3 months

Wednesday, December 3, 2008
Time zooms by without considering who it's leaving behind. I'm left behind. My pregnancy with Faith was left. My dreams of my new daughter were left. I feel like I'm the last runner in the race and I will never catch up, so why keep running. Well, I guess I've never been the kind of person to give up. I always see hope in the dimmest situations. I've always known my God would walk by my side, carry me, or even drag me if I needed it to survive. I've only had God many times in my life. I thought after the childhood I had that nothing could hurt me. I only ever wanted to be a mom. It hurts that i don't get to mother you Faith. I can't drown you with the love I didn't always get growing up. I can with Nash, Krista, Grace, and hopefully this one. There will always be this void that no one can fill. This place in my heart that is empty is just for you. There will always be the part of me that will yearn to hold you, feed you, kiss you, hug you, love you. No child that came before you and that will come after will ever get all of me. That makes me so sad because all I ever wanted was to be a mother. Now I can't be complete for them. I love my babies so much. I want to be the old me for them- in charge, always planning- their security. I feel so insecure and lost. I know they sense it. How horrible they must feel. Faith I know you want me to be happy, and I try so hard. Please God show me the way to become the complete new me. My kids deserve to have a mommy that smiles more and that isn't just a shell of their mommy. I'm scared of the road ahead but I will take every hill, bump, and turn, if I can learn to live again with a little joy along the way.



Faith you are a part of me -you live forever in my heart.

You will never be forgotten and always cherished.

You are my Faith and your love gives me hope

Love, Mommy