A little angry rant!!

September 14, 2009
Just a little no a lot pissed. It started when it was announced that the Duggar lady is having her 19th. What the crap? Now, I have respect for people that love children and are bringing life into this world. She is on her 19th and never a loss. I hate having that feeling let alone write it. As I think it and write it I'm praying this baby is born screaming. I am just having an angry day without Faith here. I look over on my bedside table at her picture in the new frame I got for her. It says Mommy's Angel- it's yellow with yellow butterflies on it. I know that she led me to it. I just think of moms that have never lost going into the same baby store and seeing the same frame and saying AWW this is so cute. They are the old me, so i know what they are thinking. Buying baby stuff is so sweet and fun not terrifying like it was for me when buying for Hope or my friends that are still waiting to have their babies. Buying stuff felt like a jinx like I was setting myself up for another fall. These women don't know that there are women like us that buy a frame that says Mommy's Angel becaause we have a real angel. Those things started my anger. The worst was when i was stupid enough to watch 16 and pregnant. I guess I wanted to see if I was "normal" because I have Hope,but I as you all know or will know having another doesn't get rid of the pain that we will always have from living a life without our angels. We will gain new happiness and new pain, but they will all be separate from our loss.



So now back to the 16 and pregnant-

This girl I admire because she was placing her baby girl up for adoption. Something I could never have the strength to do, but something I am so thankful for. Without adoption i would not have my brother or sister. Even before losing Faith, I have cried many times for my brothers birthmother because he refuses to find her. I think of a woman dreaming of what her son has become. What he looks like. How he laughs. Does he have her smile or her eyes. i used to think of this not knowing that one day not by choice i would be doing the same wondering about my daughter. Not knowing my wondering would be worse than what I was crying over for a stranger because at least she knows that my brother has life. Well, back to the show-the part that tore me up was of course the birth. She and the boyfriend were covering their eyes and asking when the nurses were going to take the baby girl away because they couldn't listen to her cry. The cry was making their decision too hard. That moment threw me back into the delivery room with Faith. The cry that i was begging for was the very cry that made them cringe. i remember looking at the most beautiful baby that Kevin and I have ever created with our love. I am thrown back into that room with all the smells and silence. i can smell your little head. I want to kiss that button nose so bad. Open your eyes-please let this be a nightmare. I wanted to be able to remember everything knowing that my memories would fade. I am so thankful for her and what her little life has blessed my life with. BUT damn I miss her so much.