I don't even know what to write about. I am in one of those moods where you feel disconnected from everything. I guess I am just tired of keeping up the fight to be happy and positive. I hate the quiet and its stillness. I use to love the quiet. I loved being alone to just think and dream, but now the quiet is a haunting reminder of what isn't. I feel like I have to keep life loud and busy so that I am not reminded of what is missing. I am tired... I just want to be happy without a but. At the beginning of all this, feelings were new and with each journal I felt like it was a release to write those feelings down like I was making progress, but now I feel like... damn that feeling is back again. I feel like I am running in one big circle of emotions and when one leaves I am waiting for it to return and bracing myself for the next to appear. As unpredictable as grief is at sneaking up on you and the not knowing which emotion it will bring; it is also constant and dull and draining.
Faith, I am so sorry that I am not so good at living the life I promised to you. I try so hard, I just can't be strong all the time. The weight is pulling mommy down. I will be looking for your hand in the dark- your next sign of hope to get me through this moment. Please know that I am not tired from being your mommy I am just so tired of being without you here. I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you...
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