Sunday, December 6, 2015

Beyond the Rainbow

Beyond the Rainbow My life in loss is not like the beginning where death had destroyed me and left me so raw and yet so close to those I love. I felt out of place in the world but so connected to my little family. We were all crippled and would never be the same. I made a choice that death might have taken my daughter and destroyed me but I would soak in her light that remained shining even if I couldn't have her here with me to hold. I kept walking forward and following her light. I lived for hope that life could have joy again. Having a rainbow signified that death's darkness would be washed away. I knew life could still have its ups and downs. BUT it could never hurt me more than burying my baby girl. It still can't but people can and have. People that endured the same hell with you don't always remember and continue to live and love with the insight that life is fragile and we should never take what and who we have for granted. Some get lost in the world of people that have never lived in the darkness of loss. Some people don't value the insight that losing a child brings. Time does not heal all wounds. Time isolates those of us that are forever changed. Those that have lost will always have a piece of our soul stuck in time where we had to leave the life we once knew that was as simple and normal as everyone else's. the grief that can pull you into its abyss can be conquered with hope. Or so I thought. Faith and hope don't have the same meaning for me any longer. They are my daughters. They are beautiful gifts. Gifts can only give as much as they are valued. They can not take away pain. They can not make someone change. They can not make someone better. A person has the power to be happy or miserable. if life gives the unimaginable, good or bad, it is up to a person to see the good beyond the shit thrown in front of them or to only bask and wallow in the shit. I believe my God is an awesome God, and will hold my hand through any and everything this world gives and takes. BUT You decide how you react to the not so good and how much you cherish the gifts you've been given. Focus on the negative and your world will remain negative.... It's been seven years and sometimes I can't see her light because her love and light does not shine where there isn't hope and love and truth. So maybe I can't wait for some people to catch up because I can't allow anyone to cause her light to fade from my life. Maybe they need some time to find their way back without me holding their hand. In many ways I miss the clarity that the beginning brought. even though it seemed so awful, her light was so bright for everyone not just me...

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