Beyond the Rainbow

Beyond the Rainbow My life in loss is not like the beginning where death had destroyed me and left me so raw and yet so close to those I love. I felt out of place in the world but so connected to my little family. We were all crippled and would never be the same. I made a choice that death might have taken my daughter and destroyed me but I would soak in her light that remained shining even if I couldn't have her here with me to hold. I kept walking forward and following her light. I lived for hope that life could have joy again. Having a rainbow signified that death's darkness would be washed away. I knew life could still have its ups and downs. BUT it could never hurt me more than burying my baby girl. It still can't but people can and have. People that endured the same hell with you don't always remember and continue to live and love with the insight that life is fragile and we should never take what and who we have for granted. Some get lost in the world of people that have never lived in the darkness of loss. Some people don't value the insight that losing a child brings. Time does not heal all wounds. Time isolates those of us that are forever changed. Those that have lost will always have a piece of our soul stuck in time where we had to leave the life we once knew that was as simple and normal as everyone else's. the grief that can pull you into its abyss can be conquered with hope. Or so I thought. Faith and hope don't have the same meaning for me any longer. They are my daughters. They are beautiful gifts. Gifts can only give as much as they are valued. They can not take away pain. They can not make someone change. They can not make someone better. A person has the power to be happy or miserable. if life gives the unimaginable, good or bad, it is up to a person to see the good beyond the shit thrown in front of them or to only bask and wallow in the shit. I believe my God is an awesome God, and will hold my hand through any and everything this world gives and takes. BUT You decide how you react to the not so good and how much you cherish the gifts you've been given. Focus on the negative and your world will remain negative.... It's been seven years and sometimes I can't see her light because her love and light does not shine where there isn't hope and love and truth. So maybe I can't wait for some people to catch up because I can't allow anyone to cause her light to fade from my life. Maybe they need some time to find their way back without me holding their hand. In many ways I miss the clarity that the beginning brought. even though it seemed so awful, her light was so bright for everyone not just me...

4 years since you slipped away

Warning: if you have come to read this blog for hope and inspiration, you won't find it today.

4 Years since You Slipped Away-

 Hello baby girl,my FAITH, I used to write you so often- daily turned to weekly to monthly, and now I try not to. Some would think that means I'm getting stronger, but those that have lost a child know it means I'm running. I have to ignore my reality in order to survive. Four years of torture has been my reality, and it is a life sentence. Yes, I wake up every morning to this reality and decide to live- to live for you and for your brother and sisters. Not for me... I don't want to be in a world that is not complete. A mother should not have to live in a place where her child has died. I try really hard to fight this everyday, then the day comes, the anniversary of when you left. Then the day we heard the dreaded words, im sorry there is no heartbeat. Next, the darkest day, yet with the most beautiful moments of holding you for the first and last time after 23 hrs of labor. Begging you to look back at me. You have to do all the things that Grace has been waiting on you for. You have to wake up. She won't wake up.... I chanted the words, i love you, i love you, i love you, i love you hoping it was enough to last a lifetime. It wasn't enough... I want and yearn for so much more with you. The trick to all of this is learning to deal without ever getting what you want. A want that feels like a need. This is where we shove reality away. Today, I will have my moment and shove it back down as deep as I can, and be the mother I know you would want me to be. I am your mom too though. I want nothing more than to cry this day, this weekend away. I don't want to smile...

 The last few days have been torture. So many emotions and thoughts swirling around in my mind. This seems to happen when I put off addressing my feelings. Well, I have spent the last few evenings taking all of my anger and sadness out on your garden. I usually enjoy your garden. I think of how much you must like it because you send so many butterflies for me to watch each morning as I get ready. Well, lately I have ignored your garden like those feelings. The weeds have overgrown most of the flowers, yet some have managed to keep living. Those flowers represent your love to me, it will never die. The weeds are all those feelings I have thought I successively shoved down deep enough to not feel. Sooner or later, if I want to see the beauty in this life or your garden, I have to deal with the weeds. So I did. Like a mad women, I ripped them all away with my bear hands(because Mema aka Granny Clampet(sp) broke the garden sheers :/) I spent hours crying and ripping away. At the end we had a beautiful garden again. I wish these feelings were that easy to rip away. Your butterflies have arrived this morning. All 48 of them. One for each month without you. I remember journaling my plans before your first birthday. Little did I know that the first birthday would be the easiest. I was so excited that I thought of releasing butterflies for each month without you, and how beautiful it would be to see more and more as you got older. Oh, it will be beautiful, but all those butterflies represent so much pain. I want so much to be optimistic today. I do so much to keep you alive in this world. I will go to my grave making sure people know that I have five children. Grief is so draining though. It is a constant battle for me to make your short life something positive and not all of this I'm writing about. I have met so many wonderful women because of you. After you died,I became so jaded to the people of this world that have not buried a child. Don't get me wrong there are some crazy people that I have dealt with, BUT one by one you and God have sent some amazing people into my life to break down that wall. First,my twin Sara: we became so close during my pregnancy with you. She has never treated me differently, but has always offered a shoulder to cry on when I need it. She has stuck by me no matter how crazy it has gotten. Second, the angel that I know you chose before you even left, our nurse Sherry. I don't think she will ever realize just how much she has done for us. She is a friend for life because of you. Third, and I don't think she would even think she would be on the list, but she is and it is well deserved :) Amy, she does work in the infant loss world,but I can sit and laugh and talk about nothing and in the next moment we are planning a candle lighting for Oct. 15th. It almost feels like she is another angel mom. ;) Cathy from Jackson hospital has from the beginning of us donating baskets there has always been so receptive to my advice and genuinely cares for angel moms. There are many more, but these women that do not know from personal experience what it is like to bury a child, still as women know how painful it would be. This journal was supposed to be dark, all of the emotions I have pinned up inside for months. Instead once again, Faith, you make me find the good in everything. I refuse to find the good in your death. I could say without you dying, local hospitals would not have baskets.... Well, someone else could have and i would love to have all of my babies and help them do something in memory of their baby.I could say there would be no CBRS in Alabama... Someone else would have fought for it. I could ignorantly say as others do that Hope would not be here... I'm fertile and this would be the exact age that you would have been if I were about to have #5. I don't see the things I do as something good that I do because you died. I see them as my way to keep my daughter alive in this world. It is that simple. Women that you meet that have buried their child and they are doing great things, they are doing them to keep their children alive in this world and to change the way this world perceives infant death. We don't like being part of a taboo subject. Our children are beautiful People that have made a difference in this world. no matter how short their lives were. They are beautiful and I will never stop talking about my daughter, my lving children's sister, the little girl that has done more good in this world than most who will get to live 90 years. I am forever grateful for all the angel mamas and their babies that I have met along the way. There are too many too list. I never thought that my tomboy self would ever have so many girlfriends.;) I do, and I wouldn't and couldn't survive this without them. Thank you to you all. Once again, you have brought me out of the darkness with your beautiful light. No matter how down I become, your beautiful light makes me see the good. Death, sadness, grief, anger will not win. I love you my gorgeous daughter. You are forever cherished and never forgotten. Thank you for all that you are and who you have made me become. I will celebrate you even through the tears. Love, Mommy

Faith's Healing Baskets

Faith,
Mommy is so proud to announce that we have filed for our 501(c)3 (non-profit status). We are officially Faith's Healing Baskets and have obtained our Federal Tax ID#. As you know, I have avoided this for a long time. I didn't want what I do in your memory to lose its meaning. I didn't want it to become like a business. Yes, I want other families to know they are not alone, and I want to provide them with tools to support them in their grief journey. BUT as your mommy, the baskets are my gift to you- to let you know I will never forget you, and if you can't be here to mother, I will mother you this way. Oh, I know you are so proud of the lamb and butterfly that Krista drew for our logo. I can't wait to add it to a website- hint, hint. Send someone to create one for us!! lol
We have donated a total of 45 Baskets to our local hospitals. Because of donations received for your 3rd birthday from friends and a grant from a local Women's Service League, we have been able to buy sewing equipment to create preemie burial pouches and increase inventory. I don't want it to be businesslike, but I realize I have to have the non-profit status to receive donations. The need is far greater than I ever imagined when we donated our first basket for your Christmas present... I know you would want me to provide as many baskets as I can. Everyday, I'm sure you welcome another baby that has left their family to soon. I wish I could give a basket to all of their families. For now, I have to focus on our local hospitals, but I will touch as many lives as I can in your honor baby girl. Keep lighting my way, and I will follow. After all, Hope flies on the wings of Faith. Love!!

Happy 3rd Birthday my sweet girl!

Faith, I just can't believe that you will be three...I know that you see how hard I fight to live for you. I promised you that your death would not destroy my faith and that I would be the best mom I could be to your siblings. We both know I'm not perfect, but I hope that I am living up to those promises for you. We have a motto in this family because of you, To live times two. We all have to live more, give more, love more, be more in honor of you sweet girl. Nash, Krista, and Grace are back at school this year. They are all doing well, and I'm enjoying just being mom and helping with homework. :) Nash and Krista love being back with their friends everyday. They are both making As so far. Krista is finally over her math anxiety after seeing that the other kids are not doing as well. I hope she learns to believe in herself more. Grace is having a hard time adjusting to the long hours away from home. She talks about how much she loves PE because you send her lots of butterflies. Send her your strength and always let her know you are with her. Your little gift, your crazy little gift...lol She is such a joy and entertains us all. You picked a good one. I know you enjoy watching her cause so much mischief. I love it when she looks at your picture and says, Faif. I can only imagine how much mischief my Irish twins could cause together. Oh, how I still wish I could have you here. I could go on, but the yearning for you will never change. I won't rewrite all that I have said before. With tears running down my face, I choose to wipe them away and smile because no matter where you are, no matter where I am- you are my daughter, I am your mother. I celebrate the bond that can never be broken by death. Our spirits are connected so I am filled with peace. The human nature in me still grieves the physical absence, but the spirit prevails always. Our spirits are one, so when I fall into the darkness your shining light guides my way out. I will continue to honor your life and make your imprint in this world visible.

Take a break from your big birthday bash and watch the butterfly release, lanterns, and fireworks on your birthday. Love you baby girl!
"Hope flies on the wings of Faith"

Faith's story written January '09

A few years back a woman in my parish was pregnant with her sixth baby. When she was close to her due date the family moved away. It wasn’t long after that an announcement was made at church to pray for their infant during the prayer for the dead. As a mother I gasped thinking, “how is the mother surviving”? How does she even breathe? My mind couldn’t even process those feelings. As quickly as they would enter my mind during prayer at church, they would leave. My thought of them would end with thanking God that my children were alive and healthy. I was then one of the mothers that I am jealous of now, a mother living unknowingly a carefree life. No matter how many struggles life throws at you, no one knows hell until they have lost a child. We are not taught about stillbirth. Most of us do not even hear the word until we experience it. If we do, we only think of babies that are seriously ill inside the womb. That is not the case most of the time. That is not my story and it is not the story of most of my friends that are enduring the pain every second of everyday since they lost their babies.

My story begins with me, as a mother of three beautiful and healthy children, Nash 11, Krista 7, Grace 3, and my desire to have a fourth. I love children and the excitement they bring to a home. As usual, we quickly became pregnant with number four: our big finale. Pregnancy has always been a breeze for me with the exception of horrible morning sickness and the usual aches and pains that go with it. For me, if I decided on having a child I was blessed with one. I’ve always thanked God for this because so many women, including my mother, long to have children and struggle to get pregnant. After the first few months of morning sickness, we learned that we were having a girl. I was a little sad for Nash, my oldest, because he really wanted a brother. I quickly became happy to have another girl because I love watching them twirl around in their tutus and singing. Grace couldn’t wait to be a big sister and Krista, my “little mommy”, couldn’t wait to have a baby in the house. At night, both girls would dance around in my bed stopping occasionally to give my belly a kiss and say hello to Faith. We decided on the name Faith because my faith in God has always been strong. My husband the worrier was afraid financially to add a fourth. As always, I told him to have “Faith” and everything will be okay. The remainder of the pregnancy was the same as all of mine; everything was perfect. Those were the words I heard from my OB at every appointment. On August 18 I went in for my 33 ½ check-up not knowing this would be my last carefree easy visit. My next appointment was scheduled for September 2, 2008. The weekend before my appointment we were very busy getting the house prepared for our new bundle of joy. I was in “nesting” mode cleaning, my husband was putting in new flooring, and my kids were having a good time with their cousins that were visiting. Needless to say I wasn’t thinking about baby movements and had never even heard of kickcounts. On Labor Day, company left including my husband who had to fly that day. The chaos was gone so it was clean-up time before my shower and bed. Faith was always most active at bedtime. I guess because she was waiting for the show that her sisters would perform each night. That night she didn’t move. I thought she must be as exhausted as I am. All night I kept waking knowing that something wasn’t right. Part of my mind knew she was gone while the other protected me and lulled me back to sleep saving me from the pain a little longer. I know my daughter’s beautiful little soul was there comforting me. I believe she was giving me the information a little at a time to ease me into now what is my hell-my life with grief. After waking again, I thought of a section in the What to Expect… book about counting baby movements. It was around 2a.m. I got up and ate some doughnuts and sat in our quiet living room begging Faith to move. I could feel her elbow or knee so I pushed on it without a response. Because of the time I decided to get ready early the next morning and go in. My appointment was scheduled for 1:30 but I would call for a quick heartbeat check to calm my worries. She had to be O.K. After all, this was the perfect pregnancy with the perfect baby- right? Babies don’t die. There has to be a simple explanation. I called as soon as they opened and they told me to come right in. On the way I called my husband. As usual, he reassured me that everything would be okay. I wanted to believe him so bad, but knew that this time that I wasn’t just the exaggerating pregnant woman. As I sat waiting in the Dr.’s office, I took out my calendar (I write everything about my pregnancy appointments) and jotted down, “Faith not moving. I went to drs. office for heartbeat check”. I left a space for later to write some funny explanation. That space was left blank for a few days until I wrote: “Faith gone”. They called me back for an ultrasound. The US tech was joking with me about already having problems from a girl. Then she was silent and the room was quiet- there wasn’t the sound of a heartbeat. There wasn’t any more joking or reassuring words that she is fine. She said, “Cynthia, I’m having trouble so I need to get the Doctor”. I began screaming, “You know already! You tell me NOW!!!.” I can remember the terrified look on her face as she told me that Faith was gone- there isn’t a heartbeat. My mind is racing- I’m alone. What do I do? The Dr. came in while I was calling my poor unexpecting husband to tell him that he wasn’t right. She’s not okay. He was stuck on a trip two hours away . I was alone. We were talking but couldn’t get to each other. My baby is gone! He said he would call Pete, my brother. Fortunately, he was only a few minutes away. I was blurting out random questions to the Doctor when he walked in. He held me and we cried. My usual doctor was not there so this one told me I could go home and my doctor would call to discuss my next move. On the drive home I kept looking at my pregnant belly that used to be so full of life wondering “how can a perfect pregnancy end this way?” Then my mind quickly turned to my kids at home. I had kept the oldest two home from school that morning because of the appointment. How would I tell them that Faith wouldn’t ever be coming home? When I got in I called them into the living room. They all sat around me concerned by my crying. I’ll never forget their faces as I told them. A child should never have that look of pain and shock on their faces. At that moment their innocent world crumbled. I could no longer protect my kids from this world’s pain. They didn’t understand and I couldn’t explain because I didn’t either. I was saved from dealing with it when my doctor called to tell me that I needed to go to the hospital. I would have to induced and go through labor. This sounded so barbaric to me. Making a women endure the pains of labor knowing she wouldn’t have the joy at the end. My brother drove me and Kevin would meet me there a few hours later. When I arrived at the hospital the nurses had already been alerted. They were very nice and somber as they walked me to the isolated room at the end of the Labor/Delivery hall. They didn’t want to expose the other women to the mother of the dead baby or subject me to the cries of the newborn babies arriving safely into this world. Before Kevin arrived, my priest came by for a visit and to anoint me and give communion. During our conversation he said, “Grieve, but do not grieve without hope”. How could he say that to me? To a mother with a lifeless child inside her. I didn’t know that those words alone would carry me through my darkest days. When Kevin arrived all we did was hold each other and cry. I sent my brother home. We began preparing for our baby to arrive but not go home with us. The nurses were spectacular. I remember thinking, “How do they know what to do because this never happens”? Babies don’t die. Our nurse Sherry arranged everything. She went and got an outfit made by a women’s charity group. It was beautiful with lace trim and cross embroidered on the front. It didn’t hit me that this was the outfit for my daughter to be buried in. Sherry talked about how Faith would look, that we could keep her as long as we wanted, she would take pictures, get hand and foot prints, and make keepsakes for us. My labor began around 2 on Tuesday. The next morning pitocin was started. It seemed like it would never be over. I wanted it over- I wanted to get her out. I was tired of looking at this pregnant belly that was still full but not of life. I wanted to see her and hold her and never let her go. I wanted to know why. At 1:17 p.m. on September 3, 2008 after 23 ½ hours of labor my sweet, beautiful baby girl Faith was born. She weighed 5 pounds and was 19 ½ inches long. She was beautiful. We were “lucky” to find out why. Faith was a perfectly healthy baby that was unfortunate to have a true knot form in her cord. She also had the cord wrapped around her neck twice. My baby’s “lifeline” killed her. Instead of nourishment it brought her death. My doctor told me it was the equivalent to being struck by lightning. He sees many babies born with knots that don’t die. There wasn’t a dry eye in the room as we held and talked to our baby girl. She was the most beautiful baby that I had ever seen. She had Nash’s eyes, Krista’s nose, and Grace’s sweet little lips. Every favorite part of my kids she had. I wrapped her fingers around mine the way a baby would automatically. She was lifeless, yet her fingers did not let go. I tried to kiss her nose enough to last a lifetime. I smelled her hoping to remember it forever. I said “I love you-I love you “over and over hoping to make up for the times I wouldn’t get the chance to say it to her again. Kevin held his little girl the way he always held our babies. If it wasn’t for his sad tears, I could have pretended that he was walking around with our newborn that we would take home in a few days. I eventually said to Sherry that Faith was getting cold and that I didn’t want to remember her not being warm. She took my baby away. This is when my real nightmare began. My arms were empty and would never be filled again by her. In the first few days of grief we cried freely. We moved in and out of reality. We are comforted by friends and family that cry and share in our grief. You think that it will not or cannot get any worse until people want you to forget so they can. They can’t imagine our pain so, like me, when I heard about the church friend I wanted to quickly push it out of my mind, so did they. What I didn’t know and what they didn’t know is that it never leaves a mother’s mind. Time does not heal a mother’s heart and empty arms. It only takes her away from the only day she spent with her child. As time goes on we learn to cope and to move through life doing what is expected, but never does our baby leave our every thought. We move through life because life keeps moving. The words my priest said to me, “grieve but do not grieve without hope” help me keep going because I have to have hope. Hope that life can have joy again and that I can give my living children a happy life. As bad as the grief is I live for them. I named her Faith because I know that God is always with me, walking with me, and guiding me. I believe He did not take her but welcomed her. I don’t know why He didn’t prevent her death the same as I don’t know why He doesn’t prevent natural disasters. The knot in her cord was my own natural disaster. I do know that He is always there to pick up the pieces in the aftermath of a tragedy. I promised Faith and God that I would stand by the reasons I named her Faith. “Faith is the daring of the soul to go farther than it can see” author unknown. It is believing in the unseen that we will be okay even in our darkest moments. True Faith is blind faith. I made a promise that my faith would not be destroyed even after being tested beyond my ability to understand. I also promised Faith that I would give her brother and sisters a good life and make her proud. I promised that I would show them that there is hope that it will sustain us. I would live by the words, “grieve, but do not grieve without hope”. Kevin and I knew that we wanted another child. We were told to wait 6 months. For us, that was impossible. I had to feel life inside of me again to know that there is hope for us to have new joy in our life. As blessed as we were with three living children and a beautiful angel, we felt like we were standing still in our grief. We knew we had to live with it but we wanted it to follow us, not consume us. It’s always lurking, waiting for the moment to take over and it does. It’s always there; sometimes mute and sometimes loud. We let the feelings whatever they might be take over and ride it out. Then we re-enter the living and live. We decided to get pregnant as soon as possible and once again when I think of having another child we are blessed. On November 9, 2008, we found out that we are expecting. This time is different, there aren’t any carefree moments and all joy is tainted by the “what if’s”. However, holding it all together is the hope and the possibility that there can be joy in life after stillbirth. We are pregnant with another girl that we are naming Hope. Every movement she makes is analyzed. Every heartbeat heard is adored. Every moment is full of fear and hope. My children know that children can die. My four year old says that if Hope dies she will ask baby Faith and God to pick out another baby for us. She repeatedly asks if she will get to hold baby Hope. She says this because towards the end of my pregnancy with Faith I told her that when I go to the hospital she will come and get to hold baby Faith. She never got to do that so now that’s her fear. My family has been touched by fear that I can’t protect them from; that I cannot calm because it is also my fear. But, I can speak of Faith and Hope. I can teach them that while we have fear we can overcome it with hope. That joy will come home with us in July. My baby Faith is not replaced. She is cherished and remembered. She will live in my every thought. She is a part of me and I am a part of her. Her death is the reason I hurt but her life is the reason I live.

Thanks be to God and my sweet angel Faith- Her baby sister Hope was born screaming July 8,2009 weighing 7 lbs 6 oz. Grace proudly holds her baby sister everyday.

CBRS in Alabama

http://www.thepetitionsite.com/2/certificate-of-birth-resulting-in-stillbirth-alabama/

I Run to You

I run from hate, I run from prejudice
I run from pessimists, but I run too late
I run my life or is it running me, run from my past
I run too fast or too slow it seems

When lies become the truth
That's when I run to you

This world keeps spinning faster
Into a new disaster so I run to you, I run to you baby
When it all starts coming undone
Baby, you're the only one I run to, I run to you

We run on fumes, your life and mine
Like the sands of time slippin' right on through
And our love's the only truth
That's why I run to you

This world keeps spinning faster
Into a new disaster so I run to you, I run to you baby
When it all starts coming undone
Baby, you're the only one I run to, I run to you

Whoa, oh, I run to you

This world keeps spinning faster
Into a new disaster so I run to you, I run to you baby
When it all starts coming undone
Baby, you're the only one I run to, I run to you, I run to you, yeah

Whoa, oh, I run to you
I run to you girl, whoa

I always run to you
Run to you, run to you

When I lost Faith, the nurse asked if she could take some photos of her for us. My first reaction was a sense of confusion. Why? When we think of photos especially of our babies' first photo, we certainly don't think of them being forever sleeping. I don't know how she convinced us to let her, but I am so grateful- indebted to her for giving me the the most priceless possession I have. When you are a mom of an angel, you can't watch them as they race through life accomplishing milestones like their first bath, first smile, first Christmas, first steps, first day of school...All we have is their first and last moment they will ever have on this Earth.
I have to admit I was very guarded with Faith's pictures in the beginning, only sharing them with my closest friends and family. Of course, she looked beautiful to me, but I wondered what they looked like to others. Did they see death or did they see the beauty that I see when I look at them? We find ourselves learning to become a proud mother to an angel- finding the strength and courage to proudly show off our precious children to anyone that will look. The fact is we carry them for 9 months and in the end we have the post pregnancy body, milk flowing, hormones raging, and no reward to show off to the world. We don't have a baby in our arms for people to ooo and ahh over. Where is our proud possession? Where is the proof that we carried this beautiful child for 9 months? Our proof is our pictures. Without them the world would never have to acknowledge that they existed. the truth is the closest of our friends and family won't even say their name. Most of the time the only time our children's names are said is inside their mother's head. BECAUSE we learn quickly within a few months into our grieving that people don't like us to say their name. As mothers we need to hear their names said. We will never call our child's name across a room full of children and have a child turn and answer, "yes, mommy?" We will never have them holding our hand in the store as we see an old friend that will then comment on how much they have grown. ALL we have is their photo to share. ALL we have are the memories of the first and last moments locked inside our heads. The fact is I have to surround myself with Faith's pictures in order to survive this hell life has dealt me. If her photo brings anyone heartache- I am so sorry that you can't see the beauty that I see. If you think me showing her photos is prolonging my "healing" process, sorry to break this to you, but you don't heal from losing a child. You learn to live again with a huge gapping hole in your heart. I was so hurt to find out that what I often think is some people's opinion is true- they think I am strange for posting a pic of my baby girl on FB. A person that I thought was a friend asked a friend why I felt the need to post Faith's picture all the time...She thinks that haivng her picture out would make it harder for me. To me that is her way of saying that she doesn't like the constant reminder of my dead child. Well, hop inside my head for a few hours and take a ride on the grief train...You can't jump off when you are tired of the ride. It takes you where it wants you to go, so posting pictures or not posting pictures will not lessen my pain. It might lessen your discomfort from my constant reminding you of my dead child, but I don't care. Maybe it would help you to learn to appreciate that you don't have the pain of not having one of your children in your life. I can't stand the selfishness of the people in this world. Please, know you are not immune to losing a child. If you lost a child at 5, would I think you were strange for having a picture of them posted- no...It just so happens that I wasn't lucky enough to have Faith living; therefore, I am only blessed with pictures of her forever sleeping. I did not lose a pregnancy, I lost a child. A forever sleeping child that is beautiful, and I will continue to share her with the world.

23 months- we've come so far baby girl

Faith, these last few days have been hard. Each month that goes by without you I feel like the hole in my heart for you gets deeper, but somehow I am getting stronger in this world. I still find that I fall hard on days like today, but all of your gifts pull me out of that dark place. It is you baby girl, you have made me stronger. Losing you didn't do it like some think. All that you have given me has made me who I am. The death of you broke me, and you rebuilt me. I was very down the last few days, so I made myself revisit my old journals. I needed to see and feel those old emotions to realize that I am doing good. Yes, I will always crash sometimes because the reality of living without one of your children in this world would make anyone crash. Many times I still feel the same as I did in that journal.Although, my life is forever missing a very important part of it because you are gone, I am finding the comfort I need in you. You amaze me in so many ways. I love you and miss you so very much. Hope truly does fly on the wings of Faith. xoxoxo

February 3, 2009
Where is my 5 month old?
Why aren't you here? The pain overshadows everything in my life. Nothing is truly happiness without you. Five months has past. How can this be? I can imagine your laugh -your smile- the crinkle in your nose. I miss your sweet face. How would it have changed? It will never change. I don't want to imagine you- I want you. No one understands. No one wants to understand my pain. I want someone to care. Some want me to be me. Others look at me like I'm broken. The rest don't know of you, I'm just another person. You were here- now you're gone. Why do I have to live in a world that isn't changed after losing you? With people that want me to pretend like I'm happy. With people that want to treat me like I'm not hurt. I hate this world that remains the same without you. I'm swirling in my pain- they all pass me by. I can't ever let you go; I'm sorry beautiful angel. I love you. I miss you. I want you. I will forever yearn for the impossible. This is my life. It will never be full.

That is where we were, Faith. I have to be thankful for where we are now.

June 29, 2010

Well, I have a lot going on. I need to release some of it into words. I have so much to be happy about right now and I am loving it. Of course outside issues have to try to knock me back a few steps. The scare with Grace really had my stomach in knots. I don't know how she went from having every symptom of Appendicitis to having none- completely healed. The dr said that often kids will have their white count go up at the onset of a virus. I knew this, but... I just don't believe that a kid would have a stomach bug that caused their white count to go up to 22, 000, a fever of 102, stomach cramps wothout throwing up or coming out the other end. Then the fact that no one else has gotten it. I thought Nash did but his symptoms have been completely different, sore throat, throwing up... Baby girl I am sure you saw how distraught your Mommy was and had a talk with the head honcho about fixing my Monkey. While watching her get poked at in the hospital and feeling so helpless, I flashed to the night before when I was watching her dance. While she was dancing I was thinking of how she wanted to dance with you so bad. I told her that she had to teach baby Hope how to dance soon. Your gift is already rocking her bootie back and forth when music is playing. Anyway, I started to think what if I will never see my Monkey do her "exotic" moves anymore. You know how she moves. I can't imagine not having her here and never seeing her dance again. Well last night it was so good to sit and watch her shake that bootay again. lol My Monkey, your big sister is one of a kind. Well, all of you are very much individuals. You are my angel, but I know you are a very strong stubborn one since you are my child.

Each month on the 1st-3rd I have a hard time because it marks another month without you. This month baby girl you will be proud that the sadness will at least be delayed. i am sure many tears will be shed as I watch Hope blow out her first candle on her first cake. It has gone by way too fast!!! I want a do over. Anyway, we are having a bug theme for Buggy's party. I am having the cutest dress made for her. I ordered the cake that is the shape of a #1 with flowers and bugs on it.She is here this year so i won't have to freeze this cake because she is late. ;) There will be lots of balloons and a jumping castle. We are having it in the Fourth so we are having a cookout and fireworks. She was supposed to be here last year by the 4th, but Party Girl had plans to hitch a ride with me a bit longer. She can't hide from me this year. :) AND the most most exciting part of the entire celebration is that PIA and ANDREW are coming to celebrate with us. I can't wait for Pia to hold my rainbow in her arms. To Mommy it is like she represents all my DS sisters that cheered on baby Hope to make it here safely. I couldn't have made it through any of this without them and you baby girl. As cheated as I feel without you here to hold, Mommy is starting to feel blessed again- not cursed. Thanks for always leading the way and taking such good care of us all. I am sure some tears will be shed that I won't be able to look into your eyes and see the pride and you see the pride in mine as we watch your gift smash into her first cake. I know that eveything I do you do with me, but I sure wish I just once see you with us all. I feel you I just wish I could see you and touch your sweet face. Okay I will stop before I have to add sadness to the title of this journal. You will be 22 months just before your sister turns 1. We will be preparing for your 2nd birthday soon.... Love!!

June 4, 2010

It has been 21 months, and I miss you so much. As you know Mommy has her up and down days, but you always give me the strength to stand up and live. i was doing pretty good coming out of my last slump, and then it happened. On Sunday, a friend's husband from church announced that she would be delivering on Tuesday by scheduled c-section and that her birthday would be the following week, so she wouldn't be coming. Most of the time normal pregnant women get on my nerves, but Julie never did. i could see in her eyes the appreciation and excitement. We were never close, mommy never liked sticking around to mingle at church since you went away. She and Agmed always looked Mommy and Daddy in the eyes with sincere sympathy. I could tell that somehow they knew without knowing that you never get over losing a child. when he announced their baby's pending arrival and Julie's birthday, I thought their life sounds so perfect please don't let it be ruined. I actually felt something drawing me to them on Sunday. I wanted so badly to tell her to do kickcounts and not to ignore her instincts. Daddy and i stuck around because the man that is a lawyer and is running for a House seat was there. He had told our friend Jodie that he would love to help us in our fight for a CBRS, and I wanted to take him up on his offer. In hindsight, we weren't compelled to stay for that reason were we baby girl? You and Luke needed your parents to exchange words even if they are words that haunt Daddy. He told them the forbidden words in our world, Congrats,early... He feels so bad for saying those words. As we were leaving i stopped in the parking lot and asked Daddy if I should go back and at least tell her to do kickcounts. We stood there for a second and said no we don't want to scare her. Although logically,I feel like i couldn't have stopped her from losing, in my heart I wonder could the meeting have been devine intervention from you in hopes that her baby could stay here with his family. I want to believe that Luke was already with you in heaven and you two wanted us to have some kind of meeting before the worst day of their lives happened leading to them needing us for guidance. i still can't help but wonder if i could have stopped it...Well, of course when something difficult happens your Daddy is out of town. i am thinking i need to get me a traveling career to be able to escape. ;) I got a phone call from Marie, it was so surreal listening to her message. Before she even said it I was thinking, please don't let her say that couple lost their baby, but she did. Baby girl i fell to my knees and i was back to the day you left. i have been there since. I went and sat with Julie and tried to give her as much comfort and guidance as I could and would have wanted for myself. I found it hard not to ramble of all to come, but i had to pull back because I can't tell her that you think it is bad but the game has just begun. i want to stay with her and guide her and prevent her from having to hurt as bad as it hurts, but i can't save her from reality. Looking at Julie and Agmed, I saw mommy and Daddy. they were laughing one minute and sobbing the next. You think it is the worst you can feel, but it is no where close. She had to have a c-section, so although she didn't have the agonizing hours of waiting to meet Luke like i did with you, she has a long recovery to remind her of what has been robbed from her. My heart aches for their little Anna who is seven and has been waiting for a baby brother or sister for a long time. Julie had a miscarriage last summer after trying for a few years. She was so excited when she got the positive that she told Anna, then miscarried. Like all of us moms she just knew this time Anna would be holding her baby brother so proudly today instead of holding him for a few moments and saying goodbye with the only kiss they will ever share. They asked me about anger and guilt. Of course we all have our bouts with both, but nothing angers me more than knowing you and your siblings will never have a relationship the way they have with each other in person. It is so sweet to listen to them say i love you as they fall asleep, or think of you when they see a butterfly, but there is always the moments when tears will well up in their innocent eyes from just wanting to share some of the dreams they had for you. i hate that another little girl has lost her innocence. I hate that another mommy and daddy know our forever pain. I just hope that we can be their guiding light and that you and little Luke stay close by. I haven't been seeing many butterflies, I need them as a physical sign that you are close, so as your mother I demand you send some to your butterfly garden. ;) You know i did plant it for that reason!! I love you so very much. Help me get out of this funk I have been feeling since I found out about Luke. I can't be feeling sick physically and emotionally, if i am going to be helping them. Thank you for your love my sweet sweet Faith.

May 29, 2010

I don't even know what to write about. I am in one of those moods where you feel disconnected from everything. I guess I am just tired of keeping up the fight to be happy and positive. I hate the quiet and its stillness. I use to love the quiet. I loved being alone to just think and dream, but now the quiet is a haunting reminder of what isn't. I feel like I have to keep life loud and busy so that I am not reminded of what is missing. I am tired... I just want to be happy without a but. At the beginning of all this, feelings were new and with each journal I felt like it was a release to write those feelings down like I was making progress, but now I feel like... damn that feeling is back again. I feel like I am running in one big circle of emotions and when one leaves I am waiting for it to return and bracing myself for the next to appear. As unpredictable as grief is at sneaking up on you and the not knowing which emotion it will bring; it is also constant and dull and draining.

Faith, I am so sorry that I am not so good at living the life I promised to you. I try so hard, I just can't be strong all the time. The weight is pulling mommy down. I will be looking for your hand in the dark- your next sign of hope to get me through this moment. Please know that I am not tired from being your mommy I am just so tired of being without you here. I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you...

Drown in sorrow or let your love give me fuel for this journey

May 2, 2010
I choose your love baby girl. Everyday, I get up because of your love. Sometimes, I cry, I yearn, I fall, but when its all over your love lifts me up. Tomorrow you will be 20 months old. Thinking of all you would be doing and how beautiful you would be, STINGS my soul. I always have to remind myself that it will always sting and I can not change reality. You will not be here and I will always hurt because of that, BUT I will not allow it to stop me from living. What good would it be if I wasted my life, A life you could be living and that I would gladly give up for you. I can not do that, so I will make sure I live my life to the fullest for you. I was looking for quotes and I found this one- "We must embrace pain and burn it as fuel for our journey." At first glance it kind of bothered me. I thought this person couldn't have lost a child to say that. After reading it again, it is so true. The pain of losing you is so intertwined with the love I have for you. The pain is so great because I love you so much. Sometimes I think they are one in the same. Just like Fr Mckenna saying "Grieve, but do not grieve without hope," bothered me at first, I realized that hope and faith in you were going to be the only things that would keep my soul from withering away.

My second Mother's Day without you is approaching quickly as is your second birthday, I feel stronger. I don't like the fact that I am missing one of my babies to celebrate the one thing that means most to me. BUT I have the gift of your love, a love that is so strong and vibrant in my life. I celebrate your love and in your memory, the only gift Mommy wanted this year is a Butterfly Garden. Mommy and Daddy spent three days planting flowers that attract butterflies. I can't wait until all the flowers grow tall and butterflies flutter by to say hello. A few days ago Grace ran inside yelling," Faith is coming, Faith is coming, Mommy!!!" Oh, the smile on her face. We have all become better becasue of you. I have seen the relationship between Nash and Krista; and between Krista and Grace.Yes, they were both excited to become a big brother and big sister, but Grace has an appreciation for you and Hope that is so beautiful. She is so gentle and loving. She never gets irritated. She has so much pride in being your and Hope's big sister. To see a butterfly and be so excited, I can only imagine if she got to see your beautiful face. When I am in heaven with you, and the day comes(I pray a very long time from now) when she is welcomed by us, I will love to see her smile and cry "happy tears" when she sees you. I hate seeing her cry for you. One day she will have everything she dreamed of with you when you were in my belly. We all will. I love you and miss you everyday.

How beautiful is it that all these rainbow babies are arriving safely? Sadly, another mommy lost her second. I will never understand the WHYS of any loss. Please rally with your friends to keep rainbows safe. Lily and Nicholas' mommies are still waiting for rainbows love. Help them send their mommies a rainbow. The hope in a rainbow helps so much. Thank you for my rainbow. She is beautiful, and I see so much of you in her. Thank you!!! Love!!

April 1, 2010
I have to begin with a thank you, baby girl because the other night was one of those nights where mommy just can't see past the reality of not having you. I might sound strange to some for thinking/knowing that you send me signs to help me through this journey, but those signs are what sustain me. I know you are here, in every butterlfy that i see,every smile and giggle exchanged between Hope and Grace, with every random thing like the penny that fell from my pocket that had 2008 on it, with every hug i receive from a fellow angel mom on a bad day, with every laugh I get from Buggy when she sees me crying for you, with every thank you that we get for giving the baskets, when I saw that the hospital gift shop sells your lambs, when we are led to the "right" people in our new fight for a CBRS, when I like your Daddy now lol, and with every song of yours that comes on the radio just when i need you. Thank you for being there for me always baby girl. Back to my thanking you for the other night. Once again after a long cry, I was given something to bring me back to being thankful. Daddy, yelled for me to come and I thought something was wrong. He came racing downstairs and said ok Buggy do it again-do it again. Then she said it, Da Da!! It was as if we had never heard a baby say those words before. Everything she does brings us joy and brings us forward. Your gift ties us all together. She brings the past- the pain into the present and it is engulfed with your love and her love. She makes it where i can remember the happiness of when your brother and sisters were babies. After you went away i couldn't think of those times without hurting so bad that I wouldn't share that with you. I still have times that knowing that makes me fall to my knees and feel as if i won't be able to snap out of the darkness again. BUT as usual you give me reason. You give me reason through your brother and sisters. I know it is you. I know that by loving them and seeing your light shining through them that i will be able to make it through this life.Last night I felt crippled by the fact that if i am blessed to live 50 more years and watch your brother and sisters fullfill their dreams and hopefully give me lots of grandchildren and greatgrandchildren that would still mean 50 years until I see you again. I can't let myself dwell in that for long. if I do I will not make it. If I do on the otherhand focus on the fact that you are always guiding me and loving me and sending me those little signs to confirm that you are here then maybe just maybe I will be ok. I will be a good mom to your brother and sisters and to YOU. Stephanie brought that to my attention a few journals ago. I might not be mothering you the way I want, but I am your mother and I do mother you. I do this by fighting for you to receive a CBRS. I do this by loving your brother and sisters. I do this by giving baskets to moms that are just beginning this journey. I do this by including you always.I do this by acknowledging your gifts and signs and allowing them to lift me from the darkness.

Thank you for all the joy you have given me that always washes the pain away. Even if the grief will always surface I know that you will be here to shine through the darkness. You live up to your name very well.:) Please keep showing the way to make all my dreams in your memory come true- CBRS, non-profit, book, angel mom retreat,and many more. I know that I can do anything with you by my side. Please keep me strong enough to not fail.

It has been a long 19 months since I held you in my arms, but I can still remember your little fingers wrapped around mine, your sweet newborn smell, kissing your button nose, and whispering I love you into your ear until I couldn't say it anymore. That day was the worst and best day of my life, please help me to always be able to go back to that day. Keep watching over us and keep your brother and sisters safe- here in my arms. Keep me strong the next three days as I remember you leaving, you arriving, then saying goodbye. Have a Happy Easter with your friends and I hope you like your decorations. Love.

March 7, 2010

Faith, I'm sorry I haven't written your 18 month journal until now. It was a very hard week for mommy in so may ways. A lot of feelings were trying to surface that i try to steer clear from. I think that is my mountain right now- not wanting to completely feel. I feel like if I stand still and actually think I will die inside, so I am constantly doing something to keep my mind off of what it means for you to be gone. I do stop and cry. The other night I got in the car and drove for a good hour and just cried as I listened to your songs. I updated your CD, which went from 16 songs to 37. I guess that was enough to bring anyone down. haha I have to do that sometimes though or I will explode. There aren't many times that I have time or let myself just feel. At the beginning, when I read about finding ways to help you cry when you can't find the tears, I thought how will I ever need help to cry over you. Now I know. I try so hard to not break down that when I actually feel the need to cry I have to be alone and listen to music that makes me think of you. At the beginning it was so hard for me to rebound from one of those crying sessions. Now throughout the crying for you I struggle with the part of me that wants you and misses you and the part that is totally thankful for what you have done for me. The blessings you have given me bring me out of the darkness to a place where I can look around and see the beauty that still remains in this world. Beauty that once seemed to have died with you. Mommy has always been a dreamer and someone that stopped to smell the roses. You leaving made me feel like the world was gray. Your blessings are bringing color back to my world. They don't kill the ache, but they make me get up everyday and appreciate the blessings that were mine before you left. I am able to parent your brother and sisters because I know that you light my way. I know that every sign from you every blessing from you is really you saying Mommy LIVE. LIVE But then there are times I find myself unknowingly in places that I went to while pregnant with you and I flashback without warning. Mommy and Daddy went to eat at a mexican restaurant that was new when I was pregnant with you. Daddy was out of town and never got to try it. We went last week, and it hit me full force. We were sitting across from where i sat with the kids with you in my big "torpedo" belly.(that is what we nicknamed my belly) The emotions of how I use to be came flooding in. I wanted to jump back in time to be able to feel like that again. I guess your blessings will be what picks me up when I fall into darkness like that. I have come to terms with the fact that this is my life. I will always struggle with working for happiness-that it will not fall into my lap like it seems to for some. Like Mommy's 2nd mom said," We all have our cross to bear in life." Mommy has the blessing of being able to "see" all the beauty that life has to offer without the unimportant things getting in the way like it does for some. You have blessed mommy in so many ways. Tomorrow your sweet gift is 8 months old. WOW-she is growing too fast. I'm happy to see her growing, but I wish i could watch her in slow motion. lol Thank you for always picking mommy up when I'm down. Your love- your spirit is bright in my life. Keep shining brightly in our world baby girl. I will never stop missing what could have been, but you will carry me through this life until we meet again. Love.

17 months

February 3, 2009
Faith I miss you so much. I know you were watching Mommy sit and cry as I looked at your picture. Rubbing my finger across your little arm and forehead hoping and wishing that for a moment I could really feel your skin and smell you sweet newborn smell. It doesn't take much to put me back in that moment- the worst and best day of my life. How could meeting an angel not be the best moment ever, yet not be the worst? I am so blessed to have had 9 mos with you growing beautifully inside of me until it was your time to become our guardian. I have often thought- why let me stay pregnant for 9 mos just to have you go away? Now I realize that if you left at 11 weeks like our first, then I wouldn't have enjoyed those ballerina kicks while your sisters danced for you at night. I have often gotten sad that you will not play in the sand on the beach with us, but you did go to the beach. You sat with me while your sister made sand castles. You loved laying in the sun with me. You played in my belly while Grace and I waded in the pool at the water park. You enjoyed all of your favorite foods that you made my favorites. You were with me when I bought your first outfit that you passed on to your sister. You were there when I bought your diaper bag that had slots on the front for your picture. I kept forgetting to get your name put on it. I debated for a long time to put your sister's name on it. I ended up putting both your names on it and a picture of you on the front with hers. People have commented on how beautiful you are-not knowing that you are forever sleeping. You and Mommy got to do so much while you hitched a ride in my belly. While I was crying and caressing your picture I was focusing on all of those things and they brought me sadness because I saw only the lost moments with you instead of focusing on all that I did get to do with you. I logged on to DS to write my journal and saw a beautiful entry written by a very inspiring friend-Tori. I will cry for you tonight because I do miss you so very much, but like always I will get back up and live. I will live for you and do for you in honor of you. Thank you Tori for being the beautiful person that you are.Thank you Faith for always reaching your hand out to me in the dark. I love you very much baby girl. You go back to palying with all you friends. While you are at it, I know, but I have to say it again. I'm your mommy and must nag.;) Tell Sam. Lily, Nicholas, and Tommy to help get their baby bro/sis into their mommys' tummies. Love.

Krista's friend afraid of Faith

January 31, 2010
Last night I had a sleepover for Krista's 9th birthday. Two of her friends from 1st grade came. I was pregnant with Faith that year and was very active in Krista's class. I remember Krista going to school telling all her friends that I was expecting when I was only 6 wks. Thinking back on how I use to be so carefree-I got the pink lines and was guaranteed my fourth baby in my arms. i didn't know that she would be sleeping. I had no idea that could happen. Looking at how much they have grown and how much I have missed with Faith was weighing heavy on me. There were four girls and all knew about Faith. Krista talks about her all the time at school. I love that she is so proud to include Faith all the time. First a little girl asked what was I going to name my little girl that died. I told her that her name is Faith. She said I have a cousin named Faith. It always kills me to hear of a little girl named Faith living and playing and being enjoyed by her mommy. I made it through that question. Earlier I was telling her mom about Faith and she said she knows two people that have lost. I am so tired of trying to accept this "rare" thing in my life and hear so often about another mom hurting from this "rare" thing too. Later the girls were telling ghost stories, which is expected at a nine year old's sleepover. Well, then Faith became part of that. It made me angry when they acted as if she were making the balloon move, but then I thought I am always saying that Faith is with us. Maybe that is how my kids process it. I explained that she isn't here moving things around that she is happy playing in heaven. I said that she watches over us and comforts us when we are in need. It is so hard to explain to children, especially ones that have not lost. Then one tells Krista that she was supposed to be a triplet. She said that she had a brother and a sister. I don't know how far along her mom was. It makes me so sad that so many babies are gone too soon. My girls came to get their stuffed Faith angel dolls to sleep with. i was proud that they want everyone to know about our beautiful angel. When i went down to get Hope to sleep they were very loud, so I called Krista and of course everyone came.lol Her best friend Katie looked at Faith's picture and said she is so beautiful. I had to use all my strength not to burst into tears. How beautiful is that. What a sweet child. She is my favorite now.lol Later one of the little girls from her 1st grade class asked to go home at 11:15 because them talking about Faith scared her. I think because the other girls were saying that Faith was making the balloon move. They thought because it kept hitting my "Faith" sign that she was doing it. lol I have my house full of "Faith" stuff as you can imagine, so the chances of it touching something with faith on it is very big. Anyway, it made me sad and a little angry that the thought of my baby girl scared her enough to go home. And my kids know death so well. I wish that they could still be that naive.

I felt bad for her mom that had to get her other kids out of bed in the cold to get here by midnight. I don't know if I should call her or not. I wonder what the conversation was on the car ride home. I don't even like the question- how many kids do you have let alone calling someone to bring up Faith myself. I think her mom does know about Faith. We went on field trips together while i was pregnant. I think I will let it go for now and see what she says at school tomorrow. Tomorrow will be 17 months since Faith died. It was also a monday, so this weekend i was thinking of the saturday night that she moved so frantically. I thought it was funny. I remember saying that she is out of room,and wants out. I hate months like this that the days fall into the order.



17 mos without you. I just can't wrap my mind around it. I was thinking of how you should be so excited to play with all those big girls. How tired you would have been but fighting your sleep. That you should be walking around sticky with cake icing all over you. Now that your gift is 7 mos in a week, time is my enemy more than ever. I not only hate that it is taking me so far away from the only day I held you, but it is making Hope's infancy fly by. Stay with us always baby. Hold mommy close. Help me figure out these dreams I ahave been having. I love you so very much. i miss you every moment without you. Keep us all safe and HEALTHY!!! Make sure these breathing treatments work quickly for baby Hope. Love.

Flashing back

January 9, 2010
Only we can go from laughing our asses off while watching Hangover to sobbing uncontrollably in the shower minutes after. I hate this, I hate this... I flashed back to being pregnant with Faith. I try not to- I don't want to. Remembering makes it so much harder to walk through this life. I have been feeling really down off and on the last few weeks especially since the monthly bitch is back in my life. I was saying to Kevin it feels really shitty if this is how it is always going to be. I don't get a break. As the beginning of the month approaches I feel a since of doom because Faith passed on the 1st and was born on the 3rd and buried on the 6th. Those days- those numbers always get me.Then as I start to pick myself up and regain my balance the lovely bitch starts to screw with me. Well tonight Kevin and I watched Hangover, which I must say was hilarious. Why can't i just have a hilarious day without remembering. BECAUSE if I don't remember then I'm not remembering my daughter. I don't want her to always be the but of the statement- I'm happy but... BUT sometimes she is because losing her destroyed life as I knew it. Some positive things came from it BUT those things can't override what was destroyed. I stood in the shower crying because this time- man I can't even say last year anymore. This time two years ago, I was starting to obsessively take pregnancy tests too soon for a baby that I had fought for over a year to have. When you want something so bad something so beautiful and the person you love doesn't want the same-it really hurts you to the core of your being. Well two years ago we were finally on the same page to have baby #4-our big finale. Two years ago I was so excited to see that pink plus sign so excited that i was testing a week after trying-just to be able to pee on that stick-just because I was in the baby making mode. Almost 2 weeks later I got that beautiful pink plus sign over and over again at my best friends house. I showed it to everyone in my second family. My second mom, Evelyn was so happy. I couldn't stop grinning. Kevin looked as if he was pretending to be happy.Because then we were normal. I wanted another baby and he caved in. He was a normal guy that only worried about how a fourth would affect our life financially. Neither of us knew two years ago just how much that beautiful pink plus sign was going to change our life in so many beautiful and horrible ways. again tonight flashing through my mind another moment pregnant with Faith-me sitting on my neighbors couch still grinning as I stared at her as she held her newborn daughter and thinking Oh I can't wait to be holding my baby nuzzled against my neck listening to him/her breathe and feeling the warmth of him/her breath against my neck. Flashing to the day you went away. Why does my mind do this to me? Taking a nap with Grace who had just had a tantrum from being so tired from all the excitement of all the company. I was thinking about how she was my baby for just a little while longer. Every pregnancy I have so many tearful days because I feel like i am taking away the baby role of the one before. I woke from that nap feeling sick. I don't remember you moving that day. You never moved that much during the day because mommy was always busy.The night before Mommy and Daddy went to Sara's and you moved frantically as if you were flipping. We all laughed as they watched my belly rolling from across the room. Sara's MIL said as she was leaving-I guess the next time I see you I'll be meeting Faith. I said I hope so. By the next night I had cleaned so much that I could barely walk up the stairs to get some water to take to bed. I came down so exhausted but so happy that our wall was finished and now our floors were complete. I could barely walk but i had to mop your nook in our room. I had to put your furniture back in place. I was talking to you. I said I'm sorry that I was making us so tired that you hadn't moved. I said I promise that after i finish mopping we will go to bed and your sisters can dance for you. By the time i finished and showered they were asleep. That was the first sign of our life gradually becoming the worst time of our lives. I laid down and said ok I'm done you can move. Nothing nothing nothing.I thought of waking your sisters because I just knew their voice would do the trick, but something-maybe you stopped me. I woke all night off and on. Each time with an upset stomach. I thought maybe I'm in labor and that's why you won't move. Everytime panic would set in something maybe you would lull me back to sleep. Finally, I got up and went to read the What to Expect book. It said to eat and didn't really make a big deal of it. I went upstairs ate some doughnuts. Nothing. I was begging you to move. I pushed on my side and felt your little elbow or knee. I still didn't call the dr-it was Labor Day and i didn't want to wake them. I think I was in shock-I don't know, but I went back to bed and agian lulled back to sleep. I woke in a panic a few hours later. I called the drs they said come on in. I thought a quick heartbeat check and I'll be able to laugh this off. I called Kevin on the way. He reassured me that you were ok. I even wrote in my pregnancy calendar Faith not moving... hoping to finish with a joke. No joke- no heartbeat-you were gone-what does that mean-How-Why-fix it-babies don't die-bring her back. ALONE-the beginning of hell...

16 months

January 3, 2010
16 months since I held you in my arms. I try not to go to that day. If I do, I am there wholeheartedly and physically, and I just can't handle it. Every month Faith I feel the weight of grief rolling in to remind me of my reality. That's not to say that I don't think of you every second of the day because if I find the quiet, you are there. If I look at the beauty of God's creation, you are there. If I fight with your Daddy, you are there. If I laugh with your Daddy, you are there.If I look into the eyes of your gift, you are there. When I watch your siblings playing, I can envision you there. Your spirit is strong, so strong that I feel you with me. So strong that I want to reach up and grab ahold of it-just to feel you.I feel you, but I can't touch you. That is the torture of this reality. A mother's instinct cannot be fulfilled, I want to nurture you. Instead I find that you are my nurturer. You are my strength. You are my light. You are my angel. I don't want an angel, but am so blessed to have one. Some days I feel so much more blessed than my "normal" friends to have the insight- the appreciation that comes with having an angel. I am a chosen mother to have the privilege to have an angel.On the other hand, most of the time I feel cheated and unlucky. Our relationship is so connected-connected in such a way that no one can come between our bond. It is a bond that does not have a physical connection since you grew in my womb, but a spiritual connection. With a spiritual connection, it is not seen, it is by Faith. A physical connection can be taken away at any time, but not one of faith. BUT I still feel cheated. i often feel guilty because I wish we could give up all the blessings and knowledge that have come from you being an angel-all the friendships- the renewed relationships-all the appreciations- all the insight just to be naive and selfish with you in my arms. Watching you grow and learn and love and hurt-watching you LIVE. The guilt comes from knowing what I have now because of you, but still I have the desire to give it all up to have you here. I am torn because of course not included in that is Hope. I of course could not part with your baby sister. That is another blessing from you being an angel, she is a new reason to live and fight for happiness. Life with an angel and a rainbow baby is so complex, but a complexity that I am so grateful for. 16 months ago I was engulfed in grief with no way out. No light. I could only see what was missing around me. Today when I look around there is happiness, even though laced with a sadness that will always be there. I look at your sweet face and I can do what I hoped for-smile while I cry. At times when I cry I do still feel paralyzed by the grief,the whys, the should haves, but I look at how far you have carried me my beautiful daughter, and I can't help but feel special to be a mommy to an angel. I know that no matter how far I fall into the depths of grief that the hand of my Faith will reach out into the darkness and guide me to the light of the living. I am so proud to call you my daughter. THANK YOU my daughter, my angel. Love.

2nd Christmas without you

December 24, 2009
Faith this year feels far more sad than last. Maybe it was the newness of the giref last year. Maybe I was still in shock over your loss and couldn't feel completely the pain of you gone. Maybe because after a year of doing things in honor of you instead of with you has taken its toll on me. I am so tired of releasing balloons, decorating trees, taking pictures of your grave after I decorate it, making a photoalbum of your first year that includes pictures of your funeral, I just want you back.We visited you today, I sat in the pouring rain today with the wind blowing trying my hardest to get your tree to stand up-sobing- wondering why -wishing you could be at home waiting for Santa. I have learned so much this year without you. I have found that you can have hope and happiness, but sadness will always remain. My heart is forever broken without you. If I can't mother you, I can never be whole. I love you my beautiful daughter. Always know that you are in my heart. Merry Christmas baby-enjoy your friends-enjoy Jesus. Give mommy the strength to make it through tomorrow and to give your baby sister a beautiful first Christmas and Nash, Krista, and Grace a happy day they all deserve. Everyone has been sick except me and Hope. Please, keep her well at least for her first Christmas.We will be delivering your first memorial basket in your honor tomorrow to the hospital. My biggest fear is that tomorrow it will be needed. Please band will all angels to keep babies safe for Christmas. I wish that you could prevent this from ever happening again, but sadly I know you can't. I can ask that you watch over all the rainbow babies.I love you always, Mommy.