17 months

February 3, 2009
Faith I miss you so much. I know you were watching Mommy sit and cry as I looked at your picture. Rubbing my finger across your little arm and forehead hoping and wishing that for a moment I could really feel your skin and smell you sweet newborn smell. It doesn't take much to put me back in that moment- the worst and best day of my life. How could meeting an angel not be the best moment ever, yet not be the worst? I am so blessed to have had 9 mos with you growing beautifully inside of me until it was your time to become our guardian. I have often thought- why let me stay pregnant for 9 mos just to have you go away? Now I realize that if you left at 11 weeks like our first, then I wouldn't have enjoyed those ballerina kicks while your sisters danced for you at night. I have often gotten sad that you will not play in the sand on the beach with us, but you did go to the beach. You sat with me while your sister made sand castles. You loved laying in the sun with me. You played in my belly while Grace and I waded in the pool at the water park. You enjoyed all of your favorite foods that you made my favorites. You were with me when I bought your first outfit that you passed on to your sister. You were there when I bought your diaper bag that had slots on the front for your picture. I kept forgetting to get your name put on it. I debated for a long time to put your sister's name on it. I ended up putting both your names on it and a picture of you on the front with hers. People have commented on how beautiful you are-not knowing that you are forever sleeping. You and Mommy got to do so much while you hitched a ride in my belly. While I was crying and caressing your picture I was focusing on all of those things and they brought me sadness because I saw only the lost moments with you instead of focusing on all that I did get to do with you. I logged on to DS to write my journal and saw a beautiful entry written by a very inspiring friend-Tori. I will cry for you tonight because I do miss you so very much, but like always I will get back up and live. I will live for you and do for you in honor of you. Thank you Tori for being the beautiful person that you are.Thank you Faith for always reaching your hand out to me in the dark. I love you very much baby girl. You go back to palying with all you friends. While you are at it, I know, but I have to say it again. I'm your mommy and must nag.;) Tell Sam. Lily, Nicholas, and Tommy to help get their baby bro/sis into their mommys' tummies. Love.