6 weeks without Faith

My heart aches for my kids
Friday, October 17, 2008
I can't take this. I feel like I'm going to explode. I don't have enough room inside of me for all these emotions. I'm frustrated because my kids shouldn't know death. Their innocence has been taken from them. That ticks me off. My three yr old says " Mommy I'm not a big sister anymore." "Mommy I was happy when baby Faith was in your tummy." " I wish I could see her face." When I was pregnant she would jump on the bed, sometimes she would accidently hit my belly. She would stop, kiss my belly, and say" opps sorry baby!" I want to give her those times back. It was all taken from her. I wonder what she is thinking. My 7 yr old writes messages on the fridge for baby Faith. She has written "I love you Faith" , " I'm sorry Mommy", "Faith is ok she's with God." Today she wrote "I want to kill myself so I can see Faith." My heart is dying for Faith and from my kids' sadness. My 11 yr old tries to ignore his feelings by playing video games. I can't take this. I just want my normal life back with all the normal insanity.