November 17, 2008
Being pregnant again is such a blessing. It's so weird too. I have had a miscarriage before, but after having three children in a row, it wasn't a concern for me. Now after losing Faith so late into my pregnancy,I don't have a safe zone. I got my What o Expect when You're Expecting book out and starting at the beginning which felt so bizarre. I knew that all the new emotions added to the grief would be difficult. I'm happy with my decision to get pregnant soon. I can only explain my feelings as the closest I'll ever be to insane. The happiness one minute and anxiety the next. Thanking God for the chance and still yearning for Faith. Planning for a new life like i just did when pregnant with Faith. These are probably all the reasons behind drs telling you to wait. With all these emotions, there is that glimmer of HOPE. That little light of HOPE overshadows all the negative. My main concern now is miscarriage. I know that if I'm blessed to make it through the 1st trimester, I will have new worries. I know that this will be the bravest thing I've ever done. The hardest is learning to live life without my lil Faith here to share. If I make it to the end of this pregnancy holding a new beautiful life in my arms, then this insanity of grieving and expecting at the same time will be for something besides healing. It will be for moving forward into life not being in idle with just my grief. I love you my sweet Faith. There is not a thought that does not have you in it or behind it. You are always with me.
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
Praying with Gratitude- Expecting my rainbow
November 9, 2008
Lord we are so good at just asking and asking. I want to thank you. Thank you for this blessing, this life inside of me. I pray something I never thought I would ever have to pray for- please let me bring this one home to love here on earth. I miss my Faith so much. This is so bittersweet. I'm sure she hand picked this one for her mommy,daddy, brother, and sisters. I know that this is not going to be easy. But I know that this is what I need to help my grieving process. I'm hoping me being pregnant is you agreeing. I have all these things-emotions racing inside my head as if I didn't have enough already. The fear-will it happen again-will I have a miscarriage? I can't tell my kids yet, but I want to so bad. I don't want to give them false hope, but I want to give them good news. I want to be like I've always been-just excited. There is so much more to feel now other than that. Has my angel Faith sent this one with an angel kiss. I hope I get to kiss this sweet baby too. I never thought I would have to specify in my prayers that I want a living baby. I always prayed for happy and healthy. Well, I'm praying for it now. Please Lord let this one be happy healthy and LIVING. My sweet Faith I miss you so much and I wish that you could be here instead of being our brave little angel. I know that you have been watching over us. Take care of this baby, Aunt meme, and Evelyn. Oh, sweet daughter I want you here so bad. We want to watch you grow up and know you. This is so bittersweet. Thanks beautiful one. You are in my heart and soul forever. I will never regret you -the memory of you marks everything I do.LOVE YOU, Mommy
Lord we are so good at just asking and asking. I want to thank you. Thank you for this blessing, this life inside of me. I pray something I never thought I would ever have to pray for- please let me bring this one home to love here on earth. I miss my Faith so much. This is so bittersweet. I'm sure she hand picked this one for her mommy,daddy, brother, and sisters. I know that this is not going to be easy. But I know that this is what I need to help my grieving process. I'm hoping me being pregnant is you agreeing. I have all these things-emotions racing inside my head as if I didn't have enough already. The fear-will it happen again-will I have a miscarriage? I can't tell my kids yet, but I want to so bad. I don't want to give them false hope, but I want to give them good news. I want to be like I've always been-just excited. There is so much more to feel now other than that. Has my angel Faith sent this one with an angel kiss. I hope I get to kiss this sweet baby too. I never thought I would have to specify in my prayers that I want a living baby. I always prayed for happy and healthy. Well, I'm praying for it now. Please Lord let this one be happy healthy and LIVING. My sweet Faith I miss you so much and I wish that you could be here instead of being our brave little angel. I know that you have been watching over us. Take care of this baby, Aunt meme, and Evelyn. Oh, sweet daughter I want you here so bad. We want to watch you grow up and know you. This is so bittersweet. Thanks beautiful one. You are in my heart and soul forever. I will never regret you -the memory of you marks everything I do.LOVE YOU, Mommy
Nothing like losing a baby
Candle light service
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Tonight the funeral home had a memorial service for veterans and all who have passed this year. It was mostly about paying tribute to servicemen. If I had known, I probably would not have gone because it's a school night. So I'm glad I didn't know because we all need to thank our men and woman that fight for us. We were late(we are late for everything), so her name was the last on the list. I think she wanted us to be late so hers was the last called. lol All my girls have to have all the attention. Afterwards, there were refreshments. I couldn't stay listening to people talk about their loved ones that had a full life. They lived. They grew up. They hugged their moms. They danced. They played and fought with their siblings. They took their first step. They had their first day at school. They had a life. Our babies had no firsts. Nothing is like losing a baby. I wish I could take you guys everywhere with me so I don't feel alone. I feel like her one little candle represented all of our babies. I think they must all be friends up there like their mommies are. Thank you guys for always being supportive
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Tonight the funeral home had a memorial service for veterans and all who have passed this year. It was mostly about paying tribute to servicemen. If I had known, I probably would not have gone because it's a school night. So I'm glad I didn't know because we all need to thank our men and woman that fight for us. We were late(we are late for everything), so her name was the last on the list. I think she wanted us to be late so hers was the last called. lol All my girls have to have all the attention. Afterwards, there were refreshments. I couldn't stay listening to people talk about their loved ones that had a full life. They lived. They grew up. They hugged their moms. They danced. They played and fought with their siblings. They took their first step. They had their first day at school. They had a life. Our babies had no firsts. Nothing is like losing a baby. I wish I could take you guys everywhere with me so I don't feel alone. I feel like her one little candle represented all of our babies. I think they must all be friends up there like their mommies are. Thank you guys for always being supportive
Two months
November 3, 2008
It's Been two months since I gave birth to my sweet angel, Faith. It seems like yesterday that this nightmare began. It is slowly becoming my new normal. The heartache is weaving it's way into my soul. It's a part of me now. Never will leave. The thought of this always being a part of me is sad but strangly comforting. With the sadness, I know that she will always be there. I know that she is so much more than sadness. She is pure, beautiful, angelic, and perfect. I pray for the day that I don't just cry for her. That I don't constantly grieve to touch her sweet face, kiss her nose, smell her baby smell, or feel her breath on my neck . These are things other mothers claim to cherish. I'd never wish this on anyone. When I see parents fight over whose turn it is to hold their baby, or to change their diaper, or get frustrated because they won't sleep, I just want to yell "Suck it up, you're gonna miss this one day"or You could've lost your baby like me." I could say that , but they still could never fully understand. I'm around friends and their babies, and they complain. Good friends whose hearts ache for me, but still life is normal for them. I'm jealous that I can never complain like that again. I also feel blessed that I, through her death, was blessed to cherish every detail of life and how it could be over at any moment. Today my angel I mourn you but am learning to celebrate you. I pray that one day I will be overcomed with joy when I think of you. I'm so blessed to call you my child, Faith. Thank you for watching over Mommy, Daddy, Nash, Krista, and Grace. They miss you so much. Everytime Grace sees another baby she says "My baby died, I miss her." You're in our hearts and souls forever sweet baby Faith. We have to accept that you are our angel and will never be here the way we want. I'm so happy to have the comfort that you are in God's loving arms.
It's Been two months since I gave birth to my sweet angel, Faith. It seems like yesterday that this nightmare began. It is slowly becoming my new normal. The heartache is weaving it's way into my soul. It's a part of me now. Never will leave. The thought of this always being a part of me is sad but strangly comforting. With the sadness, I know that she will always be there. I know that she is so much more than sadness. She is pure, beautiful, angelic, and perfect. I pray for the day that I don't just cry for her. That I don't constantly grieve to touch her sweet face, kiss her nose, smell her baby smell, or feel her breath on my neck . These are things other mothers claim to cherish. I'd never wish this on anyone. When I see parents fight over whose turn it is to hold their baby, or to change their diaper, or get frustrated because they won't sleep, I just want to yell "Suck it up, you're gonna miss this one day"or You could've lost your baby like me." I could say that , but they still could never fully understand. I'm around friends and their babies, and they complain. Good friends whose hearts ache for me, but still life is normal for them. I'm jealous that I can never complain like that again. I also feel blessed that I, through her death, was blessed to cherish every detail of life and how it could be over at any moment. Today my angel I mourn you but am learning to celebrate you. I pray that one day I will be overcomed with joy when I think of you. I'm so blessed to call you my child, Faith. Thank you for watching over Mommy, Daddy, Nash, Krista, and Grace. They miss you so much. Everytime Grace sees another baby she says "My baby died, I miss her." You're in our hearts and souls forever sweet baby Faith. We have to accept that you are our angel and will never be here the way we want. I'm so happy to have the comfort that you are in God's loving arms.
Sleepless Nights
Sunday, October 19, 2008
Up until now I haven't had that much of a problem sleeping. The last few nights I haven't been able to sleep until I'm emotionally exhausted. Then, I wake up later with this empty feeling. I've been feeling anxious. I hope this is temporary because the sadness is enough to handle. I feel caught between two worlds. This one where my living children are and heaven where my beautiful angel is. I feel like I don't belong in either. I know my kids need me, but I feel numb like I'm just watching them live, and I can't join in. I don't want to leave my kids nor would I ever do that to them. I just want to enjoy them. I promised Faith that her death wouldn't be for nothing that we would make a great life for her brother and sisters. I feel like I'm failing her. How do I laugh again and not feel like crying at the same time?
Up until now I haven't had that much of a problem sleeping. The last few nights I haven't been able to sleep until I'm emotionally exhausted. Then, I wake up later with this empty feeling. I've been feeling anxious. I hope this is temporary because the sadness is enough to handle. I feel caught between two worlds. This one where my living children are and heaven where my beautiful angel is. I feel like I don't belong in either. I know my kids need me, but I feel numb like I'm just watching them live, and I can't join in. I don't want to leave my kids nor would I ever do that to them. I just want to enjoy them. I promised Faith that her death wouldn't be for nothing that we would make a great life for her brother and sisters. I feel like I'm failing her. How do I laugh again and not feel like crying at the same time?
6 weeks without Faith
My heart aches for my kids
Friday, October 17, 2008
I can't take this. I feel like I'm going to explode. I don't have enough room inside of me for all these emotions. I'm frustrated because my kids shouldn't know death. Their innocence has been taken from them. That ticks me off. My three yr old says " Mommy I'm not a big sister anymore." "Mommy I was happy when baby Faith was in your tummy." " I wish I could see her face." When I was pregnant she would jump on the bed, sometimes she would accidently hit my belly. She would stop, kiss my belly, and say" opps sorry baby!" I want to give her those times back. It was all taken from her. I wonder what she is thinking. My 7 yr old writes messages on the fridge for baby Faith. She has written "I love you Faith" , " I'm sorry Mommy", "Faith is ok she's with God." Today she wrote "I want to kill myself so I can see Faith." My heart is dying for Faith and from my kids' sadness. My 11 yr old tries to ignore his feelings by playing video games. I can't take this. I just want my normal life back with all the normal insanity.
Friday, October 17, 2008
I can't take this. I feel like I'm going to explode. I don't have enough room inside of me for all these emotions. I'm frustrated because my kids shouldn't know death. Their innocence has been taken from them. That ticks me off. My three yr old says " Mommy I'm not a big sister anymore." "Mommy I was happy when baby Faith was in your tummy." " I wish I could see her face." When I was pregnant she would jump on the bed, sometimes she would accidently hit my belly. She would stop, kiss my belly, and say" opps sorry baby!" I want to give her those times back. It was all taken from her. I wonder what she is thinking. My 7 yr old writes messages on the fridge for baby Faith. She has written "I love you Faith" , " I'm sorry Mommy", "Faith is ok she's with God." Today she wrote "I want to kill myself so I can see Faith." My heart is dying for Faith and from my kids' sadness. My 11 yr old tries to ignore his feelings by playing video games. I can't take this. I just want my normal life back with all the normal insanity.
When I started this blog I was a little over a year into the loss of my sweet Faith. My intentions were to keep it going... I have grown so much, healed in many ways, BUT I have found that my heart will never mend. There will always be a hole in my heart yearning to have my little girl here with me.
Once again I have good intentions to get this blog going. I am posting some of my past journals from my support group, so you can see where I have been and where I am going.
Once again I have good intentions to get this blog going. I am posting some of my past journals from my support group, so you can see where I have been and where I am going.
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