the life I have or be who i am today without all the good and bad . This positivity with the crap life through at me was easy until losing Faith. I can't see any good in losing her.I can't believe that her passing will lead to something better. So my whole belief system is turned upside down. I can't find the positive. I just want to be able to find the positive again because that was the one part of me i loved. I like being the dreamer and believing in the impossible.I feel like a child that learns that wishes do not come true.Will I ever really live after stillbirth,when I feel so jaded? For now, I think I'm going backwards with this goal.