Many faces of grief

June 1, 2009
We are all in different places and times in our grief. Some new, some veterans, and some somewhere in between. We also are women of many different stages in life. Some of us have other children and some lost their first born. There are those of us that are pregnant again and some that have already had their subsequent child(I really need to find a new name for them!), some ttc, some on the fence, some who have lost again, and some with fertility issues. Do any one of us have a greater or lessor grief because of our circumstances-NO. There may be some times when each of us is doing better, but if you take away all the differences we are left with simply a mother that has lost her child. Because I had children before one could say that it's easier for me. Well, imagine looking a twelve year old in the eyes and telling him that his baby sister is dead as he looks at my obviously still pregnant belly. How does that impact his life? How will he deal with his wife while waiting for his child to be born? Imagine an eight year old little girl who loves to be my little "mommy" helper and having to tell her there's not going to be a baby to help with. Then the worst to tell my three year old. She has no understanding of why I can't bring Faith home and why she didn't get to hold her. How will it impact my girls' lives? Will their anxiety and fear be so great that they too won't be able to have a carefree pregnancy?I can only pray and hope not. Then that brings me to those of you that lost your first. You didn't have the burden of telling older children, but that has to be horrible too. I had the burden, but I had my children to hold on to in the worst of times. For me I look at other situations and try to put myself there. I wouldn't say she has it easier because of..... I watch as my friends that joined around the same time as me struggle with getting pregnant and some having a miscarriage. This really makes me sad and feel guilty at the same time. I don't understand why some are getting pregnant and staying pregnant while others struggle. I have to say that is worse because they have added heartache and grief. I pray for you guys everyday. I beg God for you everyday. Does being pregant make my grief easier? Some days yes. Other days it makes it worse. It was a decision I made because I wanted something positive to be happening in my life to dull the grief. It is positive, but it doesn't dull the grief. My heart aches for Faith just as bad as it did.I guess the point of this journal is I'm hoping that even when we think our situation is better or worse that we strip that away and focus on why we are here. we are all here to support one another and have hope that we will move towards a little happiness to go along for the bumpy ride with grief. Remember we are all mommies missing our babies. No matter what is going on in our lives or what we have or don't have- we do all have each other and one thing in commen. I love you guys and I'm always here.Thank you for being here for me.

Now that I'm done with that. Today is my 13th wedding anniversary. It is also 9 mos since Faith passed away.This is the first time that I haven't started to break down during the days approaching. I don't know if that good or not. It kinda makes me sad like I might be getting use to her not being here. Maybe it is good because I feel her around me and guiding me always. She makes me a better person.I've been trying to figure out what God wants from me in all this. Losing a child is life changing. What journey is he preparing me for? Well, I have always been active with wanting to help children. I worked at a non- profit pregnancy center that helped single mothers. My husband and I gave baptism clases at church. I have lots of my own children. All i ever wanted was to be a mom. Children have been a commen denominator in my life, so I guess those things have prepared me to do something for moms that have also lost their babies. One of my first thoughts in the days after losing Faith was to help other moms the way people helped me. if I could somehow take some of that lost feeling away, then I would be happy.I haven't done anything until now because of being pregnant. I couldn't imagine what i would have done if a pregnant woman walked in the room after I had Faith.I've been absent from here the last few days trying to keep positive. Not that I have to be away from you guys to be positive.lol I've been trying to come up with a basket to give to parents of stillbirth at the hospital I had Faith. Our nurse took care of mostly everything-pictures, outfit, footprints, lock of hair,ornament with footprints, walking us through all major decisions like the funeral home,and preparing us on how Faith would look. She was so supportive. God really does send angels to hold our hands through tragedy. When I got home, Kevin and I felt lost without her. We then had to go find books to read for us and our kids. Simple things like having a journal would be nice. You know the whirlwind of confusing emotions. So far I have come up with a butterfly theme basket because as you know they remind me of Faith. In it there will be a butterfly baby journal, rememberance candle, bookmark with poem,card with favorite websites including DS, "seeds of Hope" to plant flowers, a card for awareness on CBRSB certificate and a mock birth certificate,butterfly hankerchief,"empty Cradle Broken Heart", a few of my fav poems, and our story. There is so much more I want to include but it is proving to be expensive. Hopefully, God will show me the way to making it grander in the future. When we lose a baby we don't get all the wonderful and beautiful gifts that go along with the birth of a child. I hope to be able to add things like lotions and bubble bath later on. If you have any suggestions please let me know. I love you Faith I'm not crying, but I'm honoring you sweet angel. Your life will forever be remembered by many. Ok now I'm crying!!!