I run from hate, I run from prejudice
I run from pessimists, but I run too late
I run my life or is it running me, run from my past
I run too fast or too slow it seems
When lies become the truth
That's when I run to you
This world keeps spinning faster
Into a new disaster so I run to you, I run to you baby
When it all starts coming undone
Baby, you're the only one I run to, I run to you
We run on fumes, your life and mine
Like the sands of time slippin' right on through
And our love's the only truth
That's why I run to you
This world keeps spinning faster
Into a new disaster so I run to you, I run to you baby
When it all starts coming undone
Baby, you're the only one I run to, I run to you
Whoa, oh, I run to you
This world keeps spinning faster
Into a new disaster so I run to you, I run to you baby
When it all starts coming undone
Baby, you're the only one I run to, I run to you, I run to you, yeah
Whoa, oh, I run to you
I run to you girl, whoa
I always run to you
Run to you, run to you
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
When I lost Faith, the nurse asked if she could take some photos of her for us. My first reaction was a sense of confusion. Why? When we think of photos especially of our babies' first photo, we certainly don't think of them being forever sleeping. I don't know how she convinced us to let her, but I am so grateful- indebted to her for giving me the the most priceless possession I have. When you are a mom of an angel, you can't watch them as they race through life accomplishing milestones like their first bath, first smile, first Christmas, first steps, first day of school...All we have is their first and last moment they will ever have on this Earth.
I have to admit I was very guarded with Faith's pictures in the beginning, only sharing them with my closest friends and family. Of course, she looked beautiful to me, but I wondered what they looked like to others. Did they see death or did they see the beauty that I see when I look at them? We find ourselves learning to become a proud mother to an angel- finding the strength and courage to proudly show off our precious children to anyone that will look. The fact is we carry them for 9 months and in the end we have the post pregnancy body, milk flowing, hormones raging, and no reward to show off to the world. We don't have a baby in our arms for people to ooo and ahh over. Where is our proud possession? Where is the proof that we carried this beautiful child for 9 months? Our proof is our pictures. Without them the world would never have to acknowledge that they existed. the truth is the closest of our friends and family won't even say their name. Most of the time the only time our children's names are said is inside their mother's head. BECAUSE we learn quickly within a few months into our grieving that people don't like us to say their name. As mothers we need to hear their names said. We will never call our child's name across a room full of children and have a child turn and answer, "yes, mommy?" We will never have them holding our hand in the store as we see an old friend that will then comment on how much they have grown. ALL we have is their photo to share. ALL we have are the memories of the first and last moments locked inside our heads. The fact is I have to surround myself with Faith's pictures in order to survive this hell life has dealt me. If her photo brings anyone heartache- I am so sorry that you can't see the beauty that I see. If you think me showing her photos is prolonging my "healing" process, sorry to break this to you, but you don't heal from losing a child. You learn to live again with a huge gapping hole in your heart. I was so hurt to find out that what I often think is some people's opinion is true- they think I am strange for posting a pic of my baby girl on FB. A person that I thought was a friend asked a friend why I felt the need to post Faith's picture all the time...She thinks that haivng her picture out would make it harder for me. To me that is her way of saying that she doesn't like the constant reminder of my dead child. Well, hop inside my head for a few hours and take a ride on the grief train...You can't jump off when you are tired of the ride. It takes you where it wants you to go, so posting pictures or not posting pictures will not lessen my pain. It might lessen your discomfort from my constant reminding you of my dead child, but I don't care. Maybe it would help you to learn to appreciate that you don't have the pain of not having one of your children in your life. I can't stand the selfishness of the people in this world. Please, know you are not immune to losing a child. If you lost a child at 5, would I think you were strange for having a picture of them posted- no...It just so happens that I wasn't lucky enough to have Faith living; therefore, I am only blessed with pictures of her forever sleeping. I did not lose a pregnancy, I lost a child. A forever sleeping child that is beautiful, and I will continue to share her with the world.
I have to admit I was very guarded with Faith's pictures in the beginning, only sharing them with my closest friends and family. Of course, she looked beautiful to me, but I wondered what they looked like to others. Did they see death or did they see the beauty that I see when I look at them? We find ourselves learning to become a proud mother to an angel- finding the strength and courage to proudly show off our precious children to anyone that will look. The fact is we carry them for 9 months and in the end we have the post pregnancy body, milk flowing, hormones raging, and no reward to show off to the world. We don't have a baby in our arms for people to ooo and ahh over. Where is our proud possession? Where is the proof that we carried this beautiful child for 9 months? Our proof is our pictures. Without them the world would never have to acknowledge that they existed. the truth is the closest of our friends and family won't even say their name. Most of the time the only time our children's names are said is inside their mother's head. BECAUSE we learn quickly within a few months into our grieving that people don't like us to say their name. As mothers we need to hear their names said. We will never call our child's name across a room full of children and have a child turn and answer, "yes, mommy?" We will never have them holding our hand in the store as we see an old friend that will then comment on how much they have grown. ALL we have is their photo to share. ALL we have are the memories of the first and last moments locked inside our heads. The fact is I have to surround myself with Faith's pictures in order to survive this hell life has dealt me. If her photo brings anyone heartache- I am so sorry that you can't see the beauty that I see. If you think me showing her photos is prolonging my "healing" process, sorry to break this to you, but you don't heal from losing a child. You learn to live again with a huge gapping hole in your heart. I was so hurt to find out that what I often think is some people's opinion is true- they think I am strange for posting a pic of my baby girl on FB. A person that I thought was a friend asked a friend why I felt the need to post Faith's picture all the time...She thinks that haivng her picture out would make it harder for me. To me that is her way of saying that she doesn't like the constant reminder of my dead child. Well, hop inside my head for a few hours and take a ride on the grief train...You can't jump off when you are tired of the ride. It takes you where it wants you to go, so posting pictures or not posting pictures will not lessen my pain. It might lessen your discomfort from my constant reminding you of my dead child, but I don't care. Maybe it would help you to learn to appreciate that you don't have the pain of not having one of your children in your life. I can't stand the selfishness of the people in this world. Please, know you are not immune to losing a child. If you lost a child at 5, would I think you were strange for having a picture of them posted- no...It just so happens that I wasn't lucky enough to have Faith living; therefore, I am only blessed with pictures of her forever sleeping. I did not lose a pregnancy, I lost a child. A forever sleeping child that is beautiful, and I will continue to share her with the world.
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
23 months- we've come so far baby girl
Faith, these last few days have been hard. Each month that goes by without you I feel like the hole in my heart for you gets deeper, but somehow I am getting stronger in this world. I still find that I fall hard on days like today, but all of your gifts pull me out of that dark place. It is you baby girl, you have made me stronger. Losing you didn't do it like some think. All that you have given me has made me who I am. The death of you broke me, and you rebuilt me. I was very down the last few days, so I made myself revisit my old journals. I needed to see and feel those old emotions to realize that I am doing good. Yes, I will always crash sometimes because the reality of living without one of your children in this world would make anyone crash. Many times I still feel the same as I did in that journal.Although, my life is forever missing a very important part of it because you are gone, I am finding the comfort I need in you. You amaze me in so many ways. I love you and miss you so very much. Hope truly does fly on the wings of Faith. xoxoxo
February 3, 2009
Where is my 5 month old?
Why aren't you here? The pain overshadows everything in my life. Nothing is truly happiness without you. Five months has past. How can this be? I can imagine your laugh -your smile- the crinkle in your nose. I miss your sweet face. How would it have changed? It will never change. I don't want to imagine you- I want you. No one understands. No one wants to understand my pain. I want someone to care. Some want me to be me. Others look at me like I'm broken. The rest don't know of you, I'm just another person. You were here- now you're gone. Why do I have to live in a world that isn't changed after losing you? With people that want me to pretend like I'm happy. With people that want to treat me like I'm not hurt. I hate this world that remains the same without you. I'm swirling in my pain- they all pass me by. I can't ever let you go; I'm sorry beautiful angel. I love you. I miss you. I want you. I will forever yearn for the impossible. This is my life. It will never be full.
That is where we were, Faith. I have to be thankful for where we are now.
February 3, 2009
Where is my 5 month old?
Why aren't you here? The pain overshadows everything in my life. Nothing is truly happiness without you. Five months has past. How can this be? I can imagine your laugh -your smile- the crinkle in your nose. I miss your sweet face. How would it have changed? It will never change. I don't want to imagine you- I want you. No one understands. No one wants to understand my pain. I want someone to care. Some want me to be me. Others look at me like I'm broken. The rest don't know of you, I'm just another person. You were here- now you're gone. Why do I have to live in a world that isn't changed after losing you? With people that want me to pretend like I'm happy. With people that want to treat me like I'm not hurt. I hate this world that remains the same without you. I'm swirling in my pain- they all pass me by. I can't ever let you go; I'm sorry beautiful angel. I love you. I miss you. I want you. I will forever yearn for the impossible. This is my life. It will never be full.
That is where we were, Faith. I have to be thankful for where we are now.
June 29, 2010
Well, I have a lot going on. I need to release some of it into words. I have so much to be happy about right now and I am loving it. Of course outside issues have to try to knock me back a few steps. The scare with Grace really had my stomach in knots. I don't know how she went from having every symptom of Appendicitis to having none- completely healed. The dr said that often kids will have their white count go up at the onset of a virus. I knew this, but... I just don't believe that a kid would have a stomach bug that caused their white count to go up to 22, 000, a fever of 102, stomach cramps wothout throwing up or coming out the other end. Then the fact that no one else has gotten it. I thought Nash did but his symptoms have been completely different, sore throat, throwing up... Baby girl I am sure you saw how distraught your Mommy was and had a talk with the head honcho about fixing my Monkey. While watching her get poked at in the hospital and feeling so helpless, I flashed to the night before when I was watching her dance. While she was dancing I was thinking of how she wanted to dance with you so bad. I told her that she had to teach baby Hope how to dance soon. Your gift is already rocking her bootie back and forth when music is playing. Anyway, I started to think what if I will never see my Monkey do her "exotic" moves anymore. You know how she moves. I can't imagine not having her here and never seeing her dance again. Well last night it was so good to sit and watch her shake that bootay again. lol My Monkey, your big sister is one of a kind. Well, all of you are very much individuals. You are my angel, but I know you are a very strong stubborn one since you are my child.
Each month on the 1st-3rd I have a hard time because it marks another month without you. This month baby girl you will be proud that the sadness will at least be delayed. i am sure many tears will be shed as I watch Hope blow out her first candle on her first cake. It has gone by way too fast!!! I want a do over. Anyway, we are having a bug theme for Buggy's party. I am having the cutest dress made for her. I ordered the cake that is the shape of a #1 with flowers and bugs on it.She is here this year so i won't have to freeze this cake because she is late. ;) There will be lots of balloons and a jumping castle. We are having it in the Fourth so we are having a cookout and fireworks. She was supposed to be here last year by the 4th, but Party Girl had plans to hitch a ride with me a bit longer. She can't hide from me this year. :) AND the most most exciting part of the entire celebration is that PIA and ANDREW are coming to celebrate with us. I can't wait for Pia to hold my rainbow in her arms. To Mommy it is like she represents all my DS sisters that cheered on baby Hope to make it here safely. I couldn't have made it through any of this without them and you baby girl. As cheated as I feel without you here to hold, Mommy is starting to feel blessed again- not cursed. Thanks for always leading the way and taking such good care of us all. I am sure some tears will be shed that I won't be able to look into your eyes and see the pride and you see the pride in mine as we watch your gift smash into her first cake. I know that eveything I do you do with me, but I sure wish I just once see you with us all. I feel you I just wish I could see you and touch your sweet face. Okay I will stop before I have to add sadness to the title of this journal. You will be 22 months just before your sister turns 1. We will be preparing for your 2nd birthday soon.... Love!!
Each month on the 1st-3rd I have a hard time because it marks another month without you. This month baby girl you will be proud that the sadness will at least be delayed. i am sure many tears will be shed as I watch Hope blow out her first candle on her first cake. It has gone by way too fast!!! I want a do over. Anyway, we are having a bug theme for Buggy's party. I am having the cutest dress made for her. I ordered the cake that is the shape of a #1 with flowers and bugs on it.She is here this year so i won't have to freeze this cake because she is late. ;) There will be lots of balloons and a jumping castle. We are having it in the Fourth so we are having a cookout and fireworks. She was supposed to be here last year by the 4th, but Party Girl had plans to hitch a ride with me a bit longer. She can't hide from me this year. :) AND the most most exciting part of the entire celebration is that PIA and ANDREW are coming to celebrate with us. I can't wait for Pia to hold my rainbow in her arms. To Mommy it is like she represents all my DS sisters that cheered on baby Hope to make it here safely. I couldn't have made it through any of this without them and you baby girl. As cheated as I feel without you here to hold, Mommy is starting to feel blessed again- not cursed. Thanks for always leading the way and taking such good care of us all. I am sure some tears will be shed that I won't be able to look into your eyes and see the pride and you see the pride in mine as we watch your gift smash into her first cake. I know that eveything I do you do with me, but I sure wish I just once see you with us all. I feel you I just wish I could see you and touch your sweet face. Okay I will stop before I have to add sadness to the title of this journal. You will be 22 months just before your sister turns 1. We will be preparing for your 2nd birthday soon.... Love!!
June 4, 2010
It has been 21 months, and I miss you so much. As you know Mommy has her up and down days, but you always give me the strength to stand up and live. i was doing pretty good coming out of my last slump, and then it happened. On Sunday, a friend's husband from church announced that she would be delivering on Tuesday by scheduled c-section and that her birthday would be the following week, so she wouldn't be coming. Most of the time normal pregnant women get on my nerves, but Julie never did. i could see in her eyes the appreciation and excitement. We were never close, mommy never liked sticking around to mingle at church since you went away. She and Agmed always looked Mommy and Daddy in the eyes with sincere sympathy. I could tell that somehow they knew without knowing that you never get over losing a child. when he announced their baby's pending arrival and Julie's birthday, I thought their life sounds so perfect please don't let it be ruined. I actually felt something drawing me to them on Sunday. I wanted so badly to tell her to do kickcounts and not to ignore her instincts. Daddy and i stuck around because the man that is a lawyer and is running for a House seat was there. He had told our friend Jodie that he would love to help us in our fight for a CBRS, and I wanted to take him up on his offer. In hindsight, we weren't compelled to stay for that reason were we baby girl? You and Luke needed your parents to exchange words even if they are words that haunt Daddy. He told them the forbidden words in our world, Congrats,early... He feels so bad for saying those words. As we were leaving i stopped in the parking lot and asked Daddy if I should go back and at least tell her to do kickcounts. We stood there for a second and said no we don't want to scare her. Although logically,I feel like i couldn't have stopped her from losing, in my heart I wonder could the meeting have been devine intervention from you in hopes that her baby could stay here with his family. I want to believe that Luke was already with you in heaven and you two wanted us to have some kind of meeting before the worst day of their lives happened leading to them needing us for guidance. i still can't help but wonder if i could have stopped it...Well, of course when something difficult happens your Daddy is out of town. i am thinking i need to get me a traveling career to be able to escape. ;) I got a phone call from Marie, it was so surreal listening to her message. Before she even said it I was thinking, please don't let her say that couple lost their baby, but she did. Baby girl i fell to my knees and i was back to the day you left. i have been there since. I went and sat with Julie and tried to give her as much comfort and guidance as I could and would have wanted for myself. I found it hard not to ramble of all to come, but i had to pull back because I can't tell her that you think it is bad but the game has just begun. i want to stay with her and guide her and prevent her from having to hurt as bad as it hurts, but i can't save her from reality. Looking at Julie and Agmed, I saw mommy and Daddy. they were laughing one minute and sobbing the next. You think it is the worst you can feel, but it is no where close. She had to have a c-section, so although she didn't have the agonizing hours of waiting to meet Luke like i did with you, she has a long recovery to remind her of what has been robbed from her. My heart aches for their little Anna who is seven and has been waiting for a baby brother or sister for a long time. Julie had a miscarriage last summer after trying for a few years. She was so excited when she got the positive that she told Anna, then miscarried. Like all of us moms she just knew this time Anna would be holding her baby brother so proudly today instead of holding him for a few moments and saying goodbye with the only kiss they will ever share. They asked me about anger and guilt. Of course we all have our bouts with both, but nothing angers me more than knowing you and your siblings will never have a relationship the way they have with each other in person. It is so sweet to listen to them say i love you as they fall asleep, or think of you when they see a butterfly, but there is always the moments when tears will well up in their innocent eyes from just wanting to share some of the dreams they had for you. i hate that another little girl has lost her innocence. I hate that another mommy and daddy know our forever pain. I just hope that we can be their guiding light and that you and little Luke stay close by. I haven't been seeing many butterflies, I need them as a physical sign that you are close, so as your mother I demand you send some to your butterfly garden. ;) You know i did plant it for that reason!! I love you so very much. Help me get out of this funk I have been feeling since I found out about Luke. I can't be feeling sick physically and emotionally, if i am going to be helping them. Thank you for your love my sweet sweet Faith.
May 29, 2010
I don't even know what to write about. I am in one of those moods where you feel disconnected from everything. I guess I am just tired of keeping up the fight to be happy and positive. I hate the quiet and its stillness. I use to love the quiet. I loved being alone to just think and dream, but now the quiet is a haunting reminder of what isn't. I feel like I have to keep life loud and busy so that I am not reminded of what is missing. I am tired... I just want to be happy without a but. At the beginning of all this, feelings were new and with each journal I felt like it was a release to write those feelings down like I was making progress, but now I feel like... damn that feeling is back again. I feel like I am running in one big circle of emotions and when one leaves I am waiting for it to return and bracing myself for the next to appear. As unpredictable as grief is at sneaking up on you and the not knowing which emotion it will bring; it is also constant and dull and draining.
Faith, I am so sorry that I am not so good at living the life I promised to you. I try so hard, I just can't be strong all the time. The weight is pulling mommy down. I will be looking for your hand in the dark- your next sign of hope to get me through this moment. Please know that I am not tired from being your mommy I am just so tired of being without you here. I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you...
Faith, I am so sorry that I am not so good at living the life I promised to you. I try so hard, I just can't be strong all the time. The weight is pulling mommy down. I will be looking for your hand in the dark- your next sign of hope to get me through this moment. Please know that I am not tired from being your mommy I am just so tired of being without you here. I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you...
Drown in sorrow or let your love give me fuel for this journey
May 2, 2010
I choose your love baby girl. Everyday, I get up because of your love. Sometimes, I cry, I yearn, I fall, but when its all over your love lifts me up. Tomorrow you will be 20 months old. Thinking of all you would be doing and how beautiful you would be, STINGS my soul. I always have to remind myself that it will always sting and I can not change reality. You will not be here and I will always hurt because of that, BUT I will not allow it to stop me from living. What good would it be if I wasted my life, A life you could be living and that I would gladly give up for you. I can not do that, so I will make sure I live my life to the fullest for you. I was looking for quotes and I found this one- "We must embrace pain and burn it as fuel for our journey." At first glance it kind of bothered me. I thought this person couldn't have lost a child to say that. After reading it again, it is so true. The pain of losing you is so intertwined with the love I have for you. The pain is so great because I love you so much. Sometimes I think they are one in the same. Just like Fr Mckenna saying "Grieve, but do not grieve without hope," bothered me at first, I realized that hope and faith in you were going to be the only things that would keep my soul from withering away.
My second Mother's Day without you is approaching quickly as is your second birthday, I feel stronger. I don't like the fact that I am missing one of my babies to celebrate the one thing that means most to me. BUT I have the gift of your love, a love that is so strong and vibrant in my life. I celebrate your love and in your memory, the only gift Mommy wanted this year is a Butterfly Garden. Mommy and Daddy spent three days planting flowers that attract butterflies. I can't wait until all the flowers grow tall and butterflies flutter by to say hello. A few days ago Grace ran inside yelling," Faith is coming, Faith is coming, Mommy!!!" Oh, the smile on her face. We have all become better becasue of you. I have seen the relationship between Nash and Krista; and between Krista and Grace.Yes, they were both excited to become a big brother and big sister, but Grace has an appreciation for you and Hope that is so beautiful. She is so gentle and loving. She never gets irritated. She has so much pride in being your and Hope's big sister. To see a butterfly and be so excited, I can only imagine if she got to see your beautiful face. When I am in heaven with you, and the day comes(I pray a very long time from now) when she is welcomed by us, I will love to see her smile and cry "happy tears" when she sees you. I hate seeing her cry for you. One day she will have everything she dreamed of with you when you were in my belly. We all will. I love you and miss you everyday.
How beautiful is it that all these rainbow babies are arriving safely? Sadly, another mommy lost her second. I will never understand the WHYS of any loss. Please rally with your friends to keep rainbows safe. Lily and Nicholas' mommies are still waiting for rainbows love. Help them send their mommies a rainbow. The hope in a rainbow helps so much. Thank you for my rainbow. She is beautiful, and I see so much of you in her. Thank you!!! Love!!
I choose your love baby girl. Everyday, I get up because of your love. Sometimes, I cry, I yearn, I fall, but when its all over your love lifts me up. Tomorrow you will be 20 months old. Thinking of all you would be doing and how beautiful you would be, STINGS my soul. I always have to remind myself that it will always sting and I can not change reality. You will not be here and I will always hurt because of that, BUT I will not allow it to stop me from living. What good would it be if I wasted my life, A life you could be living and that I would gladly give up for you. I can not do that, so I will make sure I live my life to the fullest for you. I was looking for quotes and I found this one- "We must embrace pain and burn it as fuel for our journey." At first glance it kind of bothered me. I thought this person couldn't have lost a child to say that. After reading it again, it is so true. The pain of losing you is so intertwined with the love I have for you. The pain is so great because I love you so much. Sometimes I think they are one in the same. Just like Fr Mckenna saying "Grieve, but do not grieve without hope," bothered me at first, I realized that hope and faith in you were going to be the only things that would keep my soul from withering away.
My second Mother's Day without you is approaching quickly as is your second birthday, I feel stronger. I don't like the fact that I am missing one of my babies to celebrate the one thing that means most to me. BUT I have the gift of your love, a love that is so strong and vibrant in my life. I celebrate your love and in your memory, the only gift Mommy wanted this year is a Butterfly Garden. Mommy and Daddy spent three days planting flowers that attract butterflies. I can't wait until all the flowers grow tall and butterflies flutter by to say hello. A few days ago Grace ran inside yelling," Faith is coming, Faith is coming, Mommy!!!" Oh, the smile on her face. We have all become better becasue of you. I have seen the relationship between Nash and Krista; and between Krista and Grace.Yes, they were both excited to become a big brother and big sister, but Grace has an appreciation for you and Hope that is so beautiful. She is so gentle and loving. She never gets irritated. She has so much pride in being your and Hope's big sister. To see a butterfly and be so excited, I can only imagine if she got to see your beautiful face. When I am in heaven with you, and the day comes(I pray a very long time from now) when she is welcomed by us, I will love to see her smile and cry "happy tears" when she sees you. I hate seeing her cry for you. One day she will have everything she dreamed of with you when you were in my belly. We all will. I love you and miss you everyday.
How beautiful is it that all these rainbow babies are arriving safely? Sadly, another mommy lost her second. I will never understand the WHYS of any loss. Please rally with your friends to keep rainbows safe. Lily and Nicholas' mommies are still waiting for rainbows love. Help them send their mommies a rainbow. The hope in a rainbow helps so much. Thank you for my rainbow. She is beautiful, and I see so much of you in her. Thank you!!! Love!!
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